Can someone explain this to me

This site has been a lifeline to me, and so many others. I think its time to take down this whole thread. It has caused no end of upset to people who I have a lot of trust and respect for. I don't think its the swearing in the posts that's set people off. Goodness knows I've sworn much Worse! haven't we all. We do express anger here, yes thats what it is for. We let out the emotion and vent because the world doesnt understand the severe damage and PSTD caused by having a relationship with a Narc. We also encourage, care and be gentle with the small green shoots of hope growing. My discomfort echoed other people's here, in that I felt a condesending tone and definite disregard for others feelings and a measure of control. Secondly when our opinions were referred to as "a lynch mob" by gettinbetter that crossed the line. I also do not want to be attacked personally and told that some of my past posts were angry. Of course they are angry, read every persons story on here. We all have anger. This is not a tea party. It is a trust circle of support and care and love. This thread has gone a long way to destroying that. I hope it ends.

Talk about seeing only what you want to see. No matter what anyone says you are going to think you are 100% in the right, so why bother asking? Here's an idea. Take our entire conversation to your therapist. See who she thinks was being fair/unfair. Because you're clearly not going to listen nor care about anything anyone here has to say unless it's exactly what you want to hear. The rest of us are just bitter...and passive aggressive. Lol, I've NEVER been called that in my entire 40 years by the way. That is the very last thing that describes me. Anyway...yes, and after I sent the paragraph he quoted, he told me that if I felt he should leave, he would. I, in complete kindness and sincerity, explained I only said that because I thought this all might be upsetting to him and that he should do only what he feels is best for him. And so then after explaining what was CLEARLY ONLY OFFERING SUPPORT his response was to then throw that single sentence quote back in my face that he once again used here. And again, even that isn't telling him to leave. I'm telling him maybe he should find somewhere BETTER FOR HIM. Topgun, you are creating and maintaining an argument where there was NONE-only someone offering you kindness. I PRAY that the next time I am feeling attacked and alone someone will be so "passive-aggressive" with me. Perhaps this is exactly why you and your ex argued so much! I can tell you don't give a crap about this, but I'm not joking at all when I say that this horrible crap you have subjected me to for ONLY trying to support and help you will most likely cause me to walk away the next time someone looks to be in need of support. It's just not worth it. So is there anyone who reads this as me telling him he needs to leave the site? Or do you see it exactly as it was WRITTEN and INTENDED-going out of my way to extend kindness and compassion to someone who I thought was being attacked unfairly? And again X a million, I am so SORRY I read this situation so very wrong. Just...wow. I have never seen one person cause sooo much drama and upset sooo many people here in such a small amount of time. Do you EVER even consider the possibility that perhaps the problem is YOU?

I felt terrible for him and didn't see or feel what so many others here did. I pm'ed him nothing but complete kindness and support. I got told "men hurt too"...huh!? I took time out of my day to extend comfort to someone and somehow I'm the one who needs to be informed of this??? My words were also taken completely out of the CLEAR meaning and context. And then when I graciously explained myself and that what he thought I meant was not at all what I actually wrote...continuing to be COMPLETELY kind and supportive, I then got my words quoted back in my face. The one sentence quoted back to me still didn't say what he was trying to say it did. And most importantly, if you included any of the surrounding sentences dripping with NOTHING but kindness and support my meaning was crystal clear. Total manipulation and word salad! Additionally, I asked him to not write again, and if he did I would just delete it unread. He wrote anyway. I did not read it. No respect for my wishes. Red flags EVERYWHERE! And scoop, I STILL don't even see what you're picking up on! :( This really worries me. I thought I was so much better at reading people now. Anyway, I went out of my way to extend kindness and got trampled on and completely triggered. Not at all fair but I am learning lessons from it. I apologize to the rest of the ladies that saw this much more clearly than I did. Boy, was I wrong!!

I just read your story...it doesn't sound like NPD but it does sound like there were some abusive behaviours. I think borderline and the booze doesn't help. I've heard nightmare stories about people that have had to deal with alcoholics that are not working towards recovery. I've had a terrible day with my computer...I read the first half but have a newsletter and a radio show *on the internet* my first one...LOL to prepare for and so I will read the second half tomorrow as this computer of mine decided to play games with me and at this point, I am frazzled. What I find interesting however, is that initially your story indicates, you had a "red flag" in that you thought she had a drinking problem. This is not for the purposes of crucifying you; however, the goal of the path forward is to grow and learn. My question: Knowing that there was an INITIAL indication of dysfunction, what do you think drew you into this mess? Many of us admit there were red flags, but we couldn't see them...you saw yours - so what motivated you to continue? It sounds like there was on some level an MO of a "rescue" mission - which isn't a crime, many get caught up in that web but it's not healthy and if you want to achieve some clarity on this, I think you might have to back track a bit and ask yourself what made you move forward even though there was an indication. Sometimes we engage in self sabotage, sometimes we're not feeling all that great about ourselves, and digging someone else out of a hole "makes us feel good" but sometimes for avoiding our own "ish" there is a price to pay...do you have any insight into this at this time? Sometimes it takes time...but this is what I'm coming up with so far...I'm not seeing narcissism which generally when women are high on that scale, the get labeled histronic - also please note we're not psych professionals here this is peer support but we do enough research here to kinda have a general idea of some of the other disorders...kind of a fringe benefit to wishing that Narcissim wasn't the final answer...Hugs!

From what I have read it seems very likely that you have been with a borderline. I recommend you visit a site called gettinbetter.com (no affiliation to me) it is Shari Schreibers site and she has quite a bit of information on there about female borderlines. They can be some evil evil bitches. On occassion I thought I was a borderline cause the narc made me so crazy and my therapist said oh no no no sweetie and dont even ever say that. She said they are bad bad bad news and can make some Narcs look like childs play. Many therapists wont even see them. My guess is you giving this money to her in a way to yes have some control. Codependents and enablers do that sort of thing. I am a codependent well, a recovering one. So let me ask you did you think that loaned her the money in an effort to get her to behave? I know I would be pissed as hell if I loaned someone that kind of money and they didnt use it for the intended purpose but why did you keep doing it? Is this a romantic relationship or more of a friendship gone bad? Were there any good times? There are several good sites that address female borderline behavior you may be well served to visit them. I think one is BPD.com or Bpdcentral not sure but they are out there. Oh and btw I just read something that said that quite frequently Borderlines use their children for government benefits and once that gravy train stops they could careless about them. Are you still talking with this woman. You do know you will never see a dime of that money dont you? Just write it off and get away from this woman. She will bleed you dry

Ok...I made it to your story. I'm sorry you've suffered at the hands of a narc like this. :=( I have a feeling there's much more to this story, I didn't read through your thread here, yet. Why would she say that, you ask. Because they are disordered, and they use words to hurt us. If you HADN'T helped her financially, she would have said...omg, I can't believe you didn't help me with my money problems! Since you did, she has to find another angle to abuse you. Abuse never makes sense. Abuse is an act of harm to another, with really no rhyme or reason. That's why it's abuse. Ever see those commercials where they show abused animals? Makes my heart ache so. :=( Who could hit, burn, mame a defenseless animal, right? That's abuse. It doesn't make sense. It's unfathomable to you and me. Well, these people are masters/and masterettes at verbal abuse. Emotional abuse. They are emotionall bankrupt, so like a vampire, they need to suck us dry of emotions. Make us need them. Make us feel like their view of us, is all that matters. If she were to tell you...''you're the best...'' she'd expect you to think so. If she were to say...''you suck...'' she'd expect you to think so. You know? That's why she said that. And that's why you need to stay faaar away from this one. She's a user, and an abuser. I too feel sorry for folks. If you want to help someone, help the homeless...or send your money to people who lose everything in the tsunami. Not to this woman. She takes your money--spends it--isn't thankful--and makes you feel bad over it. That's abuse. God bless and may you find healing here.

You've been narced my friend, same person different body! Welcome, your best bet is to understand the mind of a psychopath rather than try to figure the manulitapation of this disordered woman! Your goal now is to heal your soul and move forward! Remember this thru your journey, idealize, devalue,discard Hunter

It's commendable to try to help someone esp. when/if it is for the "right" reasons, when the motives are pure. I don't know the woman so I can't know her reasons for feeling uncomfortable with the help you offered her outside of the reasons listed in this post. My recently-exNarc used to offer/give help and material things, but i eventually became uncomfortable with it, because when i allowed him to give help.... EVERY TIME.... there were strings attached. Every time. These strings were strings of constantly and continually reminding me that he had helped me, excessive patting himself on the back. I was very thankful to him, and tried my butt off to show him this, only to be met with -- "oh, you don't care." , "You're not grateful", "Look at all I do for you"... etc, ETC. In fact , even after we had seriously and supposedly been mutually exclusive after one year, after trying to hide from our mutual "friends" for all that time the nature of our relationship.... when they would ask him about "us", the best thing he could tell them , "Oh yeah, StudentOfLife and I hang out sometimes, and I HELP HER OUT WITH THINGS." That's it?!?! AND then all the "great things" he would do for me were used to throw in my face EVERY time we would have a real true intimate or emotional issue to work through. For instance, when I found out he was lying to me as he frequently did, or i had felt hurt by some cold callous thing he had said (to intentionally press those buttons of control).... he would throw in my face some nice thing he had done or bought to remind me of how much he "loved"me. These disordered emotionally empty folks aka Narcissists just do not have the emotional depth or insight to KNOW that what you need to give in a relationship is so much more than material. They just don't have it, very very sadly enough. I will need to go back to this post to remind myself, I know i will. Also I was having the realization this morning (after *peaking* on FB and seeing a miserable/angry pic of him along with a spiritual and poetic STOLEN quote from me).... that I TRIED TO SAVE HIM. I take responsibility for my "saviour complex", as I know i have tried to save and fill that void within others just like him in past relationships. I guess it's because i could never save my dad (who was just like these guys) from himself, the pattern repeats. They don't want to be saved. I need to learn that (and maybe you do as well?) Also.... this saviour complex of mine--->> Who the heck do i think I AM anyhow??!!! LOL! We can only save ourselves, learn how to love ourselves first. And stop these self-defeating patterns. Is this making any sense? I've been processing a lot lately so i don't know if the words are flowinig coherently or not. Hope this helps. Were you trying to save this girl, TopGun? Have a great Independence Day everyone!

whoa whoa. WTH is going on here? What has this man done that is so terribly offensive? From what I have read it sounds very much like he has been involved with a female borderline. Ladies read up on female borderlines they exhibit the exact behavior he has described. The only reason I am so familiar with the subject matter is I believe my EX was a male borderline which behave a little differently than female ones however most borderlines are female and they leave a trail of men in their path. Most of the info published on borderlines is about female borderlines. I just think alot of people are jumping to conclusions here with very little fact.