THE PUSH/PULL!

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#1 Oct 5 - 2PM

whatever2009

THE PUSH/PULL!

Just a quick question, wonder if any of you have any words or wisdom, or thoughts.

Why is it when you act like you dont care, or if you are fed up with the N, and stop paying as much attention to them they go crazy, and begin to chase you all over again.

What I mean/noticed, is that toward the end I just started not to care as much, I just didnt want to put in the effort. He immediatley began calling me all the time, and
pretty much questioning me about my whereabouts, and seemed to be always..."checkin up".

All these little things seem to be bothering me today.
Ive been so good!!

Any of you experience this?...... when you push they pull!

#2 Oct 7 - 7AM

justwantpeace

Going thru this right now

I am having a downer day today. I am going thru this to. My ex has started being really nice and stopped arguing or picking until sunday night. I was going on a one day trip with my parents and son wants to go. He wanted to change weekends with his dad. Oh that went horrible. Im working on nc but I need to learn to deal with him when i have to. He started in on son and gave him a hard time. Well I started feeling bad for him, so i stepped in. I just felt the need to protect my child from this manchild. I couldnt stand it. Well i have felt horrible since then. He started in on me. I was keeping it just to child. He kept bringing up all kinds of stuff and blaming me again. First he got mad that I butted in then he got mad that I wasnt helping him because son refused to answer his phone and talk to him. Then he wanted details. I hadnt offered them nor did son. It was a control thing. He started in that I dictate when he can see son. He said i won and let him know when he can see son. I finally said ive had it. I said stop I do not want to parent with you because of this. I said im sick of it. Now he is doing the push/pull thing. Right now im getting the "he doesnt find any fault with me" OMG are you kidding me. I feel like he is pulling me back in and thats just by the questions he has been asking and the comments he has been making. He sent me a messaging asking why he wasnt notified of the extra stuff son does, he might want to help. really, he never did before and he wants to now. I think he realized he let me get out a little to far. I have not had contact unless its something required. then when he would start in with his dozen questions, i just didnt reply. If i did it would be very short and to the topic, nothing extra. The funny thing since sunday when I told him that he needs to go thru son now and ask him, son hasnt heard a word about spending extra time with him. I had to be gone for awhile last night and didnt want son by himself. So i sent him a message and said son was home if he wanted to see him. Probably wrong thing to do. His reply he was told he couldnt see son til tomorrow and it needs to be planned and not a spur of the moment thing. I thought I rest my case. when i try to move away from him, he pulls. when i offer something he pushes away. Its a control thing to. I really hate the push/pull thing. I really am determined to have nc and parent on my own.

#3 Oct 7 - 7AM (Reply to #25)

Barbara (not verified)

justwantpeace

I have not had contact unless its something required. then when he would start in with his dozen questions, i just didnt reply. If i did it would be very short and to the topic, nothing extra. Keep it this way. Discuss this with son's and your therapist(s) and strategies to manage. Do NOT try to be nice to your ex. JUST THE BASICS. He's no longer entitled to anything else. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#4 Oct 7 - 8AM (Reply to #26)

justwantpeace

my problem

Thats my problem, I dont know how to deal with him, when its necessary. I know I have to let him hang himself with son but how do i do that without letting son become damaged. I stepped in sunday night because I had it. I couldnt take him doing that to son anymore. Im sorry for the hijack in your thread.

#5 Oct 7 - 8AM (Reply to #27)

Barbara (not verified)

stop engaging

business only that's it that's all NOTHING ELSE CAN OR SHOULD BE DEALT WITH. Talk to your therapist & son's about dealing with son. You may have to learn to LET GO and let the jerk hang himself with son. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#6 Oct 6 - 10AM

whatever2009

HELP!

It is very predicatable behaviour. Its there insecurity that eats them up. To be honest I like it. When I say that, I mean I can picture my N pacing back and forth trying to figure it out. It makes me smile, knowing he is actually racking his brain FOR ONCE. I dont know about you guys, by my N is visibly insecure and very needy altho he acts as tho he's not. He is BIG TIME! Does anyone have this problem...I am very successful, Im a single mom, I own my house, I have a decent job that I have been at for 8years, Im very popular and have great friends. My only problem is my mom is an alcoholic and my dad is an N. Which has caused my self esteem to hit rock bottom on occasion, but through years of therapy...I see the pattern. My N is UNEMPLOYED (most times) sometimes works for cash under the table. He does not have a vehicle, he smokes a lot of weed, he is lazy and also has a brain injury,(from a car accident years ago) which causes him to forget things etc... He is very NOT successful, and knows it. His behaviours are very similar to my father, and I think that is why I was drawn to him, and his behaviour was tolerable. However, Im struggling with the fact I know deep down I can do better, as Im worth more, but what is it I love so much, and why does it KILL me to think of him with anyone else....I know he will treat her like crap....but Im still jealous...he is bottom of the barrel, girls like me arent suppose to want guys like this...im confused.

#7 Oct 6 - 12AM

cupcake (not verified)

PushPull

His push pull has completely torn my soul apart and ripped out everything decent inside of me. While they play this game for their entertainment and pleasure they have no understanding that we are human beings. The push pull is the most evil thing you can to do somebody's heart. Because during the pull they really bring it on. They really make you feel special so you are filled with joy and love and hope. Then the push comes shortly after and it tears you apart and leaves you confused, alone, low, depressed and unhappy. Then the pull comes again and so on and so on. It wrecks you. Wrecks lives. I hope God in heaven can see thse evil people and will give justice to what they do to other human beings. They have no right to treat people the way they do. Push and pull hurts. Catch and release hurts. Jekyll and Hyde hurts. I would never do that to anyone because I would know it isn't fair to them. N's are not fair. They have no understanding of decency.

#8 Oct 5 - 9PM

Hoping2Heal (not verified)

another weird thing

My NH (soon to be X if he'll ever get the papers back to my atty) anyway, he doesnt want me or pursue me, but he sends me messages once a week randomly. Sat night after he went to church he send a text that said "I prayed tonight to please take away the hurt" WHY TELL ME THIS? Just to make me THINK he hurts, just to keep contact, to hope for any kind of repsonse I guess. Weird that he doesnt "come back" like these others (although he did in July and D and D me again in August) now just randome messgaes. He's listening to our cd, our watching our movie, or sends me a pic from the lake when he's on our boat...just bizarre and very hurtful!!

#9 Oct 5 - 10PM (Reply to #21)

Barbara (not verified)

block block block

BLOCK HIM he's doing it to hurt you ON PURPOSE. You shouldn't even be reading his shit. BLOCK HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO CONTACT!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#10 Oct 5 - 10PM (Reply to #19)

Lisa E. Scott

The Push/Pull Game

Oh, they love this game. It's one of their favorites. They always want what they can't have and they dread intimacy. The minute you get close to them, they will pull away in terror. Once you start to lose interest, they will lay it on thick to reel you back in. They are so predictable, they are starting to become boring, don't you think? :) lol

#11 Oct 5 - 10PM (Reply to #20)

thisisnotfun

Mine could text all kinds of

Mine could text all kinds of sexual stuff but never and I mean never was like that in person. I asked him once why he could text me stuff, say stuff on the phone but never wanted to get close to me in person???? His answer.... It's your attitude, you put me in the wrong mood. ?????????? Go figure...

#12 Oct 5 - 9PM

quietude (not verified)

understand

Ya, I understand what you mean, whatever. Especially toward the latter part of our relationship, my exN was very detached, aloof. Then, when we broke up, suddenly, he's Mr. Can't-Get-Enough-Of-Me! WTF?? It's so confusing...they're such idiots.

#13 Oct 6 - 12PM (Reply to #17)

whatever2009

yep

BIG IDIOTS! I could throw up thinking of mine today.

#14 Oct 5 - 3PM

cynthia (not verified)

same here

same here mine did that all the time, when I didnt give a shit he called all the time, when I cared he ignored me, its like they can sense you pull away, they dont want you but yet they dont want to let you go, its sick

#15 Oct 5 - 9PM (Reply to #14)

Hoping2Heal (not verified)

My STBXNH flat out told me

My STBXNH flat out told me he didnt want me but he didnt want anyone else to have me! The nerve..... They are all the same!

#16 Oct 5 - 10PM (Reply to #15)

Barbara (not verified)

same

of course not you're an object and he "owns" you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#17 Oct 5 - 3PM

Liberty (not verified)

Thoughts

Not sure I have any words of wisdom or explanations, but I just thought I'd share my thoughts. I left my ex just over two weeks ago and apart from one blip with NC in which I replied to a text message, I have got myself back on the wagon and riding it pretty steadily. My ex is bending over backwards to win me back, it is incredible to experience his efforts to be that which he needed to be the whole time we were together and is now pulling off that we are no more. I think that is the pull which makes the NC so hard, (and why we need to remove all contact so as not to get pulled), it suddenly seems as if they get it, have changed have suddenly acquired what it takes to be an adult in an adult relationship. I'm am so grateful to this site, because of it, I recognise all the tricks, but cannot say I am not tempted,tempted and bothered. I am finding it such a struggle at the moment to maintain distance and am scared I'll break.

#18 Oct 5 - 4PM (Reply to #2)

4joys (not verified)

when you dont want them

My experience is that, yes, in the beginning and middle of the relationship he would try to con me back in. But at the end when I showed I didnt care, he also pulled away. Maybe because he had supply elsewhere at that point. He always was distant when he had alternative supply. Loser :)

#19 Oct 7 - 8AM (Reply to #11)

justwantpeace

If this applies

If this applies to when they have a supply somewhere else or the ow, then it explains why I am getting so much attention right now. Then again. He did like the thrill of having 2 women on the ropes.

#20 Oct 7 - 8AM (Reply to #12)

Barbara (not verified)

someone new

I was going to ask you earlier if he had a new victim... they do this (giving YOU attention) to try to throw you off the scent. it's soooo obvious. I'd bet he has someone new in his sites. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#21 Oct 5 - 6PM (Reply to #3)

Barbara (not verified)

'come to me/ go away' is ABUSE

Aside from driving us crazy its a HUGE RED FLAG: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/05/04/passive-aggressive-behavior http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/07/14/when-narc-says-hes-confused ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#22 Oct 5 - 7PM (Reply to #4)

Amazed

Double Life

The guy I was seeing led a double life. I am not kidding, a double life. Talk about push and pull! He would be so warm, tell me the sweetest things, our love was so fantastic, he was so charming, so wonderful, so comfy, tell me I was the one for him and that building and sharing a life with him is what he wanted. He would never get together with me on the weekends. Until I found out he had a secret double life. When I went to his house, he took down pictures of the other woman he was living with, and put pictures of me up. When he went on vacation, he said he was going alone and questioned this. He got together with me the day before, and the day they got back from vacation. He never has pictures up of this 'wife" woman in his office so no one will know he is secretly practically married, and he can EXPLOIT anyone else. He told me every day he was going home. No, he wasn't. He was taking this other woman out to dinner. He would text me the sweetest things, just as he was leaving her house in the morning. He would text me when he was in bed with her. He would text me he missed me when he was on vacation with her. All the while, he was pulling a big one over on everyone. Someone told me that was the dance that men do. I think there is probably actually something wrong.

#23 Oct 6 - 6PM (Reply to #10)

cupcake (not verified)

Amazed. Me too!!

Wow. We could be talking about the same man. They are the same, all of them. This was mine: He would only get together/message me on weekends He would hop out of bed and say he is going to the bathroom but the bathroom light never went on. He was on his phone with the other woman. When he was texting me during the week, maybe he was hopping out of bed with her! They went away for a weekend and the next morning he e-mailed me wanting to get together that week. He removed the other woman as a FB friend, deleted photos of her and any wall posts she wrote for him. He told her it was a technical glitch and she believed him. He would take her out with friends and have a nice evening, then text me at 11pm or later wanting to come over for sex. I'm so sorry Amazed. I know this must hurt. But in a way - it's laughable. How sad and pathetic. This is the only way they can be happy? Are they so weak they need 2 women to play and toy around to make them feel like big men? Can they not be real men and survive on being faithful to ONE woman? Are they so pathetic they can't make a healthy normal relationship work without sneaking around? Pathetic. They are pathetic. All of them.

#24 Oct 6 - 5PM (Reply to #9)

cynthia (not verified)

WOW, SAME HERE

mine did this too, no pictures ever around of them together, nothing, called me while he was on vacation with her saying he missed me, Bull CRAP he wasnt on vacation with her, one time I saw a small pic of her on his fridge, next time I was there it was GONE, he didnt want me to see it, mine even talked to me one time when he and his gF were on the way to dinner, It probably wasnt even his GF, just some side screw for all I know and actually I still to this day dont believe he has any GF in the sense he always tells me I think its someone he is on again off again with half the time, someone who sleeps over with him from time to time at his house and he calls her his GF to me so it looks like he is comitted to someone else, which he really isnt. Its all lies, everything they say are lies, its never what it seems its all what they want us to believe, the illusion we are given. YOU BET they have multiple lives, not just double lives, they wear dozens of different masks all the time for whatever situation they are in. They are never the same person, they are always acting and conning someone, work, so called friends, family, wives, GF's, their whole life is nothing but an illusion to all those around them. We must always remember to count truth as to what their ACTIONS are, not what they say and not what it seems like, never around on the weekends, but wanted to have a life with you, there is a BIG FAT LIE right there, they do the opposite of what they say all the time, mine always missed me but was too busy to see me, LIE LIE LIE, after awhile you just shake your head and say, this is no way to live, if this person doesnt want me in their life then as the video clip said, LET THEM GO, let them go to the life they want to live and spare them the trouble of having to lie to me because I dont care anymore,

#25 Oct 5 - 8PM (Reply to #5)

Barbara (not verified)

double lives: common

most sexual Narcs have Double lives. Triple, even. They are capable of compartmentalizing everything, which normal people can not really do. Psycho-Boy sure did: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/07/22/barbaras-story ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#26 Oct 6 - 6PM (Reply to #6)

cupcake (not verified)

Always acting always conning

Why? Why are they always doing this? Why do they HAVE to lead double lives? Are they so empty inside this is the only way they can live? To hurt others?

#27 Oct 6 - 8PM (Reply to #7)

cynthia (not verified)

Are they so empty inside this is the only way they can live?

yes they are that empty inside, they are incapable of having a healthy relationship they dont know how and they could care less, Do you see yours as a coward or a man? Mine is nothing but a low life coward, they just THINK they are men because they can screw so many people over, its nothing to admire, they are pitiful. Barbara said once, be true to thy self, I think if we remain true to ourselves it pulls us away from them further and further

#28 Oct 6 - 10PM (Reply to #8)

Barbara (not verified)

Are they so empty inside this is the only way they can live?

Yes! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

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