A theory about the void

I don't know. I also have used food as an anesthetic for pain. My childhood had a lot of abuse and very little love. I have learned to go back from time and time and emotionally hug that little girl I used to be. As an adult, I have accepted, I cannot change my past - but now? The doors are wide open on the possibilities. Lately, I'm doing with the void by working on my family relationships - took my grandkids out to the movies yesterday, today I took them swimming and had a picnic in the park. It beat staying home feeling sorry for myself. Seems to me, when you are feeling blue it is important to establish a normal routine that serves your needs - tomorrow I'm going to work out at the gym, and I'm going to do a lot of swimming and I hope walking track. I'm doing it for me. I'm also getting into mediatation again and lots of prayer...so, I guess in a way, I'm going back to visiting the void - and using it to find my inner balance - the quietness in my soul, find peace.

The void looks into you. That's what Nietzsche said, and he's right about it. (Nietzsche also mocked the ex-Psych prof's idol, Arthur Schopenhauer, as a "counterfeit pessimist","philosopher of decadence" and ridicules how Brunnhilde has to read 'World as Will&Representation' in his "Case of Wagner") We look into the emptiness.. and it does look into us. The Buddhists are into emptiness (shunyatta) as a good thing. Not as nihilism, however. Emptiness isn't always a bad thing. The Israelites traveled in the desert on their way to the Promised Land. God told the prophet Hosea that He would woo Israel in the desert. The mystic Rumi found enlightenment in the desert. We need the "desert experiences" to find ourselves. It's like fasting&silence while on retreat. It can be purifying.

I think you nailed it! I was fairly despondent after my exN left and I spent a lot of time not trying to fill the void, but escaping it by playing video games and watching 'feel good' movies lol, but I did not try to fill it with another lover or anything else outside of myself. For close to a year or more I just felt that void. I cried a lot, I was depressed, but I was not restless, nor was I searching for anything (except reading as much info about PD's that I could after finding this forum lol). As time went by that void has been slowly filling up - I've learned that I don't need external stuff to feel better, that feeling better has truly only come because I allowed that void to exist. I embraced it in a way and let myself feel the pain whenever it came up. I cleared out the toxicity and what has begun to fill that space now is my own peace of mind and appreciation for who I am and for the love that is in my life - my friends, strangers, animals - all more capable of giving love than my narc ever will be. I've taken the time to heal from the inside out. Don't get me wrong, I still cry sometimes and miss him sometimes... but it feels so different now than it did even six months ago. All we really are is all we are really. No one else should be given the power to take us away from us. I think that is what narcs do which is why it is so devastating when we are left alone to pick up the pieces of our shattered selves. Trying to remember who we used to be before they sucked our lives out of us. It is almost 23 months for me since narc left and it has only been in the last 3 or 4 months that I feel like I'm back. Still a little fragile at times, but that void is not so empty and I know it is up to me to fill it, no one else. I'm almost ready to experience new love though ;) Just because I want to be intimate with someone, not because I need it to be happy. Journey on...

I think this is a fantastic approach and I might just have to "steal" your idea for me. I've always had that emptiness and nothing (not even the search for "god") has ever filled it. I worked the 12 steps and it disappeared for awhile but it always comes back. Maybe we are just too sold on the idea of what "happy" looks like? maybe I'm giving it too much power over me

You are so spot on. I couldn't have said it better. I have always felt something is missing in my life and like you have replaced that void with food, drinking, relationships, travel...anything but to feel that emptyness. The question is how do we get over that void?

I think you've hit the whole issue on the head. I think everyone has a hole they are trying to fill. I think for me and friends, mid life is where it is really evident to all of us. We either learned how to do this and we're good or a lifetime of not knowing how is catching up to us. We can no longer be complacent about this issue as it will bite you in the butt. As I am working on my marriage and sharing that part of life with friends, I hear the same story from everyone. "My marriage is stale" "We don't have sex anymore...we don't even want to" "You wouldn't believe how many people I know in my life that have had affairs" etc. etc. If any of you have ever read Eckhardt Tolle's "A New Earth", that book always speaks to me in tough times. He has a section in the book where he talks about pain bodies and "feeding" on others. It really speaks to me about the N and how he operates and how he was able to reach deep in me to find my pain body. I think our emptiness is where we fill our soul with unresolved pain/emotion instead of joy / filling our positive emotional bank. Great post...something to really think about.

I like your thought provoking post, I remember reading in a book a long time ago that everyone needs 3 things in life, someone to love, something to do, and something to look froward to,I always though that was right on. I have had nothing for over 2 years, other than a job and lost that when i moved to another state and have been struggling to find one , may have something finally. but that is not enough to fill the huge void in my life still, but you are right about just accepting it.. at least I try to do that for now , and i do acknowledge it , I sure do not like it but it helps to make peace with it.

Advertisers are always trying to lure us with promises, buy this and you'll be happy, eat this and you will feel fulfilled, do this and your emptiness will be gone. As I used to say...If money were all it took to make you happy (fill the void), there would a heck of a lot more happy rich people, if marriage were all it took, there would not be so many divorces, if things were all it took, then people with a lot of stuff should be blissful....but what do we do when we do everything and still have the void? I think that we do need to accept that the void will be there..that we will often crave things we think will make our lives whole and complete (and oftentimes, fix something from our past). That's why the breadcrumbs of an N are quite addictive...they show us a glimpse of what our souls crave...but it isn't something sustainable and we end up feeling the depths of our cravings even harder when those crumbs disappear. In a sense you are letting go of the hope that something could ever fill that void. I think that is a wonderful observation and I give you a lot of kudos for deciding to just accept it. Also, another observation....oftentimes we try to fix the void by buying into all the world's trappings...and look who tries to do that most of all....the Narc. Honestly, if all these external things don't fill the void in us...why in the world do we think then that those external things could ever fill the Narc. Just a thought.