Apologizing all the time

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#1 May 25 - 2PM

hryan77

Apologizing all the time

I have realized that I seem to apologize constantly to everyone...for how I feel, for what I say, for almost everything I do. Has anyone else noticed this? I'm wondering if I got so used to walking on egg shells and being so self conscious about upsetting the exN. I think at times he would tell me that I needed to stop apologizing for everything and stop walking on egg shells and be myself, but (this shouldn't come as much of a shock) when I was myself I got criticized a lot or got mixed messages....when I changed the behaviors that he said bothered him, I was told he never asked me to change...

Now I find myself apologizing to everyone about everything...i used to be pretty secure with myself...minus a few things here and there...I'm pretty hard on myself at times. Funny enough...in the beginning with him I was "perfect" no matter how often I said I was flawed, then I would hear how I was too hard on myself, i pointed out a few times that his horrid criticism of everyone else (and me at times) destroyed my self-esteem, not to mention his ED...and it was like that from day 1....he swore it wasn't me, but still. I went from 119lbs at 5'9 when we started to 105lbs...I'd hear one day how great I looked and the next day slammed for being too thin...shocking in the month plus since I left I've gained 10lbs back!!!

Anyway, I have COMPLETELY GONE ON A TANGENT...

#2 May 26 - 8PM

Susan32

The "Kindly Teddy Bear"

I once had a morbidly obese Narc coworker who felt *ENTITLED* to my apologies. After my experience with the ex-Psych prof, well... the well had run dry. He'd call himself a kindly teddy bear, and bawl that *I* was the only person he didn't get along with, that EVERYBODY loved him. He felt entitled to me making grape juice for him (it usually ended up prune) and he'd bawl at me, "YOU act like the whole world owes you!" He couldn't stand it if I called him a "malaking baboy" (a Filipino coworker told me it means "fat pig")... and would whine "if I called you a skinny b*tch,you wouldn't like it." But he called his wife a b*tch all the time. He lied about being a chef and having chef training. I called him on it in front of a coworker, and to get pity he piled his plate high with food, and I proceeded to taunt him. He pouted, stuffing his face. He BLAMED his mother&his sister for his obesity, refusing to be accountable. When a teenaged girl flashed her bosom to him on the nursing home grounds&he encouraged some high school students to consume alcohol on the nursing home grounds, he GOT AWAY WITH IT. He treated me in terrible ways&NEVER apologized. Once I did a double shift, I needed help, I was exhausted. All he did was stand&stare. He, of course, blamed me for "not doing my job." He always expected apologies from me... but he would've been luckier getting a lottery ticket, or getting hired by Donald Trump. Not only did I NOT apologize to him... but I'd grin maniacally when I mocked him. Believe me, he didn't like that.

#3 May 26 - 12PM

Playedwithfire

Absolutley!

I used to apologize for everything too and people would say, why are YOU apologizing? I even apologized to the nurse at in the delivery room for screaming my head off during childbirth. I never thought about it in the context as you have mentioned, but it sure makes sense to me.

Playedwithfire

#4 May 26 - 12PM (Reply to #12)

desprathousewife

Me too!

I always have and still do. I guess I'm a people pleaser and want people to think well of me. Not sure I can change that about me now? Maybe it is one of the traits that draw these PD's to us all in the first place....serious food for thought?

#5 May 26 - 12PM

Redhead1

After almost a year of NC or

After almost a year of NC or LC I am out of the FOG that took 20 years to create. I had to get real to heal. He always made me doubt my perceptions of things and apologize. I now look back with big girl panties on. All those text from women were OW. I refuse to apologize to him for anything ever again. I am going to apologize to myself for wasting 20+ years on someone that was not worth anyones time. You girls have taught me so much here. Blessings and good karma to you all.

#6 May 26 - 10AM

7yeaeritch

Yes! And I've decided one of

Yes! And I've decided one of the ways I can start getting in touch with my anger instead of sublimating it is to note when I'm about to apologize for something I'm really not sorry for and catch myself and either be assertive or shut up. Do you have trouble owning your anger too?

#7 May 25 - 2PM

Susan32

That sums up the final D&D

During the final D&D, I was CONSTANTLY apologizing to the ex-Psych prof, but he got me to the point that I was asking him why HE wouldn't apologize&be accountable for his own part in the whole mess. I'd even tell him "I'm tired of apologizing." I declared my love to the ex-P. A NORMAL guy would've (a)reciprocated (b)told me he already had a girlfriend/boyfriend (c)said he wasn't interested. But noooo... with the ex-P it was his marathon lecturing&me constantly apologizing (usually in tears) Why was I apologizing? The ex-P's response to declarations of my love were him not giving me ANY eye contact, telling me he was discomfited, offended, disappointed. I'd be saying "I'm sorry" endlessly.... and not getting any forgiveness, let alone mercy. I'd be sobbing in front of my classmates AND his colleagues (whom he's still working with, I didn't destroy his career so he could move on to happy hunting grounds) It explains why I would NOT apologize to the female Narc coworker who would hurl obscenities at me, humiliate me in front of the head of human resources, and just be utterly sarcastic to her. She'd snap at me "You're so defensive!" Damn it, if you're going to attack me for minor mistakes, yes, I WILL defend myself. The massively obese Narc coworker who felt entitled to grape juice wondered why I did NOT apologize to him when I gave him prune juice instead (labeled as grape juice) I realized you can't apologize to everyone all the time... and some people don't deserve your apologies.

#8 May 25 - 2PM

Happy1

hyran77

I had to smile at this and what Hunter wrote because it's so true!!! I used to be very secure and confident and I think that's finally coming out in me again. It takes time and thank GOD for Hunter because she would point out waht I didn't see. She would tell me to STOP APOLOGIZING. I didn't even know I was doing it and I would catch myself. It takes time but you will come out of it too. They beat us down pretty far but there's the confident woman in you coming out a little more everyday. I too had lost 20 pounds when I met my narc and he never had a nice thing to say. I was down to 115 and now I'm at 130ish. Not good but I'm narc free! It's strange that the stress really does have that affect on our bodies. Don't get tempted to contact him from most ladies... They're not worth the weight loss.

#9 May 25 - 2PM (Reply to #5)

hryan77

thanks to you both

Nope I've been NC for 16 days...he hasn't said anything in 5...broke NC after 15 because he was making my life hell trying to get the rest of my things out...but finally said forget it, left the crap and went back to NC...wasn't worth it. He has tried to provoke me, but it won't work...hell he can provoke his ex wife...if he needs supply that bad...but he has an OW sooooooooo He did sing my praises, but there were times too when he'd cut me down...he didn't see it that way and I guess it doesn't matter anymore! No need to rehash every thing...I know what I need to know and the rest well...I hope to God it's true that you reap what you sow...hell look at John Edwards and all the crap he's dealing with now...karma! I know in my mind or part of it...he won't change, he won't get better, this OW won't be treated any differently...therapy or no therapy...it will take years for him to make true progress. Hell he's been in therapy and still trying to provoke me!!!! He isn't happy, won't ever be.... I hope and pray that at some point I may see Gods reasoning for this...the greater purpose. I don't ever wish him ill will but I would like to think that life is just...that us ladies who went through our own personal hells will get what we deserve and the narcs will get what they deserve... I know I need to find my strength, my self worth and self esteem again...and be the confident woman I know I can be, because I know at some point I will run into him and I want to be able to look through that bastard without one iota of emotion and because my therapist is concerned that he'll let time pass and will try the "help me I need you" card again since it always worked in the past and the "instigating" card doesn't work. Thanks to all of you...this site and all of you have been a Godsend!!!

#10 May 26 - 1PM (Reply to #6)

Playedwithfire

wow there is so much you have

wow there is so much you have said in your post, that makes me think I have said those exact things about my exNh's next victim after he was asked to leave by me. Earrie, almost. But thank god you are out and in such a better place. Stay strong!

Playedwithfire

#11 May 26 - 1PM (Reply to #7)

hryan77

I am grateful

It hurts like hell but I know it's better I left...funny his mom said the same. She threw him under the bus huge, but she also enables him...wouldn't doubt she trashed me too. Whatever...

#12 May 25 - 2PM

Hunter

Hryan

Well he's gone, so staring being you again! When I first met Happy she would apologize for everything. She was annoying the crap out of me:) Now, yikes, I've created a monster, she stands on her own two feet! When the two of us are together, everyone get out of the way! Get to work on you! It's all about us Hunter

#13 May 25 - 2PM

mynewlife2011

It really does take a long

It really does take a long time for the mean things they say to no longer swirl in our minds. You DO NOT owe the whole world an apology or any justification. You owe an apology to someone you offend, that's it. There are different opinions on this. Some say that the mean things our Narc said to us was designed by the Narc to push one of our sensitive buttons- i.e. fior a reaction. In other words, we already felt some of what they verbalized. They play on insecurity, and capitalize on it. They are so far above us you know. (joke!) Because I endured many years of verbal abuse by my ExNH I tend to believe this above theory. It rings true for me. Therefore, I am using this time for me- to identify my fears and insecurities and improve myself so whatever those issues are- they are no longer issues. You are making a good start here, being honest with yourself. Perhaps we were both insecure when we met our Narcs. The time to build, and rebuild self-esteem is NOW. We may have taken awhile to get here- but at least we have arrived.

#14 May 25 - 2PM (Reply to #2)

hryan77

such a struggle...

I replay so many conversations, things he said, things I questioned, I don't blame myself as often as I used to. HURRAH! I know he lied to me from day 1 so any doubt I had was valid. I just catch myself defending myself a lot or apologizing for every little thing... I do have low self esteem at times...I think his ex wife was the same...we all went to high school together, I know she had body image issues...much as I do I guess. She gained weight when they were together I lost weight. I know at some point I need to stop replaying all the crap he said, all the things he did, the things I know about and the things I don't know...I really do have the answers I need...and all the answers I'll ever have. I'm finally looking out for me again...he used to say he wanted me to do things for me, but funny enough between his needs and his kids there wasn't time or money and it was funny (not funny haha) how I'd get these really sneaky guilt trips...I see everything for what it was and is. It hurts like hell...I worry about my future, think about what his kids think...they are young and don't understand (7, 6, & 2)...I never got to say goodbye, just one day wasn't there in our house anymore. I know he was going to therapy, started when I left...nice cause I asked time and time again for him to go. Then I beat myself up thinking this OW will prompt him to change, stay in therapy, that he'll be different, that he didn't lie to her from the start...yes I probably need to slap some sense into myself. Odds are she knew nothing about me, much like the two OWs from Feb didn't know about me... I know he may stay in therapy to get help with his depression and anxiety. He started on meds when we started dating over a year ago... I hate that I question myself so much, seem to be sorry for who I am, what I say, what I do, what I feel...I really used to (for the most part) love myself, love who I was....are there things I want to change, sure...are there things in my past I'm not happy about, yup...am I happy about where I am in life (career, money, blah blah), nope...but hell being with yet another (and worst of the worst) narchole didn't help. I just want to move forward and forget...to have faith once again in myself...this time 100% faith. *sigh*

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