I surrender

Swan, I was thinking about you today, wondering where you were and how you were. I'm too new to feel like I could just message you and ask...one of the first posts I read here was yours. Go back and read your own story, I just did that today...it helped a great deal to remind myself how I got here in the first place and what I'm doing here. I hope it helps you and, you are NOT without friends, you have us...and we've all been through hell and we understand each other like few can reach out, just a little, maybe pick someone here to give your phone number to? I care about all of you so much already, you're saving my sanity. I don't want to lose any of you to the insanity of an N! We are worth way more than they will ever give

Swan...I feel your pain. I too have no friends..they all are married no one seems to care. My family is totally not emotionally engaged. I am sure this is the reason I have gravitated towards these types of men in my past, three now. My last one devasted me the most. I suppose it was an accumulation of years of pain and rejection. Last year when I found out my ex husband molested my daughter, my ex N was the only one there for me. He did so much to show me support. After 9 months of intensity and chaos, I found out he lied about so many things. He always said he never lied about his feelings for me. HE begged me to take him back, I finally did, because of course I was alone. I took him back and then after a very difficult time, found it he cheated on me. I am still trying to put my heart back together. I don't know if I can. The aloneness feeds this. I am trying harder than I ever have to take care of me and to heal my inner child. This is the hardest work I have ever done. and the most painful. Yet, I still miss the arse..I miss his kindness that he showed me in between his episodes..I don't know what destiny is...I am told he was put in my life to help me bring all these lessons together. I am trying to let go...I have remained NC now for two weeks, no more blasting him with emails and texts. It hurts more than I thought I could ever hurt...I am struggling and will continue to work at this..but it is not an easy road.

Alone seems bleak at first...but then you start to realize the possibilities. You can do whatever you want. You don't have to ask anyone. Use your imagination. There are no limits. Honestly. I look at my married friends and I'd still rather be me. Learn to love yourself. It seems trite, but really you are worth it. Start doing things that bring a smile to your face - is it shopping, a manicure, buying something, sunshine at the beach, a really great lunch out - treat yourself. You are worth it. Keep saying this over and over until it gets through, but please don't go back.

Swan, YOUR life is worth living! During the difficult times of the final D&D, there were times I WANTED God to take my life. It's not so much that I wanted to kill myself, but I had lost the will to live. When I went to bed, I'd want God to call me in my sleep, to end all the pain. But God let me live for a reason, and He's doing the same for you. God is giving you life everyday FOR A REASON, you might not see it now, but one day you will. God values your life that much. This is the Easter season. Jesus' disciples&apostles took Him for dead-they lived in fear&hiding... but He passed through the doors and let Thomas touch His wounds. One can see the D&D like Good Friday (it doesn't seem good at the time, believe me) If there were no suffering on Good Friday&Holy Saturday, there would be no Easter.

Hmm, I felt it might help to respond as I know how it is to be alone with no family, few friends and retired. I have been in the place where I felt it was better to have a "bad" RL than none at all. My thoughts were - at least I had someone. But I paid a high price for it. After going thru the RL with the N and now recovery, I have gained strength and would not go back. When I have "giving up" thoughts, I remember that the moment I chuck everything is about the time things will get better!! I will leave you with this thought - you are more important than you may ever know.

You have to learn to love you enough ! YOU have to care for YOU falling back to an N is a COP out. one you know the truth you are fully responsible for that knowledge Swan. Do the work. Face whatever it is you are so afraid of facing Swan@ I know tomorrow is a new day. I will leave you with this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kl1rRxG251s there's a place where we belong I will be thinking of you.

Don't do it SWAN. We will help you. There are support groups. Don't do it. It's not real. He cares nothing for you. But we do. Your just asking for more of the same. DON'T DO IT! Love Jen

I am not going to mince words here - a narc is incurable, forget that you are settling but you are copping out! If you have no friends, no job, that is within YOUR control. Stress CAUSES CANCER! This will be nothing but stress, never mind heart trouble, high blood pressure stroke... Imagine that future with no job, no health insurance and no friends - cause certainly you don't believe anything that isn't centered around the narc will find him at your bedside...well maybe he'll throw you a bone, but you can't get sick with a narc - it's inconvenient to them. SO if this is the "future" you envision, I guess there isn't much I can do to sway you - everyone has a dream. BUT I hope you wake up from this one cause none of us are getting younger and while we can still move it some, we still have a chance to re-paint the canvas. Hugs!

Am really sorry to read your post - I just read your story again, and I just want to say that I can really understand your reasons for choosing to go back into this relationship, but like the others on here - all the evidence is that these people can't and don't want to change. I do hope that it will work out for you, though. All the best.

Swan you know what you're doing is wrong. I can tell because you went thru all this to post that. If you trult felt it was right you would've just not come back to the site. He is fooling you what is going to happen after he D&D's you again you will be alone again. enjoy the lowlife while you can but you should reconsider.

This is your choice, in my opinion a really bad one. The vulture is feeding on the opportunity! If you take him back in this state of mind he will destroy you! Alone is better than what you are about to get into! You are in this situation because of him! Open your eyes, You know in your heart this is a bad move. Get a new job, new friends, a new attitude. Hunter

I feel sad, for you, I could probably be your mother, I am very alone, no family or friends where I live they are all scattered in different places, so i am just as alone, maybe more, than you are. i hope you do not go back and wind up in a living hell. If you want to devote your life to a self absorbed man, that is YOUR choice. I hope for your sake things work out, but life DOES NOT end if you do NOT go back, maybe it would be a beginning.A miserable life is as bad as a lonely life in my book..............you sound like you are giving up on life, any chance for therapy?

It is resignation. Do not do this to yourself. Do not give up. Do not make yourself a victim. No, sweetie, an abuser is not better than being alone. You know it or you would not be here. You are aware what to expect. You do not deserve abuse, no one does. You will find another job and meet people. Meanwhile we will be your friends. You will not be sad and lonely forever. Give it another try please.