NC is hard

16 posts / 0 new

#1 May 3 - 5PM

Deidre40

NC is hard

Yesterday, momoya made a comment about me in another thread, that I personally thought was unnecessary and hurtful. I get why you said it though, momoya. (I'm not seeking attention from him or from you all here, for the record, however) But...you got me thinking, that I need to get serious with closing this chapter of my life.

I have done quite well with not texting and phoning the guy. But, I made the mistake of replying to him online, on a website we belong to. I didn't think about this ''breaking'' NC, but it did. The irony is...the guy was banned. He pissed off a bunch of people elsewhere on the board, and he has been banned for a short time. That said ...people started sending me messages asking me to text him. His 'fans,' I suppose. They remember when we were dating, guess I'm his keeper to them. I wasn't going to text him, but then today...made the mistake of doing so.

But...it ended up being a blessing, oddly. He sent me a text the other day, apologizing. Brief. Today? Negative...calling me names...and putting me down. Telling me I shouldn't trust people I call friends, etc etc etc...on and on it went. I finally ended the dialogue with...welp, take care, and have a good day. He did not reply. I know his game. He thinks I'm going to 'miss' chatting, and come crawling back...''oooh, I made a mistake, let's get back together.' ha! No way.

But, I wanted to just say...when you open one area and break NC...let's say it's FB...it paves the way for other things to open up. I would never have thought I'd text the guy. Perhaps, I still have healing to do BECAUSE of him. Because I still gravitate to someone being nasty to me, like I had as a kid. I don't know...but regardless. I'm rather numb.

Anyways...If my mistakes can help someone else here...that would be good. NC is hard...

Sealing every hole ....FB, message boards, phone, text, etc...it is hard. But, the only way out of the mess, is to really seal ALL THE GAPS.

So, in some way, today helped me see...nope, they don't change. Not that I hoped for change, mind you. But, maybe...I needed aonther verbal smack from him, before closing the final gap.

I just wanted to offer this to anyone struggling with NC. YOU HAVE TO SEAL EVERY OPENING.

Thanks for listening. {{hugs}} to all and stay strong, everyone!

#2 May 4 - 8PM

neverlookback

He sent me a t-ext the other day,

honey that is CONTACT, if you read it ITS CONTACT. NC means absolutely NOTHING, no reading his words, listening to his messages, looking him up, I went thru it was over 90 days straight, NOTHING and I felt very very lost and it was very very painful, everyday was painful, the worst was the first month then it got better then I had waves of pain again that hit me out of nowhere, then I had good days, then in a moment of weakness after three long months I wished him well.... ya right I wrote an article on how NC was not for the weak, it will feel like its the hardest thing you have had to do in your entire life. During your NC you must reflect back and ask yourself why you would want to contact a person that did this to you? That always stopped me but then again its the total lack of closure and how we discover just how little we meant to them, yours is hoovering but its just a tactic they all do and use. I was lucky I changed my number and I live 3 hours away, so I had an advantage ya sure I guess he could have drove here but unlikely I wasnt worth it to him, and that even told me more just how little I meant to him. When they are with us we feel like we mean the world to them and when I left he could have given a shit less, we are torn in so many unhealthy directions - now I just dont care anymore, I dont care to figure anything out anymore, why he did what he did, WHO CARES, he is F up in the head I was conned and used thats all I know. I dont even care anymore that he never loved me I just want to FORGET the psycho and move on with my life. x0x0x0 stay strong its not easy

#3 May 4 - 11AM

michele115 (not verified)

Diedre

Absolutely...I am glad you were able to see what Momoya was tring to say to you. Sometimes when we are stuck in the loop others further along will say something that rubs us the wrong way and it "feels" harsh but it really isn't...it's a reality check the best way the person knows how to deliver it. So hat's off to Momoya for her message and hat's off to you too Diedre for connecting even though it took a little time. What I love most about this board is the fact that while emotions are high from time to time, regardless of what happens, this is a place where we can let it all hang out because at the end of the day, we are united in this experience and empatize, and VALIDATE one another. Hugs!

#4 May 4 - 12PM (Reply to #14)

Deidre40

Yep...thanks michele. I woke

Yep...thanks michele. I woke up today, and for the FIRST time in weeks...I felt free. I feel like I'm back in control of my thinking, and my life. I had NO IDEA how much control I gave to him...and that's the thing you learn through NC. (even though I wasn't 100%) You getto know who you are again... For many of us, the reason I think we run back to the narcs or want to...is because we don't recognize the life we left behind for them. But, you have to build a new one, if you have to. I come and go as I please...talk to who I wish...how I wish. And don't have 1000 questions at the end of the day waiting for me, from the possessive narc. Meanwhile, who knows what he was up to, which was probably why he was suspicious of me. Liars tend to think other people lie. That said...texting with him yesterday, took me back to our last conversation. HE WAS STILL BACK THERE. Still stuck on why we ended...still blaming me...still looking at my hanging around that website as a bad thing, and how I let that come between us. HAHAHA I laughed reading the texts, and then just told him to have a good day. Have not heard back from him since. But, I can honestly say...I needed to make sure, I wasn't losing my mind. Nope. Yesterday ensured that he is still stuck on he's right/I'm wrong...and he will never change. It wasn't a bad conversation, really. He was ok. But the put downs...his reality is not true reality. I don't think they live in true reality, so they create their own. But I'm free. Today...first time ever in weeks, that I woke up feeling empowered. Back in control of my own life. Just wanted to share that while NC can be hard...if you spend the time wisely, and not obsessing over them...you will build a better life for yourself. Far better than what you had with him/her.

#5 May 3 - 8PM

ifinallygotit

my dignity is the hard part

My ex N is ashamed and will not respond to my request for closure, He has a new life and is back in his old groove in a new city. I do not believe he will ever contact me as it would mean facing some very ugly behavior on his part... I think I represent failure and his old life...I think it is sheer pain for him to face me, but his own pain - no regard for me...I think he hates what he did to me

#6 May 4 - 5PM (Reply to #12)

onwithmylife

ifinallgoit for you

I always like your comments, but you mention trying to get your dignity back,am I getting it right? Because to me regaining your dignity is not getting closure, wiping him out of your life for the rest of your life, that will make your dignity blossom and I know it is not easy, it has taken me 2 years for this crap and huge void he left in my life and soul............mine ran away when I finally stood up for my rights and dignity,, just what if he did not regret what he did to you, perhaps you give him too much credit, maybe on a very subconscience level, I sure would NOT bet my money on it, they are evil people who care only for themselves.........

#7 May 3 - 8PM

kgirl

NC is hard!!!....But I know

NC is hard!!!....But I know you can do it Deidre! I think you're ready now :) Sending you herculean vibes of strength!!! XoXo ~KG

#8 May 3 - 5PM

SoaperGirl

Hang tough, this too shall pass!

Funny how sometimes the longing comes back to bite you. All evening I've wanted to email my narc. Then I remembered that I'm just feeling lonely - nobody around, just a couple of cats...thinking about OW, feeling a little envious. No I haven't sent an email. I try to remember that not hearing from me is more likely to drive him nuts and leave him powerless. Since he has a woman, and is ignoring me, doesn't seem bloody likely I'll hear form him. Just one of those times when you find yourself feeling between a rock and hard place - but it too shall pass! You realize its a temporary thing. Its funny Dee, I always think you as being one of the strongest members of the forum. Sure, I can talk tough and a good game. I'm tougher than crabgrass. Or I would have people believe it. A part of me wants to cry and beg to get him back, and then my backbone kicks in, and I just can't do it. I want to, but I'm clinging to my pride, what there is of it. Hang tough, this too shall pass!

#9 May 3 - 9PM (Reply to #9)

Deidre40

soapergirl

Hi Soapergirl! I think for me...definitely do not want the man back. The thought has not crossed my mind for a second since breaking up with him. But, if I'm honest...I just 'crave' closure. Like I need that ending...and I also sometimes like to remain friends with people I've dated. I usually have been able to at least be friendly with ex's. Even my kids' dad. But...with narcs. They leave you hanging...in suspension. Purposely. They want to control you even AFTER the breakup. That's what today's texting revealed. He hasn't changed. He talked about stuff as if we rewound the clock back 4 weeks...before we broke up. He was still ranting over the same crap! I was reading it like...lol OMG. So, breaking NC wasn't a terrible learning experience. But, I won't do it again. I am going to try to maintain silence now. He is what he is...and this is as close to closure as we'll come. I'm ok with that. Thank you for your post!! I hope to be consistently strong one day soon. :=)

#10 May 3 - 5PM

Hunter

D40

Sometimes tough love is needed! I've been critized for it! What it dies is pisses you off and makes you think! For all of you, I've made every mistake there is to make! I try to prevent the next one from feeling the pain! The bottom line is we all are going to do what we want! I beleive we all have good intentions. Hugs Hunter

#11 May 3 - 9PM (Reply to #4)

Deidre40

Yes...the only thing I

Yes...the only thing I disagree with momoya on...is I don't seek attention. BUT...what she made me realize is that I like to sometimes talk about my problems, but find no solutions to them. lol Problems just don't magically disappear. We have to find ways to solve them. So...tough love can be a good thing, at times... Thanks Hunter for always being here for me! And you too KG...and everyone else. KG...my texts to you...I could imagine your face. lol

#12 May 4 - 12PM (Reply to #6)

Hunter

D40

I get it! Youre trying to figure out nuts, and that's not easy! Sometimes is easier to give advice, when we are getting devalued and peeking our emotions are part of it! Yes, we know what to do but sometimes doing it is a struggle! It's the head and the heart playing tug of war! KG and I are FB friends and she is beautiful woman with a beautiful family! Hunter

#13 May 4 - 12PM (Reply to #7)

Deidre40

Hunta!

I believe you...I refuse to go back onto FB! It's evil. :P LOL Thanks Hunter!! You're so right. I can't explain it...but these past 4 weeks...of not speaking to him until yesterday (via text)...helped me. I reached out to him about him being banned from the site. I was very prepared to have a reply...''leave me alone...told you to leave me alone.'' But, he didn't. He wasn't mean. Wasn't nice. Sort of wanted me to know his thoughts on why we ended...lots of crazy exclamation points, and some things that made utterly no sense. lol I read the texts. And have kept them as a reminder if I'm ever weak again, of the madness. lol At the end of the day...they are very troubled souls. I am posting on that website again. He's banned, so it's helped. I am free to speak to who I wish...and if he comes back to the site when the ban is lifted...and acts like a jerk, I'll ignore him. I am out from the fog. And I think that you really have to claw your way through NC at first, to get to this point. And I'm not 100% indifferent, yet. I'm getting indifferent though. But, it's in the NC that you fall back in love with who you are again...and I didn't realize that I lost myself with him. :=( It's weird when you realize you have the control back. NC gives you the control back.

#14 May 3 - 10PM (Reply to #5)

kgirl

D...I don't mind your texts

D...I don't mind your texts at all :)

#15 May 3 - 8PM (Reply to #2)

kgirl

Hunter.....It DOES piss you

Hunter.....It DOES piss you off and make you think! Some of the people that have pushed me in life are the people I ended up treasuring the most :) You pretty much make me laugh every day! XoXo ~KG

#16 May 4 - 7PM (Reply to #3)

Hunter

KG

The unfortunate reality of this is we were used and abused, Simply Headfucked. If you don't get it after being here you aren't going to get it. These people are disordered, Bottom line. Our only defense is NC. Maybe they cant help it but its not our problem we have lives to live too. Hunter

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