Going Back

My ex and I knew each other years ago in high school. Over this weekend, I ran into another fellow high school classmate I hadn't seen in more than twenty years, and we had a very pleasant, friendly chat, which he followed with an e-mail telling me how great it was to have run into me. I was checking out his Facebook page to see how many FB friends we had in common - fortunately, my ex isn't one of them - but I wound up on another alum's page, which ultimately led me to my ex's. I unfriended him months ago and had been doing really well in recent weeks not still going to his page - in fact, the need to see what he's been doing has lessened as I've grasped how much happier I've been with new, genuinely NICE people in my life that have only pointed up how NOT NICE a guy he is. So I figured I could handle seeing his page now, given my new, healthier outlook and happier mindset.

It was unbelievable . . . just being on that page, seeing even just general random posts people have left there, photos of his family - it felt like getting kicked in the chest. All the old feelings of hurt and pain and rejection and insignificance came flooding back. And that's without even having any sort of communication from him, or seeing anything that definitively told me in no uncertain terms that he's still involved with the floozy or anyone else. It was being walked away from all over again. It's amazing how just the sight of his name, or his profile picture, can make me feel so utterly horrible. It's like a Pavlovian response or something.

And yet, on some level, I still miss him. It makes no sense to me. How can I feel such terrible, heartwrenching negative emotions just looking at his FB page, not even speaking to him, and still sometimes have my low moments when I wish he'd reach out to me, even when I recognize full well how much better my life is without him in it, or without any kind of reminders of him at all? I don't want to contact him myself. I would never, ever trust him again and even wonder just what crap he's told mutual friends about me. I like my life as it is. I like the people who are in it now. I feel surrounded by goodness and positive energy. I'm moving forward and creating a whole new existence on my own terms, and I'm so excited by it. What on earth is it that makes me still miss him when I have so much wonderfulness (I made up a word :-) in my world and know that it would all disintegrate in a heartbeat if he were to come back into it??