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The *epiphany of the day* thread

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#1 Apr 27 - 4PM
Deidre40
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The *epiphany of the day* thread

Thought this could be both fun, and yet rewarding for us all to read what lightbulb moments we've had ....as we continue along this journey to breaking free of narc-ville.

Here's mine. Today, I was driving home from work. It struck me, after ALL the reading I've done here. After all the praying, tears, and reflection--that I finally got what happened.

*I* mistakenly thought we had a relationship. That might have been leading somewhere. When I broke things off, I was ending...A RELATIONSHIP. To him, though? His agenda didn't work. To us, we are sad because we view this as a lost relationship. To them, however? We are nothing more than someone to gain control over. Like they do with the rest of their lives. My exN was so overwhelmingly controlling with his own time schedule...everything had to be just so...from when he washed his clothes, to when he got gas, to the meals during the day that he ate...everything was precise. No deviating from the plan. When I entered the pic...I had to fall in line with all that. He didn't really 'love' me, see. He loved the thought of controlling me. The more control he could exercise, the more I somehow (inadvertently) would prove my love for him. A relationship to them, is not about finding love. It's about control. Winning. AN AGENDA FROM THE START.

I think back to when he first said...I love you. It was so canned. Rehearsed. I thought I'd turn my head and see a camera man and crew ...and someone yelling...''that's a wrap.'' Seriously. Looking back, it was very contrived. And planned. I knew it was coming, interestingly.

So...now that this whole thing is done. And the fog (and smog) has cleared. I can see things much simpler and clearer than when I was in it. WHICH IS WHY LADIES/GENTS, YOUR NARCS CAN MOVE ON TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE RATHER QUICKLY...AND YOU'RE LEFT WONDERING WHY. DIDN'T THEY LOVE ME, YOU ASK. THEY MIGHT HAVE FELT LOVE, BUT AS SOON AS THEY FELT IT, THEY REALIZED THEY NEEDED TO GET BACK IN CONTROL. THEIR NEED FOR CONTROL TRUMPS EVERYTHING. EVEN THEIR DESIRE FOR LOVE. WHEN YOU ARE NO LONGER WILLING TO BE THEIR PUPPET...THEY MUST SEEK OUT NEW SUPPLY. SO THEY REGAIN CONTROL AGAIN.

The disorder itself is a strooooong desire and need for control, because they are so deeply riddled with insecurities. So, it's not you they are d&d'ing...rather, when you no longer satisfy their needs for control (I mean, who can really?) they move on. But, they come back...and hoover...why? Because the next victim caught on...and they have to find new supply quickly again, but in the meantime they come back to an old standby. Us.

So, don't be sitting around, pining over your lost relationship. Because it was not a relationship to him.

Tag, you're it now! :D

Apr 29 - 1AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Diedre....

I loved this ephiphany... Hugs!
Apr 30 - 8PM (Reply to #13)
HopeAgain
HopeAgain's picture

Maybe we become them

I feel like they almost make us into them in that we lose our sense of self...we are disconnected from ourselves and become dependent on them to validate us. Since they are our only source of supply, while they have many, we don't get enough supply with which to survive. Just think about how desperate you felt when they emotionally starved & neglected you. This is how these vampires feel if they don't get what they need! Imagine living like THAT forever! Having to prowl for supply endlessly! I feel so empowered not needing anyone's validation. Not him, not any man, not no one!
Apr 30 - 8PM (Reply to #14)
findingmeagain
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I remember one time some

I remember one time some years ago I screamed out that I was messing around and my N grabbed me and choked me until I had got loose of his hold, he then went into a rage and started hitting stuff. I thought at the time damn he really does care about me (oh please). But now I see he was probably hurt that I would ever do such a thing to "the King". SMFH if I only knew about NPD sooner.
Apr 29 - 6AM (Reply to #12)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

{{{hugs}}} michele Friday's

{{{hugs}}} michele Friday's epiphany.... I no longer care to hear from him to apologize to me (like I had been wanting since the break up these past few weeks) because I would wonder his motives. I even think apologies can be seen as hoovering. So, really...ANY CONTACT from this man would be bad. I didn't think like that last week. I wanted to hear I'm sorry, and I guess I thought I would 'feel' better. But, no. It dawned on me today, to let the ghost go. Let it all go...I lay this at God's altar. May He heal me, and purify my thinking. May He also heal the narc. With God, all things are possible.
Apr 28 - 6PM
deecbee
deecbee's picture

This is a good idea! Mine for

This is a good idea! Mine for the day- actually, from just a few minutes ago: NC is really worthless if I continue to peek at his FB pg, EVEN if it is private. It keeps him on my mind. Also, changing my profile picture & wondering if I look hot or happy or busy or healthy enough for him to get annoyed... that's breaking NC. Its not about not talking to him, it's about not allowing him to occupy any space in my mind, period.
Apr 28 - 7PM (Reply to #10)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

deecbee

You stole my epiphany! :D This is really a wonderful breakthrough, dee. I honestly was thinking the same thing !! I just looked at his profile on that website...grrrr. Still has my profile comments on his page. I don't care, really. But, old habits die hard. LET'S REPEAT THAT. OLD HABITS DIE HARD. They really do. :=( It's become a habit...checking his profile. Logging into the site. I have no problem being NC. No desire to talk to that jerk. But, I want to forget about this part of my life. I want to close this chapter. I can't close it, if I keep opening it. lol Thanks for bringing this to light, dee.
Apr 27 - 7PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Deirdre40 you are AMAZING

You are RIGHT ON about the controlling, think you cracked the nut big time on this one,,you are right, and I will say it again, it is all about them gaining control,,even if it doesn't serve them, profit them, help them "grow" they just want control, and they ultimately lose everything because of that. It DEFINTELY was not a 'relationship' with them. You are right. There was no relationship. It was just them using and controling. That is all they do. Thank you for that extremely insightful and well written post. You rock!
Apr 27 - 5PM
kgirl
kgirl's picture

OK.... I'll play :) My

OK.... I'll play :) My epiphany of the day is..... I was NOT me when I was with narcette. I started out as the true me, but when I got tangled in her web and brainwashed, I was not me! I think back on the past three years.... who was I?? I'm not some submissive, push over, total self sacrificing woman! But I was with her. For me, it's like waking from a dream or a coma wondering what the hell went on for the past three years! Today, I am ME...... but I wasn't when I was with her. Tag.... you're it! :)
Apr 27 - 10PM (Reply to #7)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

KG

LOVE THIS REVELATION, KG!!! Thanks for sharing! As I come out of the narc fog...I too look at ''that girl'' I was with him. Dayum! I was vulnerable, weak, and too pliable. No more! I don't want to return to who I once was...I want to return improved. :=) Here's to lightbulb moments--you're really doing well!!
Apr 27 - 5PM
Epiphany
Epiphany's picture

Mine

I realized that the pictures I had in my head of MY life, the ones that only used to include him are changing!!! They no longer include him. They are happy with friends and family, hugs and laughter, peace and not chaos. It is the first time in years I have dreams that are about me and not him. And I know this means I'm getting better every single day.
Apr 27 - 5PM (Reply to #5)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Epiphany

That is an Epiphany! Hunter
Apr 27 - 4PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Oh. And I'm not saying that

Oh. And I'm not saying that totally doesn't SUCK. It does. It hurts. But, make sure you're crying over the RIGHT thing. For the right reasons. I cried because I really thought we had a ''good'' relationship that was going places. But, it's like being on a football team, and you and the Qback don't see eye to eye, but the Qback pretends to see eye to eye, to fool you. So, you both go into the game thinking you're after the same thing...but the Qback has entirely different agenda...and thwarts the entire game. You are standing there, looking at him...''what the heck? I thought we went over this?'' And he just smirks back at you. So, when you cry...cry for the right reasons. This isn't like a relationship, where two healthy people came together, and one or the other really effed up. That happens, too...in narcless relationships. This is totally different. Narcs have an agenda from the beginning. Some are more diabolical than others. Some are passive. But the end result is the same. CONTROL. POWER OVER YOU. Once you want to stand on equal footing with the narc...the ''relationship'' will tank. He will either cheat, leave...or make your life so unbearable you will leave. I chose the latter. So...he's not leaving you. HIS AGENDA ISN'T WORKING OUT, SO HE'S GOTTA FIND SOMEONE WHERE THE AGENDA WILL FIT. So, when you see the FB bullshit of your exN's professing their undying love for another. Remember. They don't change. If you truly were with a narc, he has an agenda. And once that chick/guy doesn't do what he/she wants? The same thing will happen to them, as to you. I dated a man who had 4 wives. He's not even 40. Hello. Should I think it was me? :D
Apr 27 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Epiphany Moment

When you realize there is no "person" inside the Narc to relate to. Good luck with that one.
Apr 27 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Amazed & Epiphany...really

Amazed & Epiphany...really awesome epiphanies!!! I am glad we can share this. I had one pop up in my mind tonight. When someone tells you in less than a month: * I love you * you're the best thing that's ever happened to me * I could see marrying you RUUUUNNN!!!!