Do Ns Ususally Come Back?

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Apr 2 - 7PM
kgirl
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Welcome Mell :) Yes!....my N

Welcome Mell :) Yes!....my N has contacted me at least 3 or 4 times since initiating NC a couple weeks ago. I broke it 4 days ago...wish I hadn't. Now it feels liks a silent treatment again. Stay strong and keep close to the board. There are so many wonderful people here :) ~KG
Apr 2 - 7PM (Reply to #45)
Mell
Mell's picture

Thank you-I am happy to have

Thank you-I am happy to have found all of you! Well I'm pretty sure that once he feels HE is getting the silent treatment, he will be back in touch with you. : ( Thanks for the response!
Apr 2 - 4PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

YES<YES and YES

my exnarc came back at least 5-6 times in the 15 year relationships until I wrote him a letter 2 years ago, daring to question his authority about why the relationships was always about his wants,needs, what about me too, because a committed relationship is suppose to be about 2 people, NOT ONE PERSON, well that did it as far as he is concerned I might as well be dead, heard nothing for many months, except a few hateful letters last year, when I sent him a few friendly cards.I could guarantee 100% I will nev er hear from him again, only because I believe he knows, I know, who he REALLY is, until that happens they keep coming back for more from you..............
Apr 2 - 5PM (Reply to #36)
Mell
Mell's picture

This Is Crazy-making!

Thank you all so much for your replies! I am VERY new to this and it has only been 10 days since I caught N husband with "new supply" and then I filed for divorce the next morning. He tried to lie, but I told him to save his breath-I was done. However, he contacted me 3 days ago about a concert! (not about getting back together, but I thought-- WTF???). I did not respond, but after reading all of these "come-back" stories, it makes me wonder what the SOB has up his sleeve. The day before I caught him, we had one of THE best days we have had in over 3 months and he gave me 2 VERY WELL thought out gifts and said he wanted to "work on our marriage." Sorry I'm rambling-just trying to wrap my mind around this craziness!!
Apr 2 - 5PM (Reply to #40)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Mell

their words and actions never match, talk is real cheap and I wrote that to the narc once.I got an angry, rageful letter back at me, he never addressed anything about HIM, always threw the crap at me so he wouldn't have to look inward, god forbid...............
Apr 2 - 6PM (Reply to #41)
Mell
Mell's picture

Yes, I am seeing just how

Yes, I am seeing just how much the actions do not match the words. My entire marriage has been a huge, frickin' lie--man, that pisses me off!
Apr 3 - 11AM (Reply to #42)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

words not matching - extreme case

Said he loved me and did not want his move to be a break up, did not want to date other women (after 10 or so years with me) Left town for a job and soon got new GF and abandoned me - TOTALLY, after inviting me to come visit Says that he still misses me now but, Has not called in 6 months, has not texted in 3 months, posts pics of new GF on FB and is a big man about town again in the new city (lots of media attention there, where as here he was getting almost none)
Apr 10 - 10PM (Reply to #43)
IMFree
IMFree's picture

BLOCK HIM!

BLOCK HIM.....BLOCK HIM.....!
Apr 2 - 5PM (Reply to #37)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Mell

My Narc did the same thing to his ex-wife. He was buying her presents and treating her like a queen the week before she found out he was screwing around with 2 other women! I wonder if they do that to keep the wife happy so she will be content and not ask any questions?? She made the comment to me that she thought she was the richest woman in the world because she had a loving husband and 2 beautiful children and then was blindsided when she caught him. They are truly sick sick selfish bastards. I'm sorry for what you are going through but I promise you he WILL come back. He will come back and he will be so pitiful and he will be SO SORRY for what he did. It's sickening. Be strong because you know he will not change! Hang in there!!!
Apr 2 - 5PM (Reply to #38)
Mell
Mell's picture

Me Too

WOW-that is exactlly how I felt! He was loving and I felt so lucky and blah, blah, blah. I think you are exactlly right--keep the wife happy so that he can do whatever on the side. Thank you for the kind words!
Apr 2 - 5PM (Reply to #39)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

I think I was like the wife at home

without the benefits of marriage. I had no idea he was cheating and not happy with me.
Apr 2 - 4PM (Reply to #33)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Mine, too

I think mine knows that I know what he is. I have never confronted him. But I think he knows that I am friendly with the woman who replaced me the day I left him. (That means all his lies to her have been revealed.) She & I have been seen in the city by people who socialize with him. And, he knows that she has been in touch with his first ex-wife (& possibly me too). (WOW! The lies he told about their marriage as well!) Also, I have been steadily NC. At divorce court when he tried to talk to me--I went into the Ladies' Room. Any contact he initiated, I responded: "Reconciliation is not possible." Ns cannot bear to be shunned in public--it si so humiliating for them to not be in control & charming. Once you get your money, your possessions & your person away from the N -- really who cares what they say, do, or write? If there is a danger--get a restraining order.
Apr 9 - 5AM (Reply to #34)
Monica
Monica's picture

The ex-wife turned an entire town against him

He was left with no friends, no community activities, no place to go hang out in his town. I was one of his only "friends" left and we hung out in my town. Of course, at that time I believed he was the victim, not the ex-wife. When he suddenly D&D'd me after my many months of supporting him and encouraging him and listening to him and comforting him and cooking for him and, well, "other" things, I blocked all his access to me and cut him off completely. I would love to talk with his ex-wife and assure her it was not HER but she has not contacted me at all, which is probably her own N/C with all things N (other than the kids) and she may also be afraid of him. Even someone xN thinks is a "friend" tells people it was him, not her, because he and his wife are friends with her. I am just SO happy to be rid of him. He wanted to remain FRIENDS. Former lovers (or whatever it was that we were and did...not love on his part!) usually cannot be friends, especially when one is an N. So....no way to that. He does not understand. Before I blocked him completely he emailed me, "Please remove blocks. Make the right choice." WTF?? Get over yourself, buddy.
Apr 10 - 9PM (Reply to #35)
IMFree
IMFree's picture

I also tried to contact new supply!

I tried to warn this woman by "friending" her son on FB! He told me that my ex told him he was a Christian and was going to lead his mother to the Lord!!!!!LOL I told him he would lead her down the highway to hell and I never heard another thiong from him. My "N" is living with this woman in "her"house now! She told my daughter that she need not worry about her dad cause "He was being well taken care of". She also said he was "very charming" LOL Let just sit back and watch this implode!
Apr 2 - 3PM
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

Yep, he keeps hoovering.

Yep, he keeps hoovering. Suddenly we are best buddies, especially with regards to online, one-way conversations. If it wasn't disrespectful with regards to my wishes, I'd find it pitiful and hilarious. Fortunately I seem to be drifting into a new phase of indifference towards him.
Apr 2 - 3PM
ABC0311
ABC0311's picture

But of course!

After they tell you how horrible you are they will tell you they want to make it work in the same breath. Will drive you crazy!!
Apr 2 - 3PM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

I would say 8 and a half

I would say 8 and a half times out of 10 they come back if this board is a fare assesment of that ... it really can take 30 years for them to do so but i believe most come back when they are short of suply or, and this cant be counted out ,when they are getting supply but want a real big hit of it , in thoses times you will get an email or something saying "live is really great , im geting marryed or i have met a wonderful person , i have a new job blah blah blah " mine did this when ow was firmly under his spell .. sick sick sick ..I followed NC and it cut that hover short , but there has been others , the first hovers came from his friends when he would get a friend to ask me if i was going to this event or that event , these nearly went under the radar but when i follower the trail back it came from him . They can be sneaky in their hovers and we need to have our eyes open for them , the rule of thumb is "any contact they initiate after us going NC is a hover " be is positive or negative correspondence its a hover .xx
Apr 10 - 10PM (Reply to #29)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

i think I am the exception ( the 1.5)

Mine does not speak to any of his ex GFs. he said none will speak to him! but i learned he actually abandons all of them and goes silent treatment. he is the ex-famous and i think he really does believe he is hot sh__ even though he was a broke unemployed pot addict the whole time i knew him... He should have good supply until at least age 70 since he is sexy and some know his name - I guess we would be geriatric if we ever get together again... Oh, wouldn't that be awful to be really old and treated like crap??
Apr 2 - 3PM (Reply to #28)
dudette
dudette's picture

I hope to be in the 1.5

of cases that they don't come back to... in any case it would not be good news... When they come back, more heartbreak is usually to follow
Apr 2 - 2PM
dudette
dudette's picture

sometimes

and sometimes they don't... sometimes they give you the silent treatement for minths or years.. sometimes they come back but only 30 years later..... it depends on supply. how successful they are at securing new satisfying supply.... and whether they can any any out of you.... if they think that you are no longer a good supply source for them or you are onto them it is likely they will leave you alone.... Best thing for you anyway.....
Apr 2 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

dudetter - mine never goes back to women

He has a history of abandoning women with silent treatment - says he is not in touch with any exes and is ultra successful at attracting new women. He will never run out of new supply and I do not expect to hear from him unless he were to lose his job and have a major crisis where he has to move back here - even then, he is a proud self sufficient type and would not beg for another chance. Quiet, nice and friendly MO, used to be famous, women love him (except all exes who never speak to him again). Maybe if he was less able to secure new supply he would hoover, but I just do not see that happening. Plus we ain't young - we could be dead before he thinks of a revisit. I WANT to say good bye to him.
Apr 2 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
miloka
miloka's picture

Mine said he never talked to

Mine said he never talked to his exes again, then little by little he would call them, they would call him, and hell they can all keep it going. I think they are narcissists too
Apr 8 - 12PM (Reply to #26)
miloka
miloka's picture

Mine said the same about his

Mine said the same about his exes. and yes slowly but surely he contacted them.And I do agree they are as narcissistic as him. They come back when there is no supply. I hopefully will be the first one he never contacts again. It ended badly.
Apr 2 - 5PM (Reply to #4)
trying2heal
trying2heal's picture

Still doubting mine would return

I am new to this board. I have much exposure and knowledge about Narcs and Sociopaths since my breakup in September. I caught him in his web of lies, found out about his hidden life and it was a terrible confrontation where I exposed him to the three of us. I never heard from him again. When I wrote a 10 page letter and mailed it instead of emailing at the advice of my therapist I was met with the most disgusting email from him filled with projection(which I did not know what that was at the time) which made me realize how ill he is. He tried to make me look crazy in his email and accused me of stuff he in fact did. I wrote him calling him a "disturbed, deceitful, mean-spirited man that needed help. So to this day I wonder if he would have the nerve to return.
Apr 2 - 5PM (Reply to #5)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

trying2heal

If He REALLY thinks you are on to him, then maybe not, that was the way it was with mine, he is frightened, scared of women, told me that comment years ago he mentioned his third wife and one of his daughters, he is truly a sick man.
Apr 2 - 6PM (Reply to #6)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

frightened

Mine sounded terrified of me when i broke contact after 2 months and called him at work. He is the N who left town and abandoned me with no discussion after parting on a very loving note with me when he dropped me to the airport last summer ( I never saw him again!). He sounded like a scared guilty kid and not the big tough guy - he also sounded like he still cared for me but I realize he does not, or I would not be here.
Apr 2 - 6PM (Reply to #18)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Ifinallygotit

they are really scared, distraught little 2 year old toddlers who got ruined by their mommies and improper parenting,in one form or another.think about it only cowards with no balls would do that, like mine moving out of state and when I wrote a letter to him, up and changed his number and disappeared on me.you are lucky he ook your call and at least you got some closure, I did not get any, along with others on this board, he threatened me with stalking if i ever stepped foot on his property, what a fraidy cat!!!
Apr 2 - 6PM (Reply to #23)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

I blocked my number

I called him at work so he had to pick up and I blocked my number so he could not see who was calling. I think he answered just "hello" instead of stating his name which is not how people answer at work so I think he was worried. he rarely picked up his cell when he knew it was me and even when we were together. I got no closure except I know he does not hate me, which is what silent treatment made me think.
Apr 2 - 8PM (Reply to #24)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Ifinallygotit

curious how was he when he found out it was you, clever to block your number, mine would call the police if i called him. what you got may not be closure but I think it is better than nothing, like I did not anything get from mine but police threats if I called or came to his door.
Apr 8 - 10PM (Reply to #25)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

onwithmylife

Are you asking how he acted when he realized it was me after 4 months? He sounded quietly freaked out at first, his voice was constricted in his chest - bracing himself, scared, like he was about to be confronted. When I kept the conversation light and short he slowly warmed up (initially sounded deathly somber and sad) but by the end he perked up as i did not blast him and he parted on a very friendly note. It was a bizarre few minutes. I have said before on here I felt like a parent who tracked down their missing child who then hung his head and agreed with everything I said very passively. Now I do believe he was overly bonded with his mother, grew to hate women for perceiving that they are trying to engulf him when they want to get close (probably was never allowed to develop his own person with a strong over attached mom) so then he runs away from them. When I called, I heard no hate or malice in his voice - just a sad guilty little boy. I don't want to even tell you how big or macho this guy is - but the pysch problems are so deep. I am one who does not hate my ex N even though his behavior had been despicable.... I did see the sweet little boy many times and to be honest, we played like children together. He really did like me as much as an N can...but now he is with a hooker looking girl on the other side of the country. His momma would not have liked this!!! Good thing she is dead...I do hear the N's get really out of control when either their authority figures in their lives die off or they get destabilized by a move and lose a lose a stable partner... Anyway, there is no closure whether they are angry like yours or passive and quiet like mine. he gave absolutely no explanation for anything - he was always that way.