Do Ns Ususally Come Back?

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#1 Apr 2 - 2PM
Mell
Mell's picture

Do Ns Ususally Come Back?

I am new to all of this, but I have read lots of stories on various sites that seem to have a theme of the N coming back after the partner initiates NC and wanting to "try again." (fat chance).

Has anyone experienced this?

Apr 10 - 8PM
WiserNow30
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They always come back!

They always come back and that's why I have a court hearing tomorrow for a 5-year protection order. For the past 6 weeks, my Ex N has repeatedly contacted me with verbal assaults and empty threats. He started off nice and apologetic, but then the D&D came when I refused contact. My attorney thinks it's a slam dunk for me tomorrow. I'm sending my Ex N a big message tomorrow in court that I won't be like his other Ex's that he can contact whenever he feels the need. I'll be shocked if he shows up for court. Will let you all know what happens tomorrow.
Apr 10 - 9PM (Reply to #75)
Mell
Mell's picture

WiserNow

Good Luck tomorrow!!
Apr 9 - 10PM
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Did you post this because you

Did you post this because you want him to come back? I want mine to come back, and that's why I'm being honest. But of course I wouldn't have him back after what he's done. BUT it doesn't mean my ego that is so bruised does not want to know that he loves me or thinks about me.
Apr 9 - 10PM (Reply to #57)
Mell
Mell's picture

Well, I filed for divorce

BUT, I was curious about them coming back because I keep reading that they do. (not sure about the divorced ones). I understand completely--I would not have him back, BUT Yes, I want him to come back and help with my bruised ego as well. I also want him to be miserable with OW I caught him with. LOL
Apr 9 - 10PM (Reply to #58)
Arwen
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Mell I totally understand, I

Mell I totally understand, I really, really do. Everyone here has and does go through this particular emotion a lot. And don't worry...he is a miserable person and miserable people are never happy with anyone. He will destroy her. You should feel sorry for this woman.
Apr 9 - 10PM (Reply to #59)
Mell
Mell's picture

THANK YOU, PG! It SO helps to

THANK YOU, PG! It SO helps to know that someone understands!! I have tried to feel sorry for her, but the fact that she was laughing that I caught them, has made that difficult for me. Thank you so much for your response-made me feel much better!
Apr 10 - 12AM (Reply to #60)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Mell I did not know about

Mell I did not know about that part of the story. He has definitely turned her against you as they all do to the new source of supply. They get the new supply to believe that all their ex-es are crazy bitches, and the new gf is SO charmed and SO caught up with him and the insane drama that goes with it that she will believe his stories. It's all part of the intense attention he gives to the new supply and it's one of their tricks to secure the supply, the sick way of making someone in your presence feel special by downgrading other people to her. It's so lame, so pathetic that all these narcs can do to make themselves seem important is to badmouth some very wonderful women who have all taken care of him. This girl is going to be the next bi-polar bitch on his list that he will tell the next source of supply about. Trust me on this. I was the new girlfriend not too long ago listening to him tell me about his bi-polar (they LOVE that insult) ex GF who he was actually still seeing and now I am the crazy bitch#
Apr 10 - 2PM (Reply to #61)
Mell
Mell's picture

patiencegoal

Thank you so much for saying all of that! Yes, I am sure that he has said how I neglected him and one of his favorites is to say he is being "stalked" by the crazy exes. I have a feeling he told her I was his "ex-wife" even though the very day before I caught them, he and I had the best day we had had in months and agreed to "work on our marriage." Your post makes me feel better, thank you again!
Apr 10 - 2PM (Reply to #62)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Oh I'm so glad it helped

Oh I'm so glad it helped Mell. I just can't believe what you are going through. This is going to be a tough road for you for awhile, but one thing you need to know is that you are already doing great and, that these men are never going to treat someone else well or better than you. There is no magic secret that another woman has to make herself "the one". He would have to do a MASSIVE amount of self-healing, therapy, introspection and change in order to be appropriate for a relationship. that is not likely to happen.
Apr 10 - 2PM (Reply to #63)
Mell
Mell's picture

patiencegoal

Yes, it is very tough to accept and thank you for you comments about her not being "the one." That is the hardest part of this for me-I have obsessive thoughts about "them" and how well he is treating her. He was usually very nice to me and treated me very well and I hate thinking that he is doing the same with her. I know I need to let it go and get it out of my head-I'm trying. LOL
Apr 10 - 9PM (Reply to #73)
IMFree
IMFree's picture

Dealing with his new supplier

I was married to an "N" for 30 years. We divorced in 2007 after a lengthy and awefull court battle. He now has a new woman and even after all he did to me I still obsess about how he is treating her! I know he has told everyone that I am a sick freak...he even wrote letters to my friends, my mother, and my pastor! He told them I did illegal drugs and drank so much it was costing him too much money! Why do I still feel like this after all I have been through? I know what your saying but it is sick that we even care, isn't it?
Apr 10 - 3PM (Reply to #64)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Mell all the more reason to

Mell all the more reason to see exactly how insane he is...he can have a great day with you and have the same good day with her the next day? This is is not a normal human response...you know that! Another man without NPD would have guilt, would be very attached to his wife that he had a great day with and would want to build on that - just like all of us do in that situation. Don't you see how sick it is what he's doing? It's a serious disorder not your fault!
Apr 10 - 3PM (Reply to #65)
Mell
Mell's picture

Yes, I do see how sick it

Yes, I do see how sick it is--it makes me want to puke-LITERALLY! It was because of the day we had and then I caught him the very next day, that I filed for divorce because I cannot fathom him being able to do that shit back to back! I DO see it, I just need to get over my obsessive thoughts about the two of them.
Apr 10 - 9PM (Reply to #72)
IMFree
IMFree's picture

Sick too

I do the same thing! Don't feel like you are in this club alone!
Apr 10 - 6PM (Reply to #66)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

Mell - you are not alone

Mine got with a new woman just weeks after moving for a new job after us parting totally in love and thinking we were staying together (after 10 years). Mine was sweet most of the time too until I got TOO close and wanted more than a superficial love affair. This lady he is with looks as superficial as him (she is trying extra hard to get attention - the boobs always out, fake this and that...). It does hurt that he is showing her off as his GF just months after leaving but in my heart I know its just bullshit - It took him years to get close to me... Your Ex may be nice to her now but it does not mean there is any real feeling there. They like the chase, the hunt, the initial thrill of romance - but not the actual person!!! I feel grossed out by it but strangely not jealous. I thought I would be totally jealous to see him with another woman as I have NEVER seen him with another woman ever - but it strangely just confirms the Narcdom... Please lets help each other keep our heads up. This is not our faults that they are such asses and cannot attach. I is a very immature ego thing...
Apr 10 - 6PM (Reply to #67)
Mell
Mell's picture

ifinallygotit

THANK YOU! It is nice to hear stories about Ns that were nice most of the time. Sometimes I feel like I don't fit in here because a lot of the stories, the Ns were complete assholes (except in the beginning). Sorry to hear about your N (after 10 years--total ass) and yes, lets help each other keep our heads up-thank you for the encouragement!
Apr 10 - 6PM (Reply to #68)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

Mell

I have the same feelings of not fitting in because my N was so nice and quiet most of the time - but after so many years I did see the brooding irritable side too - and the obsession with image (which I foolishly thought was because of his athletic past and did not understand how weird he is). But his basic nature is pretty sweet and quiet and non-violent. a good little boy!!! (in his 50's) The emotional withholding was just awful but I always comforted myself with how nice and polite he was - but he just really feared intimacy and would totally freak out and shut down. I know it is not my fault!!! When they get with a new woman, the pressure is off!! They can play the game they are comfortable with and be happy and free again for a little while - until she starts wanting intimacy... Even nice quiet non-scary Narcs are very dangerous - mine pretends nothing happened after destroying our long love... Yours may well come back - mine would have to be very very desperate to come back as he is getting both female and professional supply big time - lots of fans, he is content...
Apr 10 - 7PM (Reply to #69)
Mell
Mell's picture

"When they get with a new

"When they get with a new woman, the pressure is off!! They can play the game they are comfortable with and be happy and free again for a little while - until she starts wanting intimacy..." I hope so! LOL I am still trying to get used to the fact that (like yours)they can just pretend nothing has happened! I don't want him back and I already filed for divorce-I just want him to come back and beg (the way some of these Ns on here have). Sounds silly, but true. Hopefully I will get to a point of indifference, but not there yet.
Apr 10 - 9PM (Reply to #70)
IMFree
IMFree's picture

I fell for it!

I went back to the f##ker like a dumb ass because he said he had made a mistake and wanted to marry me again. He even called the pastor and set a date! That lasted until I moved all my stuff back in, violated my divorce decree, and lsot my spousal support! I am outta there for good! I never want him back but sad to say I don't want him to have anyone else....He has a new one and I feel sorry for her
Apr 10 - 10PM (Reply to #71)
Mell
Mell's picture

IMFree

WOW!!! You are NOT a dumb ass--after 30 years, of course you wanted to believe that asshole! AND Hell no, you don't want him to be with anyone else-I am new to all of this, but I doubt I will ever wish him well with anyone else. My first husband was not an N and I always wish him well, but I DO NOT and probably WON'T, wish this one well-he has just hurt me to the core and maybe that makes me a "small" person, but that is how I feel. He came back AFTER your divorce?? Sorry, just curious because I can't find a lot of info on married and divorced Ns. How on earth did he justify it and then leave again? Man, he is pissin' me off and I don't even know either of you! I'm sorry he is such an ass!!
Apr 9 - 5AM
jen79
jen79's picture

Make sure you dont know anymore about he coming back

Thats more important. Yes they always come back, but make sure you will never know about it, block him, change your number, change email, whatever it takes. Make sure he cannot step in your life ever again.
Apr 8 - 10PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Oh yes!

And when they do we call it Hoovering. Here's a link to explain what that is: http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/04/07/narcissists-hoover-maneuver
Apr 10 - 9PM (Reply to #54)
IMFree
IMFree's picture

Hoovering!

That is exactly what it is....pshycological vampires they are! They are good at it too...I have blocked mine from everything cause I just might fall for his BS again!
Apr 9 - 9PM (Reply to #53)
Mell
Mell's picture

Thank you, Lisa! WOW-this is

Thank you, Lisa! WOW-this is overwhelming to learn about!
Apr 8 - 3AM
candy
candy's picture

yes they do come back

mine came back after a month ...that was last year, i was so happy to have him in my life again .. told me he missed me sooo much,and he will never Leave me again .... im dumped again with no closure or explanation and in my 6th week of silent treatment . NEVER AGAIN AND I MEAN IT !!
Apr 3 - 11AM
Finally Faced It
Finally Faced It's picture

you = my supply

And don't buy into the "soulmate" fantasy of "Wow...he must REALLY care about me because he keeps coming back again and again." Once you understand how they operate, it's easy to see that they don't keep coming back because they care anout US...they keep coming back because they care about THEMSELVES. Try replacing the word "you" with "my supply" in every line of crap they've tried to force-feed you and you'll get my point. I miss you = I miss my supply The one thing I could always count on was you = The one thing I could always count on was my supply I want you back = I want my supply back I need you = I need my supply
Apr 3 - 10AM
StudentOfLife
StudentOfLife's picture

Yes, they are severely needy --

Although they will have you believe it's all YOU! All your fault, accuse you of doing everything they themselves are guilty of doing, they project everything onto YOU!! Leaving you to believe YOU are the needy one. But see, the truth is, YOU have been his beacon of light all along. I believe so much of what the N does must be based on insecurity, fear and of course control. Hence that's why they feed of of their "supply". Again, it is much easier to objectively consider these things while thinking of somebody else's situations -- that's why these boards are such a wonderful and important resource and support system for all of us. I've myself gone through it cyclically with my latest N of a little over two years, and tried to start NC, unsuccessfully, so i'm experiencing some of this first hand and recently i think now in the form of "hoovering"? I was put through (put myself through) some of the guilt yesterday. Our conversation went from where i am now and how i got here emotionally removed from our "drama", to how i am all to blame for it, to how according to him I am his "only true friend" -- teary eyed and all. Talk about a big guilt trip for me. So, see -- it is HIM who needs YOU, and therefore YES when he realized you are strong enough to walk away from the unhealthy situation, he WILL BE BACK to try to suck you back in. It's about the chase, the control. He wants you under his spell. He wants to own and possess YOUR light because he has none of his own. It is sad yet true.
Apr 8 - 10PM (Reply to #49)
Deidre40
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StudentofLife

This post...wow. Outstanding!! I need to print this out. Seriously. It just made such perfect sense.
Apr 3 - 2AM
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

Yep, the push me, pull me

Yep, the push me, pull me syndrome! Mine went and came back and went and back and back! The key is resisting there penetrating charms! They only want you when you appear to have something they want! When your stripped bare proverbially speaking they go again! It's a power play for them! Resist or pay the price! I spk from bitter experience! They may seems so genuine! But it's fake false and unbelievably ego weak tripping on there part! Narcs will keep coming back to take more of your energy so long as you give it! Until they either find another source or you say no!!! Xp
Apr 2 - 9PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

He'd have to LOVE suffering...

And not just LIKE it. I think that's why Ns/Ps fear relationships. Once you get close to them, you do KNOW their vulnerabilities. After the final D&D, I was inflicting purposeful Narc injuries on the ex-P.... and he was running from them. I was forcing closure onto him, FORCING him to face what he did... and what he found slightly off-putting was that I seemed to be relishing every minute of it. I was calling him out on his behavior;he couldn't win anymore. He'd have to face my taunts, my mockery of his cowardice, laughing at his stupid lies, his pretensions of being a philosophers... NOTHING would be sacred or off-limits. I'd treat his emotional boundaries as... non-existent. He always acted personally violated when his fellow colleagues called him by first name... and I've engaged in that blasphemy joyfully. I knew his paranoia, his insecurities, I'd prey on them. If his ego emerged barely alive, he'd be lucky. Once, the ex-P called me "the prostitute who inflicts enjoyable pain." It is one of the titles of the Tibetan Buddhist goddess Vajrayogini, invoked by those who've been traumatized. She's often called the Goddess of Trauma. She also represents the destruction of the ego.