Still think it's because I was twenty pounds overweight

your weight does not make who you are, dont ever think you are not beautiful in every sense, i have been heavy i have been anorexic thin, it doesnt matter....if a man doesnt love you for you, then he is not for you........your post made me sad, as i am a very beautiful woman, not to toot my own horn, im 47 and dont look nearly even in my fourties, i wear a size 0 sometimes a 1, dont have an ounce of cottage cheese on my legs, and trust me, i dont work out, i dont exercise, i have blond hair, blue eyes, great teeth, and a smile that i get complimented on daily, and big juicy lips to boot, but i can barely even look in the mirror at myself, as my husband left me for a 30 year old, whos lucky if she can fit into a size 14 at best, looks far older than me, has horrible teeth, horrible hair, knocked knees, thighs the size of my bed and an ass as big as they come, and cankles too boot, huge barbara streisand nose, squinty eyes, spread so far apart she has almost a down syndrom look to her, so TRUST me, looks, weight its the person, and never ever feel like your weight was the issue, women come in all shapes and sizes, your problem was you loved the wrong man, it wasnt anything to do with your weight, trust me, had my husband not destoyed my soul, i would still walk around like i owned the world, not that i was ever snotty, but i sure did love the way i looked........too bad my insides are so damaged, it doesnt matter how i look on the outside, same goes for you. your inside is damaged, stop focusing on your outside, YOU are BEAUTIFUL AND DESERVE BETTER....XOXO

They are right. The narcs don't really give a sh*t. I was about 140 when I met him. I'm a voluptuous woman with blonde hair and wear retro dresses and heels all the time. Not a week goes by that someone doesn't compare me to Marilyn Monroe--same hair and everything. I slowly started putting on weight with the narc. I would ask him if I was getting too fat (I mean, up to 160 on a 5'4" frame, come on) and he'd say, "No, you're perfect." He would force me to eat when I was dieting. Force me to drink alcohol when I gave it up. Forced me to smoke. I would ask all the time, Shouldn't I lose weight? or tell him I'd started running or something to be healthier and he'd say, "Don't run. Don't exercise. You're too skinny. Eat more." I think there was a mixuture of wanting me to be unattractive so that I wouldn't leave him and then just not caring: wanting someone to smoke and drink with without caring about my health or my ki having a healthy mother. When I talked to one of the other women, I found out she was 5 feet tall and weighed 90 pounds. A marathon runner, literally. I think I was his voluptuous smoking and drinking girl, probably reminiscent of the women his mom brought around when he was a kid in the earlly '60s. The marathon girl was his healthy girl. He didn't need me to be healthy. He needed me to be decadent. What *I* needed didn't matter. The one that came to my door in the middle of the nght was six feet tall and had a body like a boy. The one he's been seeing for twenty years is F-A-T and dumpy. He loves her the most. It has nothing to do with looks. It has to do with TOLERANCE of the bullshit and insanity. I'm sure you are beautiful or he wouldn't have wanted you. The double chin and extra pounds: I'm telling you they are from stress. I have lost ten pounds since he stopped talking to me for good.

The n/p Husband (soon to be divorced) I was with always wanted me to dress down, be conservative. But when he met me i was a career woman and always dressed up . Make-up etc. Men always flirted. By the time he got through with me I was not myself at all. (and I still looked younger than him). He hated that people always said how young I looked. they never said that to him. I will be 48 in a few months God-willing and people just don't believe it when i tell them. He told me that I gave him an eating disorder (he's fat and greedy) But I cook all healthy foods and I am not fat. LOL I am just understanding that he is jealous of me and he hate me for keeping myself together. They will b with anyone for their own reasons, What they can get out of someone. And they will leave anyone once they get finished with them. The stbxnh/p had a 26 year old good looking mistress after I put him out and it only lasted 5 months. They are sick and always show who they really are sooner or later. i pray that his next victim get out alive and i really mean it! I pray all of us on this board will find peace and indifference. {{{HUGGS}}}

The ex-Psych prof was obsessed with MY weight. When we had lunch together, he'd say "all you do is eat." He'd warn me that I'd get diabetic like his father (his father is diabetic) He was always critiquing my food. He couldn't stand womanly curves. He liked it that I was tomboyish. I felt for his girlfriend when I read that he got her pregnant with twins... because she was more butch than I. For her to go from being slim&androgynous to being quite expectant... well, either she was a Narc like him or she suffered like the rest of us,and even more so. The ex-P was so fixated on women's weight... yet he got fatter over the course of 4 years. By the final D&D, he had more than love handles. He had a belly. It wasn't attractive.

When someone loves you, they don't care about a few pounds. I am model slim and considered good looking (was an athlete and was very confident of my body) and he is now with someone stockier than me (but younger). They have no character or loyalty - they can go from one to the next. Pretty, ugly, fat or thin - they do what is most convenient and best for themselves. No concern for the damage left behind. Great that you are losing unwanted pounds but just do it for yourself and know that if he loved you for real, it would not matter. My self esteem is in the toilet too (can't handle the thought of even kissing) but learning about this disorder really helps me believe it was not a total personal rejection of my womanhood...

I can't stop blaming myself for his behavior and his D and D. You said you have thirty years experience with narcissists and you have been in therapy most of your life. I am not sure what the therapists have been able to convince you of. The same way you do not doubt 2+2 =4 is the same way you need to wrap your head around the disorder...period. It is not conclusive what casues narcissim, a few theories... 1. A defense mechanism that developed in childhood due to extreme abuse AND IF YOU CAN'T SHAKE YOUR STUFF, YOUR OUT OF YOUR MIND IF YOU THINK YOU CAN HELP HIM WITH HIS... 2. Over doting parents who told these disordered individuals they had extreme rights to anything and everything and therefore, the develop and excessive sense of self, arrogance and lack of empathy YOU WEREN'T THERE SO I CAN'T SEE HOW YOU TIE YOURSELF AS THE CAUSE IN THIS POSSIBLE SCENARIO 3. A brain abnomality either from trauma or again, changes due to trauma or abuse or they were dropped on their heads and sustained an injury. SEE ABOVE and there are a ton of other theories that are believed to contribute to narcissism. Nonetheless, I have yet to find and I do a lot of reserch ANYTHING that says an intimate partner could cause one to become a narcissist. AND I'M SURE YOU COULD ADD TO THIS LIST... I was at the Gap today buying some jeans after dropping six sizes (yeah I was BIG after the birth of my last son) and those threeway mirrors showed that double chin and I thought "OMG - and I was ten pounds HEAVIER when I saw him in the Fall - he must have REALLY thought I was a chub!". PATIENCE GOAL, HE DIDN'T SEE YOU AT ALL...SKINNY, FAT, VICTORIA'S SECRET MODEL...HE DID NOT SEE YOU AT ALL...HE WAS FOCUSED ON HIS REFLECTION...YOU WERE A TOOL - THIS IS BECAUSE HE IS DISORDERED AND CANNOT ATTACH. So the self-blame started and I really, really do believe it. I DON'T KNOW HOW ELSE TO GET THIS OUT OF YOUR MIND...ONLY YOU CAN DO THAT. ARE YOU WILLING TO LET GO OF THE SCRIPT? I believe that he could not get an attractive woman to sleep with him because of his legal issues and so he picked on the fat insecure one, like he'll screw anything kind of feeling, and I was the "anything". And that's why he left - must have found someone thinner. NO, HE JUST FOUND SOMEONE - ANYONE TO TAKE THE BAIT. IT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH LOOKS...THEY CAN SNIFF OUT LOW SELF ESTEEM AND OTHER 'VULNERABILITIES' A MILE A WAY...YOU DO HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM AND YOU ARE VULNERABLE...THAT IS WHAT MADE YOU A TARGET AND A VICTIM. I felt suicidal today could not stop feeling it's all my fault. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU THINK YOU CAUSED THIS DISORDER. He told me I was soooooo beautiful but he must have been lying when I look in the mirror. YOU NEED TO FEEL YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL...THE PROBLEM IS YOU ARE LOOKING OUTSIDE FOR YOUR VALIDATION - THIS IS ONE PLACE YOU NEED TO DO SOME WORK ON...OUR VALIDATION, SELF ESTEEM, SECURITY ALL OF THAT COMES FROM OURSELVES... http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2011/03/16/breaking-narcissist-no-easy-task http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2011/03/16/just-todayfor-newcomersand-whom-it-applies http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2011/03/05/dawn-flowers-blossombrian-sheppardinspirational-and-moving Hugs

Dear patiencegoal: Hang in there. I too thought the same thing when this first happened, I let myself go, didn't dress up enough, of course this is all because they say those things to us, "oh you look great without makeup"...etc. we believe it so we let our walls come down. I for one got a little lazy, but as a lesson learned I won't get so routine the next time around, but a functional guy loves you no matter what you look like, tired, etc. Trust me in a few years you will be laughing about this and saying I can't believe I cared about him or cared about what he thought. Like these ladies say on the page it doesn't matter, even a cover model would get the D&D. You need to stay strong for your child, you need to think about all the people who love you, suicide is the coward's way out, and your not a coward, he is, your a fighter, and you will show him, confidence is the best revenge!! Now keep kicking butt!!!

What exactly did you do today besides star at the walls? YOu need to understand he has no feelings, You could have three green heads, all he cares about is himself, Brainwashing you is his game, his fuel, & His a f'n cheater,liar and user. Go and take care of yourself. Get angry. Idealk