After we begin to Understand it; Step 1, we learn what a Narcissist is and how their disorder has affected us over these months or years and we realize that: THEIR behaviors and actions were not our fault and we did nothing to cause this. We learn that they were damaged LONG before we came along and will continue to be damaged LONG after we are gone.
This brings us to STEP 2, GET IT OUT
Once the fog begins to lift and we realize what was done to us and what we allowed to be done to us, due to severe "brainwashing: these repressed feelings need to come out. Writing is a great outlet for the sadness, anger, unrealized dreams, cognitive dissonance, severe loss, and pain.
The following is a great example from a member of GETTING IT OUT so that she may eventually; LET IT GO........
This is from MOVINGFORWARDNOW:
"I am not even sure where to start so I am just going to write and see where this goes. I am a single mom of two wonderful, amazing boys. Yes, all moms say that, but I truly am. They are 10 and 13 and are incredible, smart, athletic, compassionate, wonderful boys and they are my life!
Our family has consisted of just us three for a long time. Their birth father got caught up in drugs and was abusive to us and is now away in prison. My children have had zero contact with him since my youngest was 1. They would not even recognize him if they ran into him out in public. We do fine as a family of three and I made sure that when I met my Narc I took it slow. I did not want to introduce my children to someone that they’d fall in love with and have their hearts broken.
I am very hurt still by my ex husband for what he did. Left me alone to raise and love these boys all by myself. I have been the sole provider and parent all along. I play both mom and dad and we all received counseling for many years. The boys have typical children dreams that a “real family” consists of a mom and a dad. Living together in a home filled with fun and love as well as discipline.
In comes Narc 5 years after the divorce. I took this slow. I allowed the boys to establish their own relationships with this man. I did not force him on them or vice versa. I allowed Narc to be involved as much or as little as he chose. Within time their relationship blossomed. They grew to love this man and I, even with the red flags, allowed this as I knew this was the dream the boys wanted.
Narc played the part beautifully in public. He was involved in their sports, their school, their activities, their homework, their friends, my family. They all grew to love the man he portrayed. I, though, experienced someone else in private. He belittled me, he threatened me, he controlled me, he made fun of me and abused me physically. He hit me many times. He pushed me. He yelled at me. He told he could kill me. He lied to me. He manipulated me into doing things against my morals and my better judgement. And yet, I stayed, I continued to play the game. I just wanted to be able to fulfill my kids dream to have a dad. The list is even longer but what he did is not the point of my writing today.
I lost myself in him, in our relationship. I believed I was crazy. I believed it was all my fault. I believed if I left I’d be taking away my children’s dream of having a dad. (and it kills me that I took away this dream or allowed the dream to play out for so long and then took it away) And today I am PISSED! I feel alone. I feel crazy. I feel lost. I feel abandoned. I am hurting and as awful as it is to think, to write here in black and white: I WANT THIS MAN TO FEEL PAIN. This is not who I am. This is not who I have ever been. I am a compassionate, loving, kind, thoughtful and giving person. To even have these thoughts of revenge is confusing to me. Who have I become?
I never felt such rage or anger or the need to seek revenge like this on their birth father. There was closure with him. I got to go to his sentencing. I got to give a victim impact statement. I got to tell him in front of the courts what he did to us and how it affected us. I got to be involved in the sentencing. With NARC I did not get any of that. I will never get any of that. I just am the joke, I am just the crazy, I am just the loose wheel, I am just the lost soul. It is not fair and that pisses me off.
I want him to suffer as we have. I want him to hurt. I want him to feel pain. I want him to acknowledge his unforgivable behavior. I want to win! I want to hear “I am sorry” I want it to just be over so I can move on as he has done so easily. Just shut the door on that part of my life, on our years together as if they didn’t exist. As if he didn’t and doesn’t exist. But my love for him (the man I thought he was) was real. My love was sincere. I gave my heart, my soul, my entire being.
Abuse is not a joke. Abuse is not alright. I am not some pawn in his crazy making game. But the truth is I was and that is killing me! He broke me, my spirit, my self-esteem, and my well being. Yes, someday karma may get him back but I want to be there to see it happen. If I could, I’d create the karma myself. I can’t and I won’t. That just brings me down to his level and I am not that! I am so angry at myself, maybe even more than my anger at him. Angry that I allowed the game to go on for so long, I was just a pawn and allowed it. Angry that I didn’t stand up for myself and mostly I DIDN’T STAND UP FOR MY KIDS! What does that say about me? Who the HELL have I become?
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest."