***** Greetings to all who land here. It was suggested that the following post I created in September of 2011 be made into a blog. The post was created after discussing the sex issue with a valued member who used to post quite a bit was helping another member who was struggling to understand the "sexual intensity" of the disordered experience. All sorts of lightbulbs clicked when the member offered her observations, and then even more lightbulbs clicked when I shared the observations with our lead moderator Goldie. It is my intention and hope that even more lightbulbs will click for members who read this. You can also access this entire blog and all of the numerous, numerous comments members have left on the 1-3 board. ********
Love (not) spinning, JUST GRINNING!
I'd like to share this observation written by Winter in response to a member who is struggling with feelings of sexual craving/addiction to her disordered one. Winter's response resonated with me. It was a lightbulb moment!
Following are also Goldie's observations, which I found so enlightening I just wanted to share.
This is long, but worth the read. It could change your mindset, your view of the so-called sexual 'intensity,' and maybe even notch up your recovery!
Here it is from Winter:
"Great sex doesn’t mean anything. Anything about “...2 people in love- deeply connecting”.
I believe INTENSITY is wrongly interpreted as INTIMACY. And intensity is the result of the incredible tension created by a narc. The tension, which came from our anxiety, emptiness, sadness triggered by his endless mindgames. Of course we want this tension to go away. The highs, the joy we feel during this “passionate” sex is not about intimacy or love. It is our enormous need to have our pain and tension to go away by him “showing ” us how much we are “loved”. I strongly believe that here is the source of our addiction. It is the “pain relief” and not “real joy”.
In this sex there is no place for normal/calm/human tenderness which does not create an addiction btw, but a warm feeling of love and the joy of being truly loved.
Here is Goldie's outstanding addition to those comments:
This is the crux Winter, and once the partner in a relationship with a PD "gets this" they are fully on the way to recovery and freedom from the addiction.
As long as YOU continue to tell yourself that this was the greatest sex and or connection that you ever had, frankly you are screwed.
These are the LIES which we tell ourselves which keep us BOUND to the disordered one and keep our addiction alive and kicking.
Winter, I also totally agree with: INTENSITY NOT NOT = INTIMACY!!!
Think of it this way: You are in love with, addicted to, a man who lies to you, cheats on you, talks down to you, and in general makes you unhappy. He has a PD which cannot allow him to LOVE in anyway that is EVER going to make you happy. He is selfish, self centered, manipulative, and aloof.
Every now and again he decides to use you and your body to relieve himself of his anger, fear, his general sense of disconnection from the world and people, and built up tensions. Seeing as he has so much of this inside of himself it feels intense.
You generally feel disconnected from him, unloved, unappreciated, unworthy, used, confused, insecure in the realationship, unsure of how he feels, and all the rest of it etc...
HE decides to throw you a bone and have SEX with you. SEX for the PD is the glue that binds. IT is the ONLY glue which binds because they bring NOTHING else to the table.
So here you have two people, neither one of them is on top of their game in this relationship. The PD because he is an empty hollow shell of a person, and you because you have become so damaged and needy in the relationship with the PD.
NOW enters the picture, the sexual encounter with the PD and the needy one. HE decides to throw you a bone called, SEX with you.
OF COURSE it is going to FEEL and APPEAR like a big thing because there is NOTHING else that you are receiving from this person, so in your mind, you put all your eggs in this basket and LIE to yourself, you say he must love me because the sex is so intense, I have never felt this way before, etc...
You become so starved for attention and normalacy that you FOOL yourself into believing that the SEX is some big thing, when in reality it is only a small portion of what makes a great realtionship with two people and with the disordered one it becomes EVERYTHING because this is ALL that you are getting. The contrast to being touched and paid attention to so strongly, is startling to your mind, body, and soul, that it ONLY APPEARS to be great.
HOW can it be so great if the rest of the relationship sucks. Thinking it is so great is how the mind of the addicted one in the relationship lies to themself as an excuse to keep the addiction going.
These are the lies that you tell yourself in order to justify going back to and missing the very thing, the PD, which is keeping you stuck and sick. YOUR drug is keeping you stuck. Thinking about the drug as anything short of poison is keeping you stuck. He is poison to you, the sex is poison to you, the obsessive thinking is the unhealthy part of you, justifing and rationalizing and looking for an excuse to go back to your drug and stay stuck.
When you change your thinking about the sex and stop making it more important to you than the big picture of what he is and what you become when you are involved with him, this is when the obsession and need for him will begin to diminish.
The power lies in you, in your thoughts, your interpretations of what is real. Change your thinking and your life will also change.
He is not great sex, he is not the love of your life, he is a sick, lying, manipulative disordered one who uses your body to feel connected and release his tensions. Nothing more than that going on with a PD.
Together in Recovery,
*** I hope this flips a lightswitch for others, too.
(not) spinning. AND MORE CERTAIN NOT TO BECAUSE OF GREAT INSIGHT LIKE THIS!