My heart and my head and a rant

This is just a random rant..... I know I've been writing so much but I'm just writing my uncensored thoughts Why do I still care about him so much. I care if he's ok. I care if he's eating well or if he's anxious. I care if he is happy. I'm such a sucker. I don't know why I care. I shouldn't ...I miss him. I wish this whole thing didn't happen. I wish he was real and not a sociopath. :(.... It's so fucked. I wish he would leave me alone and never contact me again and I wish he would show up at my dads door with flowers all in the same breath. I hate this:(... my heart wishes that me him and And his daughter were sitting on the couch watching tv and my mind knows he's an asshole full of shit ......My heart wants me to bury my head in the sand but my mind knows too much .... I am still no contact.... This is painful. I'm doing all the work. Having a lot of hard moments. I will not give in. .... I want my heart to catch up with my head. I need to stay aware. I need to stay awake and stop thinking of things I precieved as good..... Aggggggggggggg. Ok thank you for listening to me vent.