Thinking

I've been thinking a lot the last few days. Thinking about why I stayed so long.
How I lied to myself for years. In my case I think It was easier to lie to myself than to admit I was replaceable, that the relationship was a joke. That I was disordered in a different way then he was.

Some thoughts

I can change him.
What made me think I was so special that I could change anyone except for myself?

He will get himself together eventually and see what is important.
Not going to happen ever. While family is important to me, it isn't to him. And why did I think he would have an awakening and see things from my perspective?
Happily ever after - fantasy.

I look back at how I used to think and I'm disgusted with me. And that's a good thing, because if I don't see my old sad thinking I would quite likely repeat history.

He used to be an obsession. I had to be the special one. Probably because I wasn't that special to anyone . So I felt I had to rewrite history and never admit defeat.

Today I know I am replaceable.
I can only change me.
I am going to let people down, saying yes all the time is not going to make anyone love me. It's there or it isn't .
When someone is driving me nuts I mentally turn them over to God. It isn't my job to change them or even make excuses for their behaviour.
And it isn't right to judge them. Walk away from situations and people that are sucking me dry.