Ada's Story

This is gonna be a long one but I have to get it all out!!

This book is the best, and I have read just about every article and book on Narcissistic Personality Disorder over the past few weeks, in the hopes I can understand what has happened in my 6-year relationship. I’m still not completely sure. My N is not physically abusive. He is educated and has held a job the entire time we have been together. I think he is more of a Cerebral Narcissist although he has Somatic traits too. They fluctuate.

We originally met online and were living on the same block, yet had never met before, which was such a strange coincidence. Our relationship started out wonderfully like most do. He lavished me with attention, made me feel like I had lucked out meeting this incredible man who was so smart and so much fun. I clearly remember him saying, “I can’t believe how lucky I am to have met you”. Everything about the beginning felt like “this is it, I’ve met the one”.

He has model looks, 6’3”, basically the whole shebang physically speaking. He knew “how I look”, as he said early on, but really put more value in his intellect and academia in general. In the first month he said that he normally wouldn’t date somebody who didn’t have an advanced degree but that I was so beautiful and creative he didn’t care.

Looking back there were a few things he said early on that made me go “huh?!” such as at about month 4 he said “I want to love you”, as if it were something he was desperately trying to do but was unable to do. In hindsight there were many f’ed up things that came out of his mouth that I overlooked, and quickly forgot with all of the “I love you’s” that followed.

I chalked up a lot of the weird things he did to the belief that he was romantically behind. He was raised in an ultra religious household where he was home schooled until high school! He hadn’t lost his virginity until grad school, only had a few previous girlfriends and could count his sexual partners on one hand. He told me he was asexual when we first met. Our sex life was awesome despite him claiming that he had no interest in sex. I had to lower my own high drive to make it work though.

Our honeymoon phase lasted a very long time (almost a year) yet I started to see a cycle forming where about every 3 months he would back off, get moody and start being really detached for a week or so. This is when I noticed him starting to check out other women more and more when we were out together. He would always deny it like I was making it up. I would get mad, he would act like I was making up something that didn’t happen and then I would second guess myself and drop it. Then we would be close again. Again and again. The thing about the behavior is that it was so slight, these little things, that it seemed like they weren’t such a big deal in the big picture of our relationship. I let a lot of things go that bothered me because those things occupied about 20% of us and the other 80% was awesome.

I’m a pretty independent woman and so for the first year and a half we saw each other a few days a week but I always kept my life in tact and my distance. At that point my N was looking for a better job here in Chicago and was having a difficult time. He was absolutely depressed. I am from NYC and we decided to move there together for a great job offer he had on Wall Street. Once we were living together that is when the full on Narcissistic behavior was unable to be missed. He started his job right away and I was having a hard time finding one. He didn’t want to help me or be supportive other than saying “I really hope you find a job”. I spent a lot of time at home by myself during the beginning before I did find a job and he was less than understanding. I really worked my butt off during that time to get it together despite my financial setback and to keep the relationship good.

The main things he started with once living together were- He started to just blatantly ignore me when I would ask him a question. He would get quiet like he was thinking of a response but then just wouldn’t answer me. At all. He would go thru stages where he would distance himself from me and hardly talk to me. I never knew what to expect when he walked in the door. This slowly began a cycle starting with us being great. Then he would get moody and detached. He would then start going out with friends from work a lot more. Then he would start to distance himself by sleeping on the couch every night. He claimed he slept on the couch because he couldn’t sleep in a bed with someone else very soundly after doing so for almost a year. And acting like he couldn’t be bothered with me. He would sit up for hours on the computer but wouldn’t want to spend any time with me and if we did do something he acted like it was a chore. During this part of the cycle he would only get close to me again if he wanted sex although he was generally okay to not have sex with me for a week (or two) at a time and just do his own thing if you know what I mean. Then he would find some crazy reason to break up with me.

When the first “break up” threat happened it shocked me and I begged him not to give up on us. The few “break up’s” after that I would back off, agree to the breakup, play hard to get and he would start being nice again. Being sweet, going out together a lot more, etc. I think over our time in NY he broke up with me 5 or 6 times in a three year span. We tried going to a therapist after the second breakup but it changed absolutely nothing. Another thing to note is when we “broke up” was the only time he was open and would communicate with me because we were already “broken up”. Never when we were “together” would he have an adult conversation about how he felt. Ever.

During this time I also became a full on detective. I learned how to hack into his computer, phone, usb drives, etc. It started when I found his journal saying how I wasn’t good enough for him and how he wanted a woman who was independent. I was that before I packed everything I owned, left my Chicago life I loved and moved states away for his career. I began looking at email history searches and boy did I find so much. Lies, Lies, lies. He lied so much. He had a thing for some girl he was working with. Of course. He denied this adamantly until I had hard evidence. I could not understand this attraction because in my opinion she was so unattractive, homely even. He said that she always made a big deal out of every little thing he did and he liked the praise she gave him. At this point he also explained that she was just a fantasy thing in his head. That they would IM and that she was a pretend person and not the actual person. This is when I asked him if he had ever cheated on me and he admitted to meeting a girl while out, “only made out with her”, then went to lunch with her after to let her down. This girl was also very unattractive. Looks only mattered in long-term and boy did it matter that I always looked impeccable, but these girls could be total dogs and he didn’t care.

Once I found out he had done this cheating while I was having surgery (yeah where was he during that?) out of state, I was done. He did the whole thing where he said he would do anything to keep me. He told me everything about what he had done regarding other women, etc. The story about the girl at work being a fantasy really bothered me and was the first clue to finding out who he really was. This is the point where I started to end up at Narc sites from my searches about his behavior. It all started to add up and form a puzzle. I didn’t know what to do with this information so I decided to ask him about it. Of course he treated me like I was crazy for thinking that so I dropped it and stopped looking at the sites. He really made me feel stupid for thinking this was true.

During all of these years he refused to get engaged and me packing up over this news spurred him to propose to me even though up till then he always said he didn’t believe in marriage. It was so halfhearted. But of course I accepted the pathetic crumbs of his proposal under one condition- IF we moved back to Chicago. It just so happened his entire department was let go a few weeks later otherwise I am sure he would have never moved back with me.

His parent’s relationship was often to blame for his belief that “marriage is a sham”. His father who is a raging narcissist himself used to ruin every family event with “his moods” and negative behavior towards his mother. His mom is a super sweet woman who absolutely adores her baby boy and will do anything for him at any time. His father is a dean of a university and his mother was a professor before leaving to raise her children. Education and awards were the only way he got love from his dad. With his mom he could do no wrong.

Fast forward to 6 months later in Chicago. Of course the wedding never happened and it ended with the last discard. He broke off the engagement. I found “what happens to the other man in an affair” in his search among other gems. He blew it off saying he didn’t know why he was searching those things. He acted like I was crazy for coming to the conclusion that he may be cheating because he searched things about being a “home wrecker” and other affair related searches. He said that he just “searches weird things like everybody does” and that it really wasn’t anything beyond that. This reignited the previous cheating argument and he said that “he didn’t think his previous cheating was a big deal” and that I had too high of requirements for fidelity. He basically said he would never tell me what he told me before if it happened again. That admitting to cheating was a mistake he made with me. I had to suck it up and love him as he was. Can you say “NO TRUST”? I pathetically still tried to keep him. He had moved out anyways and he moved back into his apartment building he had when we first met. So we were living a block from each other, in the same places where we started out at.

My N always had a big issue with money in general and the amount of money I made. I am by no means perfect and am especially bad at saving money, as well as don’t make a lot. He was so cheap even though he has always made a high salary and would always let other people pick up the tab or we had to split the bill if it was just us. I had one job that paid a good salary and while I had that job was the only time he tried to put on a good front. While I was in school and we agreed he would pay more of the rent during that year he was so mad about it. Once he moved out he let his little sister move in with him “rent free” for almost a year now and says its different than us living together. (Sigh)

I went No Contact for about 6 weeks before we started talking again. We had a wonderful dog we adopted together so we still had to communicate for dog walking, etc. He got his foot back in the door and I let him back although I now felt demoted. Now he not only broke off our engagement and was living on his own, he could see me whenever he wanted. I went from being his fiancé who lived together, to his ex who he hung out with and had sex with like twice a week. During this time I became a super angry person but couldn’t let him go still. I started to have really bad feeling towards all men and any perceived misogyny in society.

Then our dog died. This was 3 months ago. The day my baby died the N was on his way to Iceland for a vacation with his mom and sister. He was only at the airport here waiting to board his flight when he got the news. I begged him to not go on the trip and come comfort me. He said “What’s the point now? There’s nothing we can do” and went to Iceland instead. When he came back he expected me to be there for him and make him feel better like that week never happened. This is when the tide turned.

I still hung out with him and continued to have a sexual relationship for those few months. Even though he is more cerebral we had a really amazing sex life especially in the past two years. He had some ‘weird’ in that regard with cross-dressing but it was kind of fun and wasn’t ever an issue for me. Something about these past three months has made him treat me worse than ever before. He got me where he wanted me. No compliments. Nothing loving. Just hanging out when he wanted to. A lot of hot one day cold the next. He sucked me back in only to treat me colder than ever before. It was all happening on a weekly basis rather than a monthly or every few month cycle. I basically have been settling for the tiniest specks of crumbs.

During this 3-4 month period his lies have gotten more obvious. He says that his phone isn’t working every time he wants to explain not answering my call or text. But when I’m with him it is always working. I unfortunately have a clear view of his window from my apartment. Last week I called him and he sent me to voicemail. Then I sent him a text, which he didn’t answer for hours. I looked out the window and his lights were off this entire time. Around 10pm he texted me back saying he had been having “issues” with his phone, and his lights were now on. What actually happened is that he came home from wherever he was and then responded. It was such an obvious lie. He lies even when there is no reason, which kills all trust.

I finally hit my limit and ended it several days ago and I am proud of myself for doing this. And in all honesty I felt another discard coming and I beat him to it. I’m sure he never thought I would leave him. Everybody has his or her breaking point.

When I read about the narcissistic injury backlash (when someone breaks up with a narcissist) I thought he would never do anything crazy. I figured he would more than likely just ignore me unless he decides to try to get me to come back. When I broke up with him I asked that he not hang out with my roomates new boyfriend who he became friendly with very recently (in last few weeks) while hanging out as couples. Well 7 days ago he proved me wrong and showed up at my house (walked right in actually) with my best friends boyfriend in tow and threw my house keys, saying “here are you keys, I don’t want them”, then turned around and walked out. When he did this he woke me from sleep so I immediately jumped up and followed him out the door where he absolutely ignored me and wouldn’t respond to me asking what was going on. WTF?! So unexpected and all for show to one-up me. He actually has two sets of keys so it was all an act to humiliate me. It didn’t work and only made me feel stronger about my decision to leave for good. Two days later he sent me texts saying that what he did was “out of character” and that he was “in a daze” and that the situation “felt like an out of body experience”. I completely ignored him.

Next day he sent “you’ll always have a place in my heart” crap via text. I still ignored him until two days ago when I absolutely had to email him regarding financial business we have to finish. He replied with the info. I then told him he could come by to pick up his things and drop off bank cards and that I would be out all evening.

So he wrote another email saying:
“I’m sorry about the other night. That was extreme and unnecessary. There was no reason for me not to be civil about it. I will definitely have to pay a karmic penance for it.
I want to go in peace. I want the best for you. I want to remember the good times. I want to be conscious of your impact on my life.
It is time for us to move on. We impacted each other's lives in a very meaningful way. You have observed that the connections we've had together have one by one gone away. I'm sad right now thinking about that sentence. But it is true. In the future I want to be able to look back and cherish those connections. We were great lovers. I don't want to view our relationship as a failure because it didn't last forever. I hope you can understand my perspective and take something positive from it.
You will always have a place in my heart.”

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The email did seem almost normal though which has me feeling confused. I’m not sure what his angle is.

Delete. Ignore. No More!

My big ah-ha’s in hindsight of our entire relationship are:

-His hot and cold.
-The many breakups.
-Robotic. He said he was very similar to Dexter in the way he felt void of emotion.
-The silences.
-Lies and lots of em
-The fact that all of his friends were females. When he came clean about his cheating (that he didn’t consider cheating) he also told me that he had been romantically involved with two of his close ‘friends” years before, and this was after years of thinking they were only ever platonic friends.
-The fact that he believed he is smarter than most everyone and is in upper class of intellectuals in life.
_He was so overly confident always. For 6 years!!
-Felt the rules didn’t apply to him.
-Hated authority. His favorite saying was “Fuck the police”.
-And the big one is that he had absolutely zero empathy for others. Nada. *Pay attention to that one.
-Masturbated to pictures of old friends/girlfriends or celebrities but not porn women.
-Excusing behavior because he said it was a fantasy but not real.
-He broke down at one point and said he wished he was the person he pretended to be.
- One of the things that I initially felt about him was that there was something very different about him than anybody I had ever known; yet I couldn’t put my finger on what it was.
-Tom & Jerry is his favorite cartoon. He loves the cat and mouse chase that I can’t stand to watch.
-May be unrelated but nothing startles him or causes him to loose his cool.

Just because your N doesn’t beat you or live off you financially doesn’t mean you’re not dealing with the same thing. People are different and generally lean to one (emotional or physical) abuse although sometimes both. It is so slight that it all adds up to abuse but it’s not always in your face. That’s how they slowly break us down. We would run if it were over the top all at once. I have started to fully trust my instincts.

I would like to add this to the mix. I have made my fair share of mistakes. I have done insensitive things, looked in his personal items (phone/computer/journal) and have regrets in this relationship. No relationship issues are entirely one mate’s fault alone. I own up to the fact that I clung to him and tried to keep him. I wanted the “old him” back. I desperately wanted him to love me the way I loved him. At some points I wouldn’t let him go, which could have saved myself from more pain. You live and you learn. And with all this in mind, I would have done many things differently had I known the rules we were playing by were so very different.