Hitting hard

I am having a pitculary bad day. I have been doing pretty good and had my first group session the other day and was feeling better. Last night I dreamed about him, all night. He occupied my mind for the entire 8 hours of my subconsious. I woke up feeling sad and it's been following me around all day. THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING, THIS IS REALITY. I fell in love with a narcissist, a textbook, someone who is disordered and most painful someone I loved very deeply who never loved me at all. Who continues to try to use me and treat me like an idiot. This has been my reality for what is now going on five years. I know I have made progress in the fact that I will not go back to him but still after all this time I care for him, I am hurt and wish everything was different. I don't know how long it takes before these feelings are gone but now that I am out of the fog I can see how negatively it has affected other aspects of my life and how it continues to do so. I feel as though I am somone who could have been something, now I feel like I am suffering from some kind of disorder myself. I am forgetful, clumsy, lazy, have a hard time articulating and find social situations increasingly diffucult. I say stupid things and do stupid things. It as though I am not in my body but laying in some dream world waitng to wake up from this nightmare while my body is fumbling around trying to act human without a soul a heart or a brain. I cant help but wonder if I will ever truly be whole again