Lsq's updated story

I posted my story 4 years and 29 weeks ago. At that time I was trying to be strong enough to leave the abuse of a man I had been involved with off and on for 24 years. I reread that story tonight in between packing boxes. I didn't leave that man. A year after I wrote my story he proposed. We were married in December 2010. I moved myself and two kids in with him. We slowly remodeled my former home and put it on the market. It finally sold in September of 2013. The plan had always been to then sell his home and buy something together. I was beyond in love and I was so happy for probably the first year...although it may have been less time than that.

The lowlights have included finding out he was alcoholic and had beer hidden everywhere in our home. The nights he was drunk and would smash my things, break the doors off the kitchen cupboards, smash the BBQ, kicked my car causing more than $3000 damage around all the sides. He shut my daughter's leg in a car door, threw something at my son. He made his kids and mine fearful and the police were at our home several nights. He stole my purse, destroyed my cell phone. I was sick and in the hospital and he abandoned me there for three days. I cried each night and the nurses asked if they could call someone, my husband maybe? I was sick, and humiliated. He punched holes in the walls of the house we were trying to sell countless times.

Finally I pressed charges in December 2012. He was charged with felony criminal mischief, and plead guilty to a lesser misdemeanor charge for the damage to my car. He begged forgiveness. He asked me to go to His first AA meeting with him, which I did. I forgave him, I supported him in his recovery. When he quit drinking the violence diminished. But he became even more distant and aloof. Affection the past year has been almost non existent.

The verbal degradation continued. The most memorable of these events was in January of this year. We were at my 7th grade stepsons basketball game. I dared to continue to discuss a topic he didn't want to discuss so he yelled "fuck you" in the middle of a gymnasium full of kids, parents, and teachers and stormed out. I was totally embarrassed and walked out as well. He continued to scream profanity, and called me names like psycho bitch as he stormed down the hall, flipping me off, and out the door. I collapsed against a locker crying. Most people stared although a few offered comfort including a teacher. He ended up coming back into the gym, we sat together watching the game in silence and hours later went out to dinner to celebrate my daughter's birthday. I got an email from the teacher who had comforted me the following week that simply said, "may you find peace" and I sat at my desk at work in tears.

This year my father battled prostrate cancer, my my son had a serious brain surgery and I was home with him for nearly 3 months, my mother had neck surgery, I was in the hospital at Christmas time (when he abandoned me there), and I had surgery march 11. I ended up with complications and had a catheter at home until March 28. Despite that, he still wanted me to pleasure him. Ironic as he hardly showed an interest in sex any other time.

3 days after I got the catheter out, April Fool's day, my first full day back at work, he came home. I was changing bedding, we were chatting about money, and he just stopped and said, "I don't want to be married to you anymore. My heart hit the floor. I was calm at first. He told me he had seen an attorney over a month ago. I cried, argued, begged, tried to make a case to stay together, I had invested everything in this relationship. He said, "you've given me a lot to think about, I thought I knew what I wanted, but now I'm not sure." He would hug me, kiss me, tell me he loved me. This continued for a few days and then I got angry. I said angry words, told him what I thought...he said, "this is why I can't be with you, you're too emotional".

He took his two children, leaving me and my two kids at home. Without so much as informing me, they left town for the weekend, staying in expensive hotel, eating out at fancy restaurants, clothes shopping, etc. I watched the money draining from joint account. So I started paying bills online as fast as I could...especially mine. We went through $2800 in less than 48 hours.

I filed for divorce on April 10, choosing not to wait for him to serve papers on me.

Since then he has tried to bait me into conversations and then recorded me on his phone. I have caught him outside our window taking photos of me with his phone, telling the kids he caught me ransacking his things...complete nonsense. He has called me horrendous names. He threatened to make up false allegations of abuse to have me kicked out of the house (as it's his house). He went to his attorney who told him he couldn't do that as no abuse has occurred. The following night he sent his children to their mother's home stating "she's dangerous". He moved into his sons room, leaving me our bedroom, but decided to disconnect the baseboard heating in the room and it was 35 degrees outside by morning. My attorney had to call his attorney who made him turn it back on. I quit talking completely that day. I haven't uttered so much as a syllable to him in four days. He sleeps in his sons room, and slides a chair up against the door in case I try to come in and lust after him I guess, lol. Ick!

I started packing today. I live in a small Midwest community and housing options are few. My kids and I will be moving into a 2 bedroom apartment, leaving behind a five bedroom house. Most of my stuff was sold or given away when I moved in with him when we married as who needs two freezers, two lawn mowers, two microwaves, etc. I'm moving to a crappy apartment and literally having to start over at 48.

I alternate between disbelief, anger, and utter sorrow. I would have stuck by him through anything, I did for goodness sake. But now I'm no longer wanted. My head knows this is a good thing, my heart isn't there yet.

Reading what I wrote four years ago on here tonight, made me really sad. A lot of those things I had forgotten about. I should have listened to my head back then and I'd still have a home, four years of my life and my kids life back, and my dignity.