The year of the horse, mine got whipped ;)

Hi everybody!

Sorry, it's been a while since my last post. When I wrote my last post I was still to doubtful in every single way and didn't want to influence anyone with it so I took some time 'off'.

Well, after going NC for about several times I was beyond stupid. Felt insane, totally. Ended up sleeping with the bastard after falling for the I love you's and getting the familiar cold shoulder afterwards...ofcourse. That's the bad part.
Fast forward: The good part is I reached the point where I completely and utterly had it! Which was 5 weeks ago. We had the 100th round (we broke up months and months ago for the record) of him claiming he loved me, needed time to get his life together (they must have one of those nice hour glasses filled with a ton of sand since I've been hearing that for years!), if he was to be with anyone it would be me, wanted to have kids all of a sudden, but needed time first yadayadayada. Followed by it hurt him as well. Guess it was one charade to many and I had it. I told him to screw himself, that I'd had it with his bs. That he could blame me for whatever and I couldn't care less. Which Always felt so unfair. Getting blamed for everything, for loving the bastard. This time I didn't care anymore. Fine, I'll be the 'bad' guy. Followed by deleting everyyyyything, including all social media. I didn't want to see, hear or even hear someone whisper something about him.

It's been a f-ing (sorry) long couple of years. I was Always petrified I couldn't live without him or thinking he'd change if I changed. Most of all I was scared of not being able to be alone. Honest to God, I felt SO relieved after that day. He still had the chance (before I deleted everything like a maniac ha ha) to respond to my outburst saying he was sorry about everything, and that he loved me. I was done. Can't believe I was ever going to say that, I WAS DONE! No more lies, no more cheating (which was somehow Always my fault), no more hurting me when I was already down. I choose me. Even that was something I've never ever done. I'm the pleaser. The one that "rescues". A lover not a fighter. Always willing to talk things out. Listen. Be there. Haven't heard from him since. Maybe he'll try by showing up like nothing happened someday, but the door is shut! I feel so empowered that I wanted to share this with you. Maybe it helps someone to know that there's an end to this N hell. It took me a long time. I've made a lot of mistakes in the process, but the feeling of freedom from this is a blessing.

Something 'clicked'. I have, and know I'll have, moments where I 'feel sorry' for him cause the way I ended it was out of the blue (well not really, but I haven't and won't be crawling back like I just to), and it's not in my nature to be so cruel to another human being. Then again, that goes both ways. It's not natural for them to do the crap they do to us either!

I know now that I was the only one who could end this. Also that the feeling of being 'so' attached to a mentally ill person had more to do with me than with him. Still am insecure, but I know for sure he would've only made that worse as he already did. He has done this to everyone before me, and will probably be even worse for the ones after me seeing as he never learns anything and it's never his fault. He is and will be an a mentally sick and twisted abuser. Maybe it's not a good thing, but I'll never forgive him for what he's done. I won't acknowledge his existence. I do see the lesson in this for me. The only way is up after experiencing something like this.

Thank you all for your wise and loving words! This forum is truly amazing. Knowledge and sharing experiences gives a person so much strength. xx