Another therapy session today

I saw my counselor again today-despite my son being sick. My ex husband watched him while I went-thankfully he knows I need some clarity through all of this.

I told her my week was up and down, and the exercises she gave me to do were beneficial in decreasing my anxiety and helping me focus. She was happy I tried them all and said to continue doing them.
I told her I had not contacted him since last Sunday, and she asked if he had attempted contact. I let her know he hadn't and I let her know that while I didn't contact him, I had wanted to on more than one occasion, and my reasons for wanting to do it (I'll get back to this in a bit).

She acknowledged my desire to know why I keep attracting this type of man/behavior and started asking questions about previous relationships/dating/sex. She gathered my ex H was my first serious relationship, and then went on to marry him which is true.

Then came the questions about my relationship with my parents. I thought I had healed from the past when mom died and when Aunt K apologized-wrong wrong wrong. I was crying as if it was still going on.

When I was 11, I was expected to bring my cousin who was the same age along to everything I went to-to ensure she was included. This was how it was up to this point so I was always having to ensure she was included otherwise I wouldn't go. At this age, it was obvious we were different kids with different interests. I was outgoing and had a lot of friends, she was more shy/introverted. But I was still expected to make sure she was included. I don't recall the specific event but I was invited and she wasn't and I decided to go anyway. And this is where the abuse started. Because she was left out and I was in the 'popular crowd' I paid for it until my mom died in 2010. So for 20+ years my aunt made me suffer-she outwardly cut me down. Gave my siblings birthday cards, hugged them every holiday, acknowledged their accomplishments, attended their college graduations. Never was given any of that form her-she made a point to make me feel neglected every time she could. We lived in the same town so we saw them all the time. This went on for 20 years. My mother never was strong enough to stand up for me and say-Stop treating my daughter like shit! Not once. And I cried so many times. I just wanted her to chose me as her daughter over her sister. But she never did. And I was a good kid-never did drugs or drank, was captain of cheerleading squad, didn't have sex until I was almost 20. Hadn't been arrested, went to college. I was a good kid.

Previous therapy sessions (before now) showed me I was halted at a developmental age for coping mechanisms, and in return I found comfort in controlling my food. I spent many years as a bulimic/anorexic because it provided me with comfort and security that I lacked in my relationship with my mother. I can say honestly now-since the birth of my kids I have not engaged in that behavior. I will not allow my kids to see that as being an option to dealing with life. So I've been clean/sober with any behaviors associated with that coping mechanism. I NEVER want my daughter to struggle the way I have for so many years.

I can't comprehend how a parent allows their child to be treated that way for so many years, and pretend it isn't happening. Even after I had conversations with her and she would say "what do you want me to do?" And I would say" Just pick me! Please! I'm your flesh and blood-I'm not a bad kid. I just want you to pick me!" She never did. And I always tried to be the best to get her to just pick me to stop the torment her sister kept doing to me.

The counselor told me that part of my inner child/self was never allowed to grow and was halted and continuously abused by what happened between my aunt and me. She said that it was not my fault, that I was blamed and abused for something that was wrong with my aunt's inability to provide Megan with the appropriate life skills. And at the age of 11-13 kids aren't supposed to be the person to do that which is why it was not fair to put that responsibility on me, and it was K's responsibility.
The fact that it continued until my mom passed away is why I have these poor coping mechanisms (previous eating disorders). All I wanted the entire time this was going on was for my mom to stand up for me and chose me as her daughter. I never got that-in fact it was painfully obvious I wasn't chosen over my aunt. And the shit kept happening and happening. I tried to be the best at everything yet it never was good enough for my mom to take my side all those years. God-I am crying just typing this. As a parent now-I would NEVER allow my kids to be treated that way by anyone-especially my own family member. I don't know how my aunt slept at night doing that to me.And I don't know how my mom could ignore it and let me suffer in that torment for all those years. When I was old enough I had friends call my cell phone so I could leave holidays because it was so awful. It was so outwardly obvious but no one ever tried to help me-not even my mom who was my best friend.

All of those events have led me to seek acceptance and be chosen by men who can see my desire to be loved in a way I wasn't before. It keeps happening because I haven't dealt with the pain of everything and keep it buried away. She asked if I ever yelled at Aunt K-I told her hell no. I would have gotten my ass beat. But when mom died she did apologize and I forgave her. To which she said-forgiving her doesn't help you-it helps her. You never got a reason for the way you were treated. And it was abuse, and it was wrong. And it has since manifested into your relationships and the way you cope.

She had me make a list of the 5 most important things in my life(part of my hw last week). I said kids, friends, family, career, and ability to feel emotions like laughter. She liked my list but asked me if I had been on an airplane in my life and I said yes. She asked me what the flight attendants say if there is a drop in cabin pressure and I said put on the mask. And she asked me the order in which we're supposed to do it-self first, then others. She said it's obvious I don't love me and it's because of the abuse when I was younger when I needed the validation and love from my mom and I never got it the way I was supposed to have it. Which is why I seek it in (what seems like) any man that will give it to me. How pathetic is that.

At one point when we were talking about my aunt and I said I forgave her because it was better for me to release the anger, she looked at me and asked if I was always nice. LOL! I laughed at that and said NO. I'm not.

She wants me to keep doing my breathing and gave me a few more exercises to refocus myself. She said the doubting part of my brain that wonders if rich could be a good person is because of everything that happened in my past. But she knows I know the truth and I have a good intuition. And she feels I am a genuine, caring, loving person who really needs to start putting myself in the top 5 important things in my life.

Whew. That was alot. Sorry-I just wanted to share. I am trying to keep everything open and share so I keep up with this-I know I need it. And even through all the tears I've cried today they have been therapeutic (if that makes any sense). I feel like I am getting a better grasp on me and will get the healthy necessary tools to put myself in my top 5 someday :)

Thank you to those who read this...I do feel like I am making progress even if it is slow :)

katenp87