My Story Hopeisdying

Hello Happy Christmas!

I am about 2 and a half months NC from when my ex dumped me. It has been very, very hard and I have been feeling suicidal and crying a lot, lost over a stone and just feel lost and pointless etc.

We met about 6 months after my brother passed away from cancer and after meeting him briefly at a party I went to sleep in a bed at the house because I was tired and I woke up to him hugging me and trying to get sexual, get a kiss. I said no but he pursued. That should have been enough for me to walk away but I was feeling really low and I decided to meet up with him because my friend said he was ok really.

We went out for a year. He was always jealous but it got so bad. Also I changed the way I dressed, stopped talking about any of my exes or interests he hated all because I thought he was thinking of what was best for me.

He would get into these "rages" and go on automatic pilot criticising me, I began to think he was bi polar because it was as if he had completely changed personality.

It got worse towards the end. We went away a few times and he was really horrible each night we were away the first time-each day saying he would not hurt me again but doing it again each night. He made me think I was heavily flawed and I had mental problems. Then would always say sorry the next day.

We went on holiday abroad too and there he treated me very passive agressively. Not even touching me for most of it and i was very worried because of this, thinking a rage was coming. When we got back he told me I ruined the holiday by being scared.

Then I got a job, one where I only went away for a few days every other week. He went silent on me for the first few days, eventually saying I was moaning too much. So I stopped moaning and then it was always something new to get angry at me for. Completely attacking my personality and he really didn't care if i cried by this point.He called me selfish for crying. He would threaten to break up with often throughout the relationship. He even did it once and then called the next day-this was after going out for about 2 months-saying he was scared and didn't think I liked him that much but then after I reacted very emotionally wanting me back.

The last week we were together I left his house in the middle of the night at the start of the week because we had just gotten into bed and he started to attack me again. I snapped. I couldn't go on. I had to leave. I had been travelling around the country and was ill too and could not take any more abuse so got a taxi home. He did not seem to care, he just stayed in bed saying mean things at me.

He called the next day and apologised and said he would maybe get counseling and would never hurt me again, he had been discussing everything with his friends and he loved me etc. He had also started uni this week (as a 33 year old man) and was very stressed about that. I talked to him all week, telling him he would be ok, he was quite needy and very worried. Saying he didn't know if he should be on the course. Then the day before we were to meet I asked if I would have to get another taxi home (something I had already asked a few days before and he assured me I wouldn't and he would pay for the taxi) this time he went very cold and said I didn't have to get a taxi and asked why I would say such a thing? It wasn't his fault I got the taxi. Then the next day we met up in public and he went through all my flaws and dumped me. I was very sad. I cried on the pavement on the street and then went back and just watched him from afar, not able to leave.

Eventually i did and then he called me asking how I was and also texted my mum and my friend to call me. I shouted at him on the phone and some heated texts were exchanged. Me saying I loved him etc and him saying he cared about me but the relationship wasn't good....I just couldn't and can't understand the sudden change of emotion from his side. He was always so into me and now he's just left me and it's been 2 and a half months.

He has not had many relationships with other women before. There was a girlfriend he met online that he was with for about a year too 8 months before me. Then there is another girl he went out with about ten years before that for 4 years, that's it. He is not good at meeting women and I thought he was happy with me. I guess his insecurities just took him over or something?

I spoke to him a few days after the break up asking if he was sure and he said yes. He cruelly mentioned I had my job and i would meet another man. I said i would not do the job then. He went quiet for a moment but then laughed and said "yes you would".My friend got my stuff from him and he texted me after saying there was more stuff for me to collect-stuff I had already said I didn't want as they were gifts....so I stopped responding and other than a text from his flatmate (who is also abusive) asking how I am (suspiciously maybe from the ex) I haven't heard anything.

I am in pain all the time. I know I am better off but he was my best friend and we were very very close. I often wonder if he will contact me one day. It feels so wrong to have him drop off the face of the earth like this.

I think he could be BDP but there are elements of N. He liked to be treated like a king. Even though he also would have moments of low confidence. It is strange how he left me after we were so close on the phone that week. He was very vulnerable. I am certain he did it just to lash out at me because he was feeling insecure.

Will he come back one day? I know I should not care. I really do! But I loved him so much.