Trixie's Story - the end of a long road.

Hi. I'm new!

I realized that I really needed to find a place to talk about the Narc stuff, as I don't have anyone close that I could really share with (my 2 best pals are his adult daughters.)

Here is my long story. He and I met over 10 years ago, online (though we apparently had mutual friends.) Our romance was a whirlwind, and so remarkable that we were asked to share our story by the online dating site, appearing in the New York Times, and a very popular woman's magazine. People would use us as an example of the perfect relationship. He swept me off my feet, and we were married within a year.

The first 3-4 years were very happy, almost giddy. But then he started excluding me from things. He started spending more time on the computer, etc., away from me while I raised his daughters. Then his inability to hold a job because of his Narc ways, surfaced, and he went through 8 jobs 7 years. He always thinks he knows better than the bosses, and gossips and complains about them to other workers and gets fired. The sad thing is that he is actually very good at what he does, and if he could have not acted like he knew everything, etc., he'd have a great career.

So with each job loss, I'd say "It's okay, we'll get through this" and I'd magically make everything work with money, etc. I took it upon myself. If I tried to talk about money problems he'd "feel sick" so I'd stop talking out of guilt. If I dared say to him "I wonder if you shouldn't be talking about your bosses behind their back..." or "so, are you going to get out and visit those clients today?" (while he was home playing video games instead,) I would be met with "you have NO FAITH IN ME!" "trust me!" Even if I spent an hour trying to figure out a way to say something to him that was constructive, it was met with silence, or admonishments that I was "not supportive!"

And with each job loss or demotion, I'd swear I'd leave, but I didn't. See the thing with a Narc that is not outwardly abusive, you're slowly driven mad. Well, actually you slowly lose your inner fire, you lose your confidence, and it gets harder to leave.

When I create art pieces they're "cute" or he says "you're weird." When I'm around his daughters, he is openly mocking me, and putting me down. None of us can figure out why he does that? But both the girls noticed and mentioned it to me, too.

His favorite thing to say, when he's done something nice for me, is "did you tell your mother what a great thing I did for you?" and "I treat you really well... do your friends know that?" And tells me that no one else could put up with my "quirkiness." He always tells me that I'm weak, and that I'm fragile, and he worries about me. He freaks out if I cut a vegetable, he won't look and says I'm going to hurt myself. The message is that I am weak, and that he's a saint to be with me.

There are so many other instances. He's a performer, and often talks about friends who "worship" him. Again, he's super talented, but he keeps getting asked to leave bands or he quits, because he disagrees with the head of the band, and talks smack about them behind their back about he can do better.

I'm fortunate that he is never outwardly mean, or raging. But he's trained me to never ever express anger or frustration toward him. If I say anything that even hints at dissatisfaction, he becomes angry and says over and over "take that back!!" Until I finally relent because it's easier. He freaks out if I tell him what to do. I mean, if I say "oh, fill the dog's water up, will you?" He says "You KNOW that no one tells me what to do. If you ask nicely, I MIGHT do it." One time we were stuck in traffic and he was upset and refused to budge. So I said "there's an opening right there to turn around." and he refused. So I did raise my voice and say "Just turn around!" And he flipped out, turned the car so fast we almost rolled over, drove onto the freeway at a high rate of speed screaming that "NO ONE yells at me!!!" It was scary.

It's funny, now that I write it all out, I'm like "duh, Trixie, he's a total narcissist." He loves our dogs so much, treats them well, but cannot handle if they don't come when called. He hates that, apparently. He won't be mean to them, but he'll just walk away and go into the house and tell me to get them.

He has some great qualities, and has a caretaker personality in a lot of ways (which seems to belie the Narc thing) but there are degrees of narcissism. And also people's motivation for caring comes from different places. He's a bit of a passive aggressive in that sense, with me. He volunteers to do things that are caretaking, but I later found out through emails to his ex girlfriend, that he resented it and felt his needs weren't being met. Which is another story altogether.

He and I broke up and have been divorced, but stuck living together for the past few years, because of the money/job issues. I am leaving the State in a few weeks. Alone. I am going to be winging it, with not enough money.. but I have to go, lest I lose what's left of me. (He also took up with a woman recently, and though we agreed not to get involved while we had to live together, they're sending 100s of texts each day.) So he's pretty much discarded me and our friendship that we built after the divorce.

I know that it is going to be really hard, and painful, for a while. And extremely scary to be on my own after being groomed to believe that I was so helpless and frail. I'm quite terrified. But I suppose I should be grateful that he's found a new supply, so I can be free of him. It's that abrupt discarding that is hard to deal with.

That's my very long story. Thank you for reading.