Brit's story

Here it is (long, lengthy story of an N in my life). The N had a way about him. He shone, that's the only way I can describe it. I looked over at him and my heart did a cart wheel, he was 'it' for me. All roads had led me to him. He was kind, attentive, generous, appeared knowledgeable, grounded, everything I wanted. He had a mysterious quality about him, he cast a spell over me, why was he interested in me? Well he reminded me of my xh and something like my mother too. (I should have known then, both these influences in my life were not good, but it was only later I connect the dots). He seemed familiar to me, like no other had ever done, he was everything wrapped up in a beautiful package. I fell hard.

We had the usual teething troubles, I let it slide, don't all couples have this? We adjust to each other, we have small technicalities that need tweaking, it's normal. I see now that I did the tweaking on myself, not him, although he appeared to make certain ‘allowances’.

He had an ex partner still in the wings, together with a young child. He had a previous partner to that with two small boys. He was living in a rented room and went to ex's house quite often to babysit, giving her the chance to get out and have some fun (good guy apparently). The delusion he spun on me came to a head with her calling one day to ask me what I thought I was doing with her partner. He and I had just returned from a holiday and he had lied to her about it and us. I wanted out, I got out. End of it as far as I was concerned, he had a child and un- finished business with ex. I didn't and never have shared my man.

Fast forward two years, during which I would get the odd phone call connection. “ Oh, wanted to tell you this, wanted to let you know that”. I never quite forgot him, so it is no surprise that when he seeks me out at a place he knows I will be, especially to tell me that I am the love of his life and he has been in agony without me, trying to make good with ex, she is completely loony and making his life hell, I fall for the sweet words and promises and I get the man of my dreams.

And so it begins. I have pure love and fascination for this man of mystery. He is my man for all seasons, I am proud of him, he is my double, my equal, he can represent me anywhere.

We hit a few obstacles, but my love carries it along. He can do no wrong in my eyes, he likes this.This is great supply. Then the devaluing starts to kick in. He is constantly on the look out for misdemeanours, he is critical, he is judgmental, he is hyper sensitive to the mere suggestion that he is somehow less than perfect. What !! I never intended any hurt to him ever but somehow I never passed his tests. I made the wrong observations, I must have very bad intentions towards him, I have obviously cheated, I have lied, I can't be trusted, I deliberately set about to make him feel unworthy, I am rude to him, I flirt with other men, I am late on purpose, it goes on and on and on. He should come first always, I should make more time and effort. There is a whole charge sheet growing against me. I should have foreseen every whim, every mood shift. Every action I take has now in his opinion becomes something of a vendetta against him. My looks are wrong too, I don't make enough effort, I should phone him more, I phone too often. However whatever it is that I have done wrong remains unspoken, I am left guessing what it is I should have done or not done, said or not said. We go into silent treatment. I get acquainted with his ability to make me feel bad. I walk on eggshells waiting for the next episode . He throws out the odd bone to keep me hooked.

Eventually I start to shut down. I do nothing for fear of doing the wrong thing. I am frozen. Unsure of myself, doubting myself and my beliefs. I ask for nothing, expect nothing, my needs don't count. This of course is seen as negative. Well it is negative. I begin to wonder where I have gone. I question myself all the time. Am I really this evil witch that he tells me I am? No body else thinks this do they? Hell no. I'm not. I am insecure about my looks, he rubs it in, this hurts my self esteem, but I know I have a big heart. I know I loved him. I know I have showered him with love. I can do no more. I become melancholy, he starts finding other activities. I get put on the bottom of the list, everytime. “ Oh didn't I tell you I have booked to go golf for a week”? “ Oh I forgot to tell you I was away for the weekend”. He covers himself at first, with the ‘it's work’ line. Work is paramount, unquestionably do not interupt anything for work. Of course work is the cover he uses to go shopping without me (he knows I like to go). He goes to the gym (he knows I like to go) he goes everywhere and does anything he pleases, but it is allowed because it is done in the hours of work time. Ha. He used this same trick with ex to see me.

I know how devious he is, the mystery man is no mystery to me anymore. I see his covert passive aggressive behaviour. I suspect he treats me like an enemy but I do not know why. I start telling him. This makes it so much worse. He will not change. Why should he? He is perfect, he does nothing wrong, ever, nothing. How dare I question, how dare I accuse, how dare I point out that he is neglecting me, how dare I hint that he is less than perfect. He tells me, you are always having a dig at me, when all I do is try to get him to notice we need help. He doesn't remember or acknowledge that he was ever at fault. Everything is my fault. His memory is long with regard to my faults. He remembers that on such and such a date at something o’clock precisely I had the cheek to look at another man. This has nothing of course to do with any current issue or problem he might be causing me, it acts as a great deflector. The discussion escalates to an argument, resulting in me defending myself against his attack and apologising. I am lost.

I am in a mess, I no longer want to live, I care not about anything, I don’t want to get up from bed, no one will care. I have gone from the man that once sought out and paid for medical care for me to being left with raging tooth ache and being told to get on with it. I am tired; not allowed. I am looking for answers; seen as drama. I have given up trying to fix it. This is then interpreted as leaving him hanging out to dry, I do not even know what this means.

He has always been into tit for tat, push me/ pull me games. They start big time and we enter a phase of discard like no other. I have walked away on many occasions when we have disagreed. This is when I have been backed into a corner until I can no longer defend myself, I have thrown in the towel, but he has always got me to play again. He is not sorry, it is rather my stubbornness that allows things to get a little out of control. He goes for the discard, but cant quite manage to lose me entirely. He phones every day, turns nice then nasty again. Hot then cold. Disappears doing God know what, lying about where and when and with whom. He stops pretending to be the nice guy. He tells me what once were my strengths and qualities are now a barrier to our relationship. My independence is now not desirable, I should need him more, my ability to find solutions have now become pressure on him. My good ideas, once covertly borrowed are now just downright stolen. He becomes distant, I become distant, I watch him. He has copied me but now doesn’t bother. He has become himself and I look at him and don’t like what I see. He is cold, he lacks empathy, he has no humour unless at others’ misfortune. He is envious of anyone that appears to be more successful, richer, smarter, famous. These people do not show him in a good light, they make him appear inferior, I now realise that I made him feel inferior. He hated me, he hated my achievements, he hated my intelligence, my independence, my people skills, my warm heart, my good deeds, my attractiveness to others. He hated me. I start to treat him like for like (just like a narc), and he is gone faster than the speed of light.

I adopt victim mentality, I add to my own trauma. I will not let go. I will not give up. I still love him. I make all the mistakes of chasing him, drunken phone calls, showing indifference, showing love, shouting at him, screaming, crying, begging, anger (I could have quite happily pushed a knife in his back). Nothing worked. Nothing. I am reduced to nothing. I do not exist now. He has decided that I do not matter. I am put in a compartment in his head and forgotten. That’s it. I struggle with everything. I stay in a dressing gown for a week. I am confused, I am beaten, I have been left for dead. I have seen him discard others over the years, quickly and effortlessly when they have failed to be sycophantic enough. Now it is my turn. He tells me” You had my love, now you don’t”. “ I am allowed to live my life before my time runs out”. “ I became bored with your choice of activity”. I feel no guilt”. “ You want me to be a couple and I don’t want to be right now”. He says you were the love of my life and now you’re not. I miss my mother, I have a grand daughter that comes first. I don’t make you happy and he saves the best until last….you didn’t love me anyway !!!! In a nutshell I have wasted too much of his time.

It is enough. This man doesn’t give a damn about me. Not one tiny scrap of anything anymore. The pretense is gone. The true grisly evidence sits there infront of me. My life will never be the same again. My future is pulled like a rug from under me. I am petrified to face life without him. I am broken and scared to face the truth.

Here starts my journey to recovery, to find myself, to retrieve my soul. I’m doing it. I have a tiny seed of self love planted in me on the day I was born. I am now nurturing this seed and I am watching it grow. I am not a victim, I never will be. I have loved like no tomorrow. I have loved him too much. He never loved me, he couldn’t, not because I am unlovable like I was brainwashed to believe, but because he is incapable of real love. He does not love himself, he is a narcissist, therefore he believes no one can ever love him. He is doomed to search his whole life through for something missing in himself. I have it in spades and it belongs with me now and forever. I owe him nothing, he could have had it all once, but not now. I am destined to learn and recover.
Thank you for reading these facts, not the horrible details (I have left them out). I have known loss in my life, my father, my mother, my sweet dear son, but nothing prepares me for the strength I have to find now. The mods and members (Angels) here pick me up from dead. Thank you from my heart for your patience, guidance, love and understanding. My recovery and healing is in full swing because of you all and that is another story to be told later as it’s still in the making. It’s unbelievable how this happened to me but it’s a truly remarkable journey to overcome 15 years of such pain (oh yes, I was wonderful supply) and have the peace I have today.

Brit x

Thanks again for reading my story, I needed to put it out there !!