sue1117's story

please reply I'm having a brake down

I really need some support I'm finding all my decision s I've made through this brake up crippling. I cent carry on anymore and am riggled in guilt, anger, and I hate myself. This story is to long to write out, but I hope I get this out in short. I basically met a lovely man who we both fell in love with from the moment we met. I really do tthink he was and still is my soul mate. I love him so much and this is killing me. I feel like I've brought this on myself, with in 3 months of being together, he'd basically moved in. Without my say, but I was in love and went along with it, and didn't have the heart to tell him it was going to quick and fast. We was inseparable. He'd go every where with me even to work, when I workd on my own. He had deprecation, which u wouldn't of thought looking and talking to him. It only came out when I'd go out with my friends, which was only twice within the first months of being with him. The first time I went out he was crying when I got bk saying he couldn't cope with it. I didn't understand n was taken aback. But felt sorry for him. And try to understand his insecurity. And reasurd him I'd only been out. Any way few weeks later I went out again and he offered to watch my kids who are 9 twins, he said he'd be ok and that's what we are a couple for and that I should let him help with the kids. The kids and him got on great and I was only going down the road to a friends house so I agreed. I had a few 2 many when I got there I in space of only 2 hours. So I txt him to say I was coming home. Within 2 mins he turned up to the pub he'd dropped me off at before going to my Friends. When I got in the car he started asking questions who I was talking to etc, when we got bk home he was shouting n I'd had enough, just couldn't understand why, the kids sin everytnk, and he pushed me around the thout up the wall. Kids went running around the nabough s and I was hysterical n told him to go. The kids dad found out and he said if I ever went bk with him he'd fne the social. It was a mess, I loved him so much but he just couldn't cope with me going out? 2 weeks passed n he was texting me saying he couldn't live without me, and was suicidal. Which he did end up in hospital in the end from an over dose n hitting the wall and braking his fingers. I ended up going to see him cus deep down he was a lovely decent bloke, really was. I cent express it enough, sounds stupid I know. Would never of cheated n would do anytnk to make me happy, it's just the obsessive Ness and controlling behavior he had which I dent tank he could see wot he was doing. Any way I got bk with him n lost my friends through it custom they said tongs he was doing wasn't right. And I didn't went to go again, so I choose him. There was a time I did go out that he was fine when I got bk and it was actually a hen night, I'd text him through the night tho so that helped. Just dent understand it. Anyway cus I got bk with him the kids dad called the social like he said. And it just went down hill from there. Sorry trying to keep this short cus there's so much more but cnt fit it in. In the end the social came out and we workday together say every tnk was ok n nothing like that was ever going to happen again, wed talked to the kids, and they closed the case. The the was tho, I was feeling a bit down as I'd lost my friends and self like I was trapdoor bit custom I needed my space. But still I didn't say anytnk. He went n got my name tattoo d on his neck which I told him not to and couldn't under stand why he wanted to but he said he loved me so much n we was going to be forever, which I did tnk we was. We had sum lovely months were we was all happy n I loved him so much. We went away for a weekend to get away from all the stresses n he proposed n I excepted. We was madly in love. But then tongs went horrible again and he took a roll in family to much and was disaplining the kids to much and I try to talk to him bout it but he didn't understand that I didn't wnt them to hate him and I should be telling them off when naughty, even tho I did say I wanted his support when they was naughty. We would row over silly tngs n I've lost count on how many times we broke up n I'd get the testes off him saying the same he couldn't live without me n suicide threats again. And we get bk again, until one night we argued n the kids herd and ran around the nabouhs again, and it started again with their dad calling the social. I was torn between loving him and wanting to be with him, but hated the stress of the police, social, n having to go down the school. We where still together and again the case was closed. Another couple of months went by and things were bk on track. It was going lovely and everyone was fine and happy. I put every tank behind US. And was living like a proper family, he went out and got a job and we all had laughs and good times. He wanted a family so much, after a while he kept on saying how much he wanted a baby and in the end I gave in and said ok. But still now n again he would row over stupid tngs, like going for a coffee to my one friends I had left, and the disaplin thing with the kids again. I started feeling stuck in a cycle where I loved him so much and when tongs where great they where great, but I missed friends n going out, n my space now n again. I know I should of said somtnk but I didn't. I would be so loved up but when I went down my friends I would cry saying all bout the tngs. I decided that I was going to go bk on the pill but then I missed my period n I was pregnant. I told him and he was over joyed. And I acted I was too, but deep down I was scared. It's a stupid ing I know I should of never of tryd for a baby when I was feeling like this. I had mind feelings sum days I'd tnk ok this is guns be ok, but then wed arguee again over silly tngs,to the point where he'd say I couldn't drop the kids off at there dads if he'd fne and ask, and I'd say why just wnt to keep it civil. And he'd twist it by saying after all the things there dad had coursed by the social n treats. But it was him wot he'd done why they was involved in the first place. It was a endless battle, between the kids dad.him.social.school.and keeping my kids happy.and in the end I just couldn't cope with it all.I was happy but unhappy at the same time. Sick of arguing, lost myself, n didn't know what was right or wrong any more. And was answering to everyone. N I just folded. That week I return from my friends to have yet another argument with him n I walk out. I text him saying I'd had enough of everytng what had happen. N he left. I had an abortion a week later, I told him I lost it cus it would of killed him if he knew wot I'd done. It turned out such a mess, and it all spiral d out of control. It's been 2 months now since split for gud. I'm a horrible mess, he says ive broken him, and I've had mixed text messages from him, suicide ones, saying he dont understand what he did wrong and how I just ran away without talking to him. Then switching to I'm the one who's fuckd up, and all the names I can tnk of. Saying it's all my fault. N I've broken him. Hes always suffered with depression and taken tablets on and off. Im such a mess from all this, and had to recently go to the school again to talk to the social bout how the kids are from it all n concerns the dad had. My friends didn't like him. And he just hates me now. And I've never told him the truth to how it was effetc ing me in the end. Please help me.