Tamalane36's Story

My story....

I met my Narc online almost 3 years ago. I had never really dated before, and was on an upswing in my professional and personal life. We got to know each other very quickly via text and email, and when we finally met, I felt as if we'd known each other for years, and that he was my soul mate. In the beginning, he was incredibly communicative- we'd share our deepest thoughts and were in constant contact. He would text me constantly, at all hours of the day and night. When we met in person, we bonded instantly, and I was completely smitten. He was kind and caring, and could not be more adoring. He listened intently, and encouraged me to tell him my deepest fears and hopes, conveying that he understood and loved me because of, if not in spite of, of my fears and foibles. We were immediately hot and heavy- I was completely swept off my feet. The discussions were heady, the sex was intense and loving- unlike any type of relationship I'd ever had. i was absolutely head over heels, and he claimed to be as well.

About 6 months in, I found out he was married. He was quick to point out that they were, in fact, separated, although they still lived together. He took me to their apartment- she was not there, to show me that they did, indeed, have separate bedrooms. He also took every opportunity to tell me that she was crazy- he claimed, at different times, manic-depressive or BPD. Her FB page seemed to bear this out- crazy ramblings and musings, and I was more than happy to accept it as absolute truth. Why would I not trust him? About this time, while we were, in my mind, at the height of our love and passion, he did his first of many silent treatments. I later recognized that anytime we had a growth in intimacy (I had just given him a key to my apt), he would disappear. The first SilentTreatment lasted for about a week and a half. I was completely frantic the whole time, confused as to what I could have done to cause it- especially as he had left after a lovely evening. It was made worse by the fact that I could see on his twitter him joking with his friends back home, etc, as if nothing at all was wrong.

I'm ashamed to say that this pattern continued about 6 more times after this, in the two years we were together. Each time, I was frantic, and each time the SilentTreatment got longer and longer. He would come back via text, usually- I'd wake up to a forlorn text at 4 in the morning, telling me he couldn't live without me, and I would acquiesce each time. I chalked this and his rage fits up to the stress of his job- he's a police officer, and to the stressful situation with the wife, and him wrestling with his sexuality.. Also, this little boy lost scenario made me try even harder to help and support him- I tend to be a "wounded-bird-taker-inner..." I did everything i could to support him. cooking his meals, buying him gifts, telling him constantly of my love for him, etc.

Shortly after the first SilentTreatment, he met all of my friends at my bday dinner, at his insistence. It was, I thought, an amazing night- he charmed them all, and they all loved him. It was upon returning home that night that he had a major breakdown, crying and raging. Again, I chalked it up to his marriage and highly dysfunctional family (all mentally ill ), and him coming to terms with his sexuality.

It was after this that he started pulling away. Again, at the height of our closeness, he just started being absent. He was texting less and less, saying it was the night shift, the crazy wife, etc. I was desperately scrambling, trying to get us back to what we had been- constantly ruminating about how this could be going downhill like it was, and horribly sick at all times thinking about it.
It remained this way for the next year. Him getting more and more distant, and me scrambling to figure out how to right it, and what had happened to the kind, caring, loving and open man I'd fallen in love with. While in the beginning, he'd shower me with attention and text me all day and night- for the last eight months, he could barely be bothered to respond to a question. The sex, once loving and intense, was now wielded as a weapon. he would have nights where he was hyper sexual- 5 or 6 times, and the next day he would say, "i'm just not that sexual…"

He would, all of a sudden be his old self, and say he wanted to move in, and then disappear again, again leaving me scrambling, frantic, and sick.

Finally, towards the end, he was so far gone, that he was downright zombie-like. i would ask him to tell me what was going on, and he would literally screw his eyes shut, and his mouth shut tightly. i was completely at a loss. Still, i would get texts in the middle of the night saying he knew what was going on, and that he had faith that we would make it, that his "tragedy" was that his whole life, people had wanted him to change, and yet he was incapable of change. he even claimed this was due to his "neurosis." (he had many middle-of- the-night lucid moments- he rarely slept, in which he would reflect upon his pathology-even referring, many times, to his "narcissism." the next day, it was forgotten, however.)
Finally, almost two years in, after yet another SilentTreatment- this time 3 weeks, i called it off. i was drunk, out to dinner with a friend, and literally sick from the whole thing. i had no choice- my body acted without the consent of my mind. i broke it off via text message.
i have never been so heartbroken in my life. his response came almost 12 hours later- a long letter text- a bunch of word salad, really. a jumble of him ending it, and yet, as ever, leaving the door open. no closure to be had.

Since then, almost a year ago, there has been an endless barrage of drunk texts. i'm sad to say that, especially in the beginning, the Cognitive Dissonance was such that i responded every time- each time hopeful that we'd reunite. that he'd tell me this was all a bad dream. sadly, once i'd respond to him, he would never respond back. about 7 months into the break up- me still reeling, he joined the dating site i was on, and continued to view my page daily- "liking' my pics, then later "un-liking" them. this time was also peppered with emails, and even a drunk call at 4 in the morning. when i said, in all earnestness, "i miss you…", he responded, "i miss me too…!" He finally quit the website when i blocked him. my blocking him caused him to send me a barrage of text messages, trying to woo me. when i finally did respond, like an idiot, he, of course, did not respond.

it was about this time that i stumbled upon Lisa's book, and then the website. My therapist, whom i had started seeing while he and i were still together, as i was starting to question my sanity, (although, deep down, i knew he was at fault…), had already pointed to the fact that he was a classic BPD/NPD- but it wasn't until finding the path forward BB that all the pieces started falling into place. i have been firmly NC for a month. he has tried to contact me as recently as 2 weeks ago- rejoining the dating site AGAIN, and reaching out via the chat and text. i have not responded, and have quit that website, and every other. i feel in deep self-protection mode. my web visibility is nonexistent now- i quit Facebook while he and i were together, as it was painful even then. i want him to have no access to me whatsoever.

i continue to read the blogs and bulletin postings, and everything i can get my hands on. Sheridan's Puzzling People was amazing- a virtual play by play of our entire relationship. i also just finished Women Who Love Psychopaths, and am mid-way through Stout's The Sociopath Next Door. All have been illuminating, though i must admit, i feel like i'm at place, finally, where i think, "enough about him, enough about psychopaths. time to think about me. what lead me here? how do i move forward?" I should say here that i fit the usual profile- a total empath, open and loving to a fault.

Finally, i will say that i feel like, for the sake of brevity, this story is wildly incomplete. i could write a tome about the hundreds of little slights, the hundreds of devaluing incidents. the gaslighting. the confusing text messages that send conflicting messages in just two lines. the sexual stuff, as well. towards the end, he used it as a weapon. withholding at his discretion- sometimes stopping mid-way through, and saying, "you know, i'm not feeling very sexual tonight…"

all of this leaving me, to my endless shame, panting for more. an addict doing whatever i could to get my fix. ( i must say here that it is SHOCKING how by the book these psychopaths are! i've found almost all of our stories on here are interchangeable! they vary only by small degrees!)

And yet, i am here. and i am ready to put him behind me. people survive worse on a daily basis. i refuse to be ruined by him. i've walked around like a zombie for the better part of a year. a husk of a human.

No more. I'm coming back into my body. small miracles every day- I can actually concentrate enough to read a book! to watch a tv show! small things, but i claim them.

a mantra keeps popping into my head, my own, so often now that i say it out loud- "i am my own creature!" a small victory, perhaps, but it feels so very large!

and, as i said in my intro post on the BB, i thank everyone here, for the solidarity and the the torches they hold, lighting the way! i feel we all have legions behind us!