K_S's Story

Not so simple

This is incredibly hard to start writing.

I was involved with a Narcissist for 3 years. It's been two months since no contact and this is the longest we've gone without conversing. When I came across this website the signs and stories from all these people made sense to me. And I was hoping they wouldn't. I've been in denial for so long. I've been making excuses for so long. I've been taking the blame this whole time. I didn't want to believe that there are people out there like this. I'm still struggling to really accept it. Some solace has been found in reading other people's stories so I'll start with that.

I'll first say that for someone to be a N or borderline, sociopath or what have you, they don't have to follow this "textbook" description that is out there. Upon all my excuse making and blaming myself for the problem, I've come to realize that there is something wrong with these people.

I was never in a committed relationship with my guy. It was sex. Hard as that is to say, feel, realize and admit, it was only sex to him. I loved him. A part of me still does. A part of me still waits for the day that he's going to find a way to contact me (as I've blocked all means of communication).

What I've finally noticed through this whole process is one thing: These guys are not normal. No self respecting person leads someone to believe there is, or could be something more between them for 3 years. Even one year. 6 months. I try to turn it around in my mind. Would I do this to another person? No. Even if my ego was at stake? No. Even if I was so incredibly lonely? Would I continue to engage with someone who I didn't care about for my own selfish purposes? No. I would not do any of that. That's because I'm a person of empathy. I have thoughts and feelings and concerns and I put myself in other people shoes. And I could not do this kind of emotional abuse to another person. I just couldn't. And I could never feel good about myself if I did.

I read some of these post and I start to get it. There are too many times that I've accepted responsibility and have blamed this on myself. Telling myself it was me, I wasn't good enough, thin enough, smart enough, funny enough, didn't like sports, drinking or gambling enough. I was texting too much, emailing too much, baring my soul too much, EXPECTING too much from him. That's how he made me feel. And I can count so many times that I was the first one to reach out after he went MIA and I can only count on one hand that he actually contacted me after he went MIA. But I will tell you this, those times that he reached out to me and told me how "sorry" he was and how "messed up" he was and just this complete string of lies that sucked me back in every time. I fell for it. Every single time.

For a person to do that for three years is unbearable to a woman's soul. To be used, degraded, ignored, devalued, the silent treatment... This way that they get you to act, because YOU ARE the crazy one, right? YOU did this, right? No. I won't take that anymore. Like I said before, any person with any kind of ethics or morals would not do that to you. And that's the boiling point in my mind. It's accepting that truth that is the hardest thing to do here.

There were lies that were told about me. There were things that I was left out of because he was going to be there. He got me right where he wanted me, which was dependent on him. If you see these signs that I've listed, please beware. We have to stop falling in love with the "potential" and fall in love with ourselves.

I've had to go to urgent care 3 times for a panic attack, that's how crazy he made me feel. It was only a couple months ago that I gave in and told my GP I needed an antidepressant.

The turning point for me was this last summer. And this is the only instance I can give because 1). it is the worst and 2.) I can't bear to relive the other times right now. But this past summer we hadn't been together physically at all. But we were emailing and at times it turned flirtatious. It's funny because I remember telling myself that if I keep engaging in this I will end up in a mental hospital. It's lucky I didn't. Anyhow, after a few months of this emailing I let him come over. We had the most amazing time and he was going through a hard time in his life and was very "appreciative" that I listened to him. Things ended up getting physical, sexually, and he asked me if he could "go" inside of me. We didn't have protection and we never really used it because he was extremely good about getting out of there in time. So I said yes and he did. And right after he told me I needed to get the Plan B because he "shouldn't have done that".

To have everything that you ever wanted happen and then being taken away in only moments after it happened is destroying. This could sound small and no big deal to many people, but my God, this is what I had wanted and waited for for so long. I thought that I had things figured out and I could "beat this game" he was playing. But no, I got beaten by him in the end.

The funny thing about my situation is that from the beginning of 2012 I heard someone/read something that said when you pray to God about another person to ask God to show you where you could change for the better before you ask him to change another. So I prayed. And prayed and prayed. And I said God, show ME how I can be better. Make me a better person. Because maybe if I become better You can work on him.

And like magic he showed up that night in early August, asked to come inside me, I said yes, he took it away and there I was. Again. My prayers, my hopes, my desires all died that night. And of course he came back twice after that night. But that was the last time I shared my body with him.

I know I haven't shared more personal stories, but I want my point to be made that his behavior was not normal. Not "textbook". And that's okay. Because after two and a half years of mind F, the fact that he could do that to me shows me who he is and who he never really was.

This is the hardest hurdle of my life so far. I know what it's and I know that no one, unless they've been with a person like this, can truly know how you feel. I just want to list a few things that I've done personally to try and move on.

The first thing that helped was that I started sleeping on my couch. Mainly because I had the TV. Where before I could not fall asleep with any noise, now I need that noise. It has helped me drown out many thoughts.

The second thing to do, given you're probably not wanting to leave your new couch/bed is to watch old TV shows or movies that you grew up on. For me it's Full House. Lucky for me a marathon has been going on for quite some time. Really it just takes me back to being a child and it helps me remember "me" and who I was and who I want to be.

Another thing to do is start saving up, get a makeover, shop, and go on a trip. Who cares who you need to reconcile with to get you back to YOU. I have a trip scheduled this weekend to NH to see a guy I used to be in LOVE with. Those feelings aren't there anymore, but I want to see him only to remember ME and how I used to feel. I thank God that I still have those people that I can turn to.

I really hope this can touch someone else's story as many of yours have helped me.