Confused Gal's Story

I've been separated from my ex for 18 days with NC. This is the fourth time in almost 2 years I have been here but the first time I have wondered if my ex is N. My story goes like this:-
I met him as he put my 13 year old cat to sleep, so I was very sad and vulnerable, she'd been my lil rock. He was everything I'd ever dreamed of and was there for me at a very upsetting time. He bought me flowers (really nice big bouquet), cooked me 3 course meal within the first 3 dates. I didn't know why but I felt very uneasy around him, but I put it down to nerves! He was tall good looking interesting and very intelligent. He seemed to be good at everything cooking, gardening, photography. He was very creative and made some of his own furniture and had all his own paintings and sculptures on his walls (absolutely covered!). He said I was beautiful and said some lovely things. I thought he was wonderful. He told me his ex stole thousands from him and was bipolar and had never seen his daughter because of her. I felt so sorry for him, but now wonder if there was more to it?!! And also wonder why he kept loads of texts on his phone from her declaring her love for him when they split up (Yes I was naughty and checked his phone but not until the fourth time I went back!). Three months in I noticed things changing, he started to criticise me and make 'jokes' at my expense. I told him I didn't mind a bit of banter but the constant put downs were upsetting me. He told me I was being over sensitive and moody. I remember sitting in a cave wondering is it me? I realised we were doing everything he wanted to do, everything I suggested, he'd either agree and pull out or refuse. He was only interested in doing things he enjoyed and I had to play along. I felt like I wasn't important, like I didn't matter, he didn't want to do things to make me happy, but I was hooked and thought I was being selfish thinking that way. I enjoyed the affection, he always held my hand, cuddled me in bed. I was hanging on for any 'crumb' he gave me! He had no friends and spoke about his family amd work colleagues and clients in such a disparaging way. He was always right and everything was always someone elses fault or in our reltaionship it was all my fault. His opinions were always right and he loved to show off his intelligence to anyone who would listen (and god it was boring!). If I got upset because he was hurting my feelings, he would not speak to me for days. The more I got upset the more he retreated and then would dump me. I was left wondering, what have I done? Why won't he talk to me? He would never tell me if something was bothering him, he kept it to himself and I was supposed to know (somehow?!) what was wrong. It was ok for him to have a mood/strop/tantrum when things not going his way, but if I had a rant about anything (sometimes nothing to do with him) he would ask me to leave him alone, he wouldn't text/call, nothing, cut me off completely. I was left reeling, confused, not understanding how someone can love you one minute and dump you the next. He told me not to doubt how much he loved me, then left me two weeks later??! I couldn't understand what had I done to make him not love me anymore?? Each time we broke up I'd contact him, wanting answers, validation, to understand, but he would turn it all on me, blame me, say some really hurtful things. I would end up just wanting him back, I missed him, couldn't be without him. He came back each time...The third time we split up it was for four months. I went on a self development course in Spain and got close to a man I'd known out and about locally. I told him I wasn't ready for a 'relationship' and could only offer friendship, but he treated me like a princess. He would have been patient and waited until I was ready. I think that was the universes way of showing me what I was missing, but I couldn't see it. I kept that darn contact with my ex and went back stupidly for a fourth time! I had realised he had passive aggressive behaviour traits and thought I could handle it. So long as I stayed focussed on me and not let the put downs, his behaviour get to me. It was better, I felt better/stronger. If he cut off, stop texting, I wouldn't bother. I stopped reacting. I just carried on with my life as normal. I noticed an ex work colleague of his had started commenting on fb photos and texting him (not often, but 'thought of you today cos' 'popped in work but you not in sorry I missed you'). She was also an ex girlfriend from 4 years ago and has not long split from her fiance! I asked him about it calmly and ratoinally (not usually my style so I had improved lol), but was accused of being jealous and not trustng him. He turned it onme and I felt awful for mentioning it! I really don't think he was cheating, but I do think he enjoyed the ego boost, the attention. I do wonder if she will be his next vicitm?! I started to think that actually this wasn't the kind of relationship I wanted. I was fed up of the mind games, not knowing where I stood from one day to the next, walking on eggshells all the time, being careful what I said and did. I started to withdraw, thinking about what I wanted. I ended up with a note in a carrier bag by my car, saying not to contact him and it was all my fault of course. I went down for some of my stuff from his house and I did manage to say my piece...'you don't treat people you supposedly love like this, this is low, we weren't in a relationship, just two people hanging out and having sex, I didn't believe he ever loved me, he didn't deserve me, that it was his decision and I wasn't going to beg for him back. I admit I did go to slap him across the face and he pushed and grabbed me so hard my hand was severely bruised, probably my own fault lol. He said he'd been patient with me up to now! I looked him strsight in the eye and told him I hated him with every fibre of my being. I called him a narcissitic bully when I walked away but didn't really know what it meant. I had an idea but didn't realise how accurate this may have been?!
And yet I am finding it so hard and don't understand why I still miss him, want him to hold me again, to love me again like I remember, when deep down I know I am better off without him. I just hope I can stay strong and keep up NC. Thanks for listening xx