im outta here's story

Twenty-seven years of dysfunction

Hi, I'm Terri and I'm a survivor-in-training. I was 30 years old when I met my N, and am now 57. To all you women out there who are considering reuniting with their own abuser (for that's what they are), I truly hope you'll think long and hard about what I've allowed to happen to my life with this man.

As I said, I first got involved with my N when I was 30, and he was my boss at work. Because of this, we spent an incredible amount of time together and things became personal quickly (two months after I was hired). He was attentive, generous, complimentary, and jealous. At the time, I was flattered by the jealousy, but that quickly changed once I was "in the web". Four months later, he was pushing HARD for marriage and although I was very reluctant, I agreed to marry him.

Immediately, the control issues started; he wanted me to quit working, was jealous of family members, expressed anger or pouting if I talked on the phone to them, and questioned even trips to the grocery store, accusing me of having an affair. I had one close woman-friend, and he even accused me of having an affair with her, although I am completely heterosexual and rarely saw her (our contact was almost completely only by phone).

All this is typical of N's, including the massive amount of lying, distorting reality, sexual dysfunction ranging from demanding sex daily despite my desires, excessive addiction to degrading porn, and demeaning demands for unnatural sexual experiences. There was never, in 27 years, love or intimacy involved in sexual encounters...it was always impersonal.

Anyway, I could go on forever telling you about how perfectly this man fits the N profile, but what I really want to share is that every three years or so, he would instigate a separation, either by simply leaving a note on the table that he was moving out (ALWAYS out of the blue without discussion and ALWAYS during times we were getting along especially well), and that would be that!

A year would go by, during which time I'd vow to never reunite with him, lick my wounds, and try to repair the mess I'd inevitably let him make of my life.

Then he'd show back up with promises of grandiose perfection if we only moved to this city or that state; he always had the perfect job lined up (that never materialized) and needed me, couldn't live without me.

And every time, I fell for it, which makes my own emotional problems just as troubling as his in my eyes. The last time almost killed me, because I became so depressed I lost a dangerous amount of weight (which I'm still battling to put back on), and became suicidal. I struggled HARD with myself daily to remember my grown children and how much it would hurt them to lose me. Then I got angry, and I USED that anger to propel me outta there!!!

Now I'm 57. My back hurts. My skin sags. My face is lined. I feel like my best years have been stolen by him, and completely wasted by me. And I'm alone...but that's exactly where I need to be right now, because now it's about healing ME, and I will not allow myself to lose focus of that because I refuse to wake up next time and be 77!!!

So, if you're considering going back to your narcissistic ex-abuser, PLEASE remember my story and the stories of way too many women exactly like me.

It's okay to love yourself, by the way. Let the sun warm your face, close your eyes, and breathe deeply every time you feel insecure or vulnerable; it'll help center you and make you stronger.

I wish you a wonderful Christmas, and even if you feel alone, remember all the rest of us out here with you, rooting for you.