eraider12's story

Broken and Alone

So I met this guy at the beginning of the year around mid-February. Immediately I was completely smitten by him. I literally thought I'd just hit the jackpot. For the first month or two, things were perfect. Everything seemed great, but then as we began to get comfortable, I would mess around with him trying to make him jealous at times, which I got a kick out of 'cause the fact that he got mad showed me that he cared, that I was "his". At first, that's what most of our fights consisted, him being mad that I'd talk to other guys, or even being around the presence of some of my male friends. I quickly got the idea that he was very jealous. As time went on, our fights became less and less about his jealousy, and it became more about simple petty things. Five months into our relationship I find out I'm pregnant. Mind you, I'm only 18 at this point, and he's only "ten" months younger than I, as he puts it. Upon finding out, he seemed cold, and completely heartless. At one point he told me to "go and get it sucked out". I was an emotional mess and didn't know what to do. Eventually, we talked and he told me how he wanted to keep it and make our family work. We were on a complete roller coaster and I was so terrified. I was getting ready to go off to college and I had no idea what to do. No matter what we did, we'd always fight, and it would always be on his terms. One thing I can say about me, is that I'm vocal about what I want in a relationship. If i didn't get it from him, I'd throw a "tantrum" as he'd put it, he'd get irritated, I'd get mad that he'd begin to be rude and insensitive, and our fights would simply prolong. Nothing was ever his fault and he'd never do anything wrong. I remember feeling that I had to change, and I had to stop being so "childish" and simply work with him. I'd feel at fault and guilty sometimes, so when we'd fight and go our own ways, I'd be the one to call him, and I'd be the one to beg him to come back. I ended up deciding to go through with the pregnancy, and I was simply hoping things would work out. In my heart of hearts, he always came around anyway. I figured the fighting would die down, and we'd be fine afterwards. I was set to leave on a Sunday morning, and that Friday I remember we went out on a date. I wanted to dress up and leave him with a last great memory. However, as soon as I entered the car, he completely criticized my outfit because it was too much. Immediately I had gotten upset because that was totally not the reaction I was expecting, and he'd totally just shot my ego. I began with my "tantrum" again simply because I didn't know where to eat. He didn't want to eat at the place I mentioned and I didn't want what he had said. Eventually he erupted, and the night just went downhill from there. Once we got to dinner it was so awkward 'cause we sat across from each other in silence eating our food. When we left the restaurant, I gave up and tried to make things better, again. He wasn't budging and the night just got worse. When he dropped me off, I went in and completely "devalued" him I guess. The next day I hadn't called him all day, even though I was set to leave on Sunday morning. He called me late at night angry that I hadn't called him all day. I tried explaining to him that I was upset because of the way he acted, and he made it out to be my fault. According to him, he had taken me out, and put his time and money into the night and I was being ungrateful by not saying bye, love you, or thank you. Things simply got nasty from there. He called me outside to "talk" when in reality his plan was to drive somewhere far from my house and make me, his pregnant girlfriend, WALK back to my house. For the next two weeks, we'd talk on the phone since I was already in school, but not once did he ever apologize. I tried getting and apology out of him, but it was no point. After those two weeks, he went to pick me up at school and he was the exact same guy I'd fallen in love with at the beginning. It was as if nothing had even happened. Since then up until a couple of weeks ago, things seemed fine. They were great actually. It wasn't until I found a couple messages from his ex, in his phone that my entire world collapsed. When I confronted him about the messages he either denied everything or simply didn't want to talk about it. He just wanted to take me back home. He didn't admit or deny anything, and once I got back to school, he didn't take the time to call, text, or anything to give me a peace of mind. A couple of days ago, I got in contact with his ex. I came to finding out that apparently they'd been on and off since the very beginning of our relationship, and they'd gotten back together around the time I found I was pregnant. Apparently, he even went as far as to sleeping with us on the same day without a condom, and she has an STD. Everything I thought I knew about this guy was a complete lie. It was through his ex that I found out that he was a narcissist. The more I've researched this, the more everything makes sense. It hurts, especially considering the fact that I'm now 19, and having his baby. I feel so desperate to reach him just to know where he's at, who he's with, and what he's doing. I'm trying as hard as possible however. I know I have someone else to worry about, and I don't want him to be around my child at anytime, alone.
How do you deal with the pain, the suffering, and the torment? For the past year I've made this guy the center of my world, and he's really the first and only guy I've truly loved.
Please someone tell me things get better from here on out.