claud_mike's story - part 2

Wasn't even in a 'relationship' and he screwed me over! Part 2

PART 2

It was 2 in the morning. My husband was dying on the couch next to me. I couldn't sleep and I got an answer like that.

I responded angrily. Told him how ridiculous he was being, given that we didn't actually do any work together, but obviously the fun times we had were only applicable at work (I was being sarcastic).

And he had obviously forgotten his part in messaging me. And I didn't think to remind him at the time.

He didn't reply, even though he saw the message.

And of course, I obsessed with what had happened and what on earth had happened to us. Told my friends. Thought non-stop. WTF? And instead of grieving for my husband, I was preoccupied with this creep. And all the time, I KNEW he was such a prick that he would never apologise, that he wouldn't even feel bad for what he had done. I just hated that the whole thing bothered me so much and I was wasting SO much energy that I didn't have on him.

I was such a fool. I thought and thought, and thought it was me. Instead of him. And I apologised for getting angry. Apologised for expecting him to be someone I could use to avoid my grief. (WHY DID I APOLOGISE!!!) Made a few jokes and pretended we were ok. Hoped that we could go back to how we were because as much of a prick I thought he was, I still considered him a friend. And said I wished it could go back to how it was and I could use work to be an escape from my situation. Asked if we could catch up for coffee before I got back to work to clear the air, as he had made things awkward.

But no. He threw my apology in my face. Wrote back and told me we could not have coffee because there was nothing to talk about. He totally messed with my mind. I had no idea what had happened. And when I asked him why not because we always used to and we always had plenty to talk about, he said because I couldn't stop messaging him. And I expected him to be my escape which he wasn't, and I was the one making things awkward and harrassing him.

I cried when I got that message. I unfriended him on Facebook after that. But he got me back by later that day by blocking me totally, so I couldn't even see his profile. It wasn't totally NC. I still had the work email and phone number. But he manipulated me totally – I couldn't argue back because it would prove his point about not being able to stop messaging. And I wasn't at work to talk to him.

My husband passed away 5 days later. He did not text or email with any apology or sympathy. He wrote a few meaningless lines on the group card from work. My colleague dragged him to the funeral (he wasn't planning to come and was not dressed for it). I had to make small talk and thank him for coming.

A week later, we both found out we had been made redundant. I broke NC and wrote him a message saying I was sorry to hear about it. True to form, he shrugged it off and implied he didn't care but did send a few messages.

I returned to work the following week after being away for over 2 months. I ignored him as best as I could. He was leaving before me, and I only had to put up with him for 2 more weeks. He tried to engage me in conversation, even trying on some of our old jokes. I could not believe his nerve.

I managed to say to him “I have plenty more to say to you, because I haven't finished insulting you”. He said 'our messaging went too far'. I said, “yes and I apologised.' (AGAIN - WHY DID I WHEN HE DIDN'T ACKNOWLEDGE HIS PART IN THE MESSAGES) I told him he was a dick and he had been horrible horrible to me. He started making excuses about how his philosophy was to keep work separate from everything. Unfortunately our manager came out before I could come back with 'seriously – you couldn't be a supportive friend because it wasn't in your JOB DESCRIPTION?'.

I texted him that afternoon and said I called bull on his stupid argument, and he still sucked at being a person. Told him not to reply.

The last week I saw him, we hardly spoke. But when we did, he no longer put on his charm act and he was A BORING ASS. Our conversations had no spark, no fun. I saw him flirt and tease other women at work while ignoring me and saw how he had discarded me.

It no longer hurt like it had.

But yet I still obsessed. Why had I meant nothing? How could he have been so callous? Had he been scared off by our growing closeness or had I imagined the whole thing? The week before I went on leave, our colleagues teased him that he was going to miss me more that I would miss him and I would be the one getting postcards from him. But why did I get so rejected? It totally damaged my self-esteem and psyche, and he totally kicked me when I was down.

So scary that I KNEW him so well. I totally called him on all his arrogance, his contempt, his lack of caring. When the shit went down, I said to my friends he would never come around and apologise or even think he did anything wrong. I even wrote the goodbye letter like the ones here. But I never got to give it to him. And in hindsight, better that I didn't. Coz he would have laughed at it and tossed it.

So all in all, it finished well. He finished work (left without saying goodbye to me) and so it's easy to be totally NC. I found this website which explained EVERYTHING! (THANK YOU!) and was able to see so much more clearly. Even if I did obsess for so many months. When I should have been grieving. An article on here said we obsess so we won't grieve about the N. I was obsessing so that I could avoid grieving about my husband.

I told my colleagues about what he had done, so he didn't leave with a favourable impression. To close it off, I spoke to the girl he had 'moved on to' while I was away. She was new, in a different team but sat close by, she was also married (I think we were a target because he couldn't get too close). I found out that he had sought her out (asked her to lunch etc) and thankful for her, she thought he was a pompous ass and didn't give him encouragement. But true to N form, he's still looking for his latest victim to leech off, and he emailed her last week saying he was going to be around the office in a few weeks and wanted to catch up. I hope now she knows what he's like, she kicks him to the kerb.

And this post is my closure. I didn't get to say everything I wanted to him. But at least I guess he knew I had seen through his act, which is why he hasn't bothered coming back. My poor friends have had to put up with all my obsessing. And one of them gets it. But others don't get at all why I was still harping. This site has been so helpful.

I know the hurt I suffered is nothing compared to so many people here who were in relationships with their N, who were married and abused by them for so many years. Who still have to struggle to their N coming back to them, and finding it hard to be NC.

The website has made me stronger. So I won't text him a new year's message. So I won't connect with him on LinkedIn. So I won't follow him on Twitter.

He was right. We have nothing to say to each other.

Thank you for reading. Sorry it's so long!