Skeeterina71's Story

My (Candy) Story, more like a nightmare

Well wow, first let me say I am grateful that I found this website. Honestly, 2 weeks ago my life just completely flipped upside down and I had no idea what happened. I know I was sad, I felt sick and so hurt. In 2010 I met a guy at work, we worked for the same company but he was from Louisiana while I lived in Pa. The company started sending La guys to Pa to avoid layoffs. From the moment I laid eyes on him I told myself I had to STAY AWAY from him. I'm starting to wonder now if it was actually my instincts kicking in. I found him attractive but I was NOT looking for a relationship or anything else......I was a single mom, had a job, house, bills, a life and didn't want to be bothered. Plus I had an ex that chased off every guy I spoke with. After about a week of this one walking back and forth past my desk and just trying to make chit chat, of which I blew off as best I could without being rude, he stood in the middle of the office and offered to buy anyone dinner that would take him somewhere other than the hotel he'd been eating at. I didn't take him up on the offer and had plans that night. He had added me to his Facebook so I could see pics of his kid and my plans for the evening had fallen through. So I saw in him on FB chat and took him up on his offer. Now, NPD is new to me. Before a week ago I had NEVER heard of it......

Anyway, we go to dinner and it's very casual, nice, we seemed to have a lot in common (go figure). He talked about his kid's mom who he was still with but was going to be breaking up with when he returned to La because he "never was in love with her" which I found a bit odd and even asked hi. WHY would you stay with someone 6 years and have a kid with them if you never loved them? He said she was just there at a time in his life when all his friends were gone, he was doing a lot of drugs and had the kid because he "didn't think he'd live to see 30 yrs old and wanted a kid". Now of course, I should have seen ALL those flags, but since I knew nothing of NPD, seriously why would I? So we talked over dinner and then went to shoot some pool. Anyway, long story short (this part anyway) he was working 28 days on in Pa then off for 28 days. Several days later he told me that his kids mom had basically "forced him to break up with her over the phone" whereas previously at dinner he told me he was going to wait til he got home to break up with her because he didn't like doing that over the phone. Well I was excited because I really liked him and we started seeing each other.........casually.

Well, 2 weeks later he heads home to La but he's calling/texting every day. And 28 days later I found out he's coming back so I was excited because I didn't think I'd see him again. That was in August 2010 and when he came back I picked him up from the airport and he came to my house to stay. Anyway, I told him that I started having "feelings" which I truly did but I didn't expect him to reciprocate only because he had spent a great deal of time telling me about how his first love broke his heart and he was emotionless and blah blah blah. Well much to my surprise he did reciprocate the feelings, or so I believed. Anyway at the end of this hitch he stayed a couple extra days with me. He was sweet and charming and as all the literature stated.......in the honeymoon phase full force. Well he went home and a couple weeks after he was home he asked me to move to Louisiana to be with him. It was a little sudden and I really would have preferred he move to Pa but understood he couldn't (or wouldn't) because of his kid. I didn't decide right away, I thought it over for quite some time and talked to my kids about it before making the decision to move.

It was literally a disaster from the minute I got there. Now idk how long the "honeymoon phase" lasts but I mean, with a month, we were having disagreements about things. Mainly the fact that his mama was always up our butts, always calling him when she needed the littlest things that I felt a grown woman should have been capable of doing herself. She was overbearing and intrusive and I told him how I felt about it and asked him could he just please back her off a bit. Well he didn't like that. He told me he ENJOYED the fact that his mama comes around so much and was trying to "look out for us & his kid", this pissed ME off because I have 3 kids of my own and was quite capable of dealing with his also WITHOUT mama's help. The next issue I had was with his ex because she was ALWAYS up at his parents house, which was just a stones throw up the driveway........,she was sleeping there using the excuse of "spending time with her kid" because she left the kid with his parents all week!! His parents watched the kid while he went back to Pa to work and she also worked but couldn't afford daycare or gas to be able to take HER KID home with her. Plus she got child support....this entire scenario just boggled my mind because I was a single mom of 3 kids for years and did just fine! So I told him that she was sleeping at his parents and that it made me uncomfortable but rather than focus on the fact that it made me uncomfortable, all he wanted to do was explain to me WHY it was happening to which really didn't care, I just wanted it to stop. Then out came the excuses that he can't tell his parents who they can have at their house and all sorts of crap. Well needless to say I was starting to see where I fit into his world and I was NOT as special as I was in Pa and I quickly started to HATE everything he "loved". Within 4 months of moving, I starting drinking, a LOT because even in the beginning, when I told him things he would dispute them saying they weren't happening and even THEN I was confused and starting to doubt myself. So for about 4 months, I was drinking heavily. I was trying to find a job, get out and meet people but every time I would try and make plans, usually with HIS friends because those were the only people I knew, he would start dumping this guilt trip on me that he only gets certain times to talk to me because of his work schedule and he gets lonely at work missing me and I would get so FRUSTRATED because even something as simple as wanting to take a bath or watch tv @ night would deliver me the guilt trip or he would ask, can't I take a bath later or can't I just TiVo the show. Well, I realized that drinking was NOT helping and stopped after about 4 months......we decided we were ""fix things". He explained that this was all new to him and he was "trying to understand" and trying to see & fix things, like the mama and ex. Those 2 situations were long running, constant problems. Well, in May much to my surprise, he got down on one knee and proposed. I accepted although I was in no RUSH to get married and he didn't seem to be pushing the issue either which now looking back, is weird. He as very good at pacifying me and I think the proposal was just that.

Well by July the fighting had gotten so intense, after a night out, he passed out and I packed my car and took off!! I was heading back to Pa, I was done. My friend in NC steered me to her place and I stayed forms few days but he was constantly calling/texting, apologizing, telling me how much he missed me and so on swearing that things will be different. So loving him the way I did, I went back because I wanted it to work. It was shortly after that the first incident of physical abuse occurred. He/we had been drinking and we were walking to a friends house when all of a sudden he flipped into Mr. Hyde mode and flipped and wanted to "talk". I told him not it the middle of the street at 2 am lets just get where we're going. Next thing I know he's grabbing me by the back of my shirt and yanking me backwards. Well at this point I started getting mad and asking him to just leave me alone we can talk later, but he wanted to talk right then and there. So he gets in front of me and as I try and go around him, he picks me up off the ground and is holding me in the air. The next thing I know, I'm ON the ground and KNOWING he had thrown me, I just slowly got up and started walking once again to the friend's house and he started grabbing at the back of my shirt again. So bad that I twisted out of my shirt, had thrown my shoes at him and ran to the friends house showing up in my bra. Later he tried to tell me that I had "kicked off his chest" which is how I ended up on the ground and I knew that was bullshit because I even said to him, knowing that I have powerful legs, if that was the case, he would have ended up on the ground as well. So he then changed the story to "he didn't remember". Well while all this was going on, he knew I was once again planning to leave because I was tired of the shit. It was during THIS period that he told my 17 year old daughter that if I left, she could stay with him because she was "of age" and I couldn't MAKE her move away. He played her against me because he knew she had a little boyfriend and my daughter is pretty selfish herself in that she only thinks of herself. From the moment he told her that, she never listened to me again. She was firmly on his team.

The next incident of abuse came about 3 months later. Once again, alcohol had been involved but now I believe never the "cause" of his flare ups. I've been trying to remember what we did that led up to that second incident, had I ignored him in some way or something but my brain is so fried right now I really can't. Anyway, that ended up with my in an ambulance with a fractured rib. Now initially, I accused him of pushing me because that's what I remembered happening. A little while later he told me I had tripped which I had a hard time believing because I didn't even try to catch myself which is the body's natural reaction. I didn't try and catch myself because I don't think I had time and definitely didn't EXPECT to go flying backwards. Anyway, he spent the next several days "taking care of me". At some point down the road even reminding me that he "missed his kids birthday party (that his ex was throwing) to take care of me. I was so confused and so frustrated. We fought constantly and because of that we were ever invited to go anywhere which personally I didn't care but it was a huge deal to him. See me, I can live without a ton of people in my life, him not so much. He needed way more people in his life to make him happy and to accept him than I did. And I didn't really CARE if his friends/family liked or accepted me, I wasn't there for them. But he told me I can't "be that way down here" knowing that I have always felt that way about people. I have always told him that I really don't care of someone doesn't like me. I'll still sleep fine at the end of the day............

So the fighting continued because I was starting to see through his "I'm a good guy" crap and throw the bullshit card at him and he didn't like it. I had also found out that he had been talking to a woman on Facebook chat in a very inappropriate and disrespectful manner and that kicked in my trust issues with him. Not too long after that I found out that he also had slept with someone after he and I initially had gotten together and he came home to La. He gave me 3 really LAME excuses as to WHY he did it, all of which I rebuffed as bullshit and basically told him the only reason he did it was because he WANTED to do it!!

I tried to be understanding and told him that no one is perfect and I applauded the few efforts he DID make trying to get rid of the ex and back down mama but we still fought. He started saying that I didn't appreciate anything he did, that it was never enough and he was a failure. I knew something was wrong but at this point I felt obliterated emotionally and mentally and couldn't tell if there was something wrong with him or ME. Even when my foster parents came to visit, my foster mom had made the comment that I'd seemed so "subdued". She knew that we fought and since I've been knowing her for 25 years, I confided in her a LOT because I trusted her. It was to the point that ANYTHING that I said was crap to him. When his kid got a fever, I suggested he give the kid ibuprofen and acetomenophin together and he argued that you can't do that. I told him he could because a good friends of mine had told me that a few years earlier and he refused to do it. In fact, he threw the kid in the car and took him to the er. Strangely, his sister was an LPN and it didn't dawn on me until MUCH later that he never called and asked her for some reason. But a couple of days later when his sister was at our house I asked her COULD he have given his kid both and she said yes. But I never got an apology or anything.

Well after almost another year of this garbage and fighting! I had managed to find a job and it seemed like THAT'S when things became unbearable between he and I. We couldn't sit in a restaurant together, it was uncomfortable to be in the car with him and idk why the only difference was that NOW I was working. Well things got so bad that 2 months ago, I had quit my job and and back to Pa. I had to get away and be around people that I knew and that accepted me. My heart ached for him and I missed him but I thought I needed to get MYSELF together if I was ever going to help get US back together. We talked several times but I noticed while I was away, he was not thinking about the relationship. In fact he didn't even seem the least bit concerned. He was running around visiting people and having people over for dinner and just strange things whereas I was trying to focus on the relationship. So we talked and he said he wanted to give it another chance but also said he was "not changing anything else" and was "scared it would happen again". Now being that we're both adults, I reassured him that we could do it if we work together. I was on a plane the next day.as I am flying back, I am in Ga waiting for my connecting flight. He and I had been texting back and forth all day and I was feeling very confident. Well as I'm sitting in the terminal I received a text from him that was meant for his cousin that said "yea may not be the smartest thing I've ever done but wanna give it another try" and I was devastated to know he felt that way and cried all the way from Ga to La. During the flight he had called and left me this wonderfully, loving voicemail that he was scared but he was sorry and didn't meant to hurt me. Funny thing is, I'd heard that "I didn't mean to hurt you" phrase constantly over the 2 yrs I was there. He wanted me to "drop it". So we went home but because that text was still fresh on my mind, I found myself crying practically every day. I didn't know what to do, what to say, where to sit or how to act and I TOLD him that's how I was feeling. And then I told him after about a week of this horrible uncomfortableness that I thought it might be better if we just ended it for good because it was working. Well at that point, instead of asking me WHY I thought that, like a normal person would do, he jumped up, screamed at me and took off for 2 days. He was ignoring my texts/calls and when he would respond he was nasty and belligerent telling me I did "more damage by saying i wanted to leave again than ill ever know".

A few days later he went to work and a week after that he was done, he then spent a week yo yo-ing my emotions. Giving me what I thought was hope only to shoot me down repeatedly. He didn't wanna help me pack or load my stuff, I had to practically sell everything I owned to get the money to leave because I wanted to leave immediately and he didn't get paid for another week. And when I told him all I was really taking furniture wise was my bedroom furniture, my kids dresser and my mattress, he got pissy and said "I can't believe you're not gonna leave anything for me and my kid to sleep on"!!! I was like REALLY?? Here I a selling everything I worked my ass of to get to LEAVE this shit hole because its what YOU want and you wanna get pissed because I'm not leaving anything for you and your kid to sleep on?? It was HIS choice but as usual, he guilted me and I left it.

I got back to Pa just barely 2 weeks ago and spent a week just trying to figure out WTF happened to my life!!! Then after doing some research I found a book on NPD and when I read it, it was my relationship with him from start to brutal finish. I felt a little better because I had an explanation and I knew now that it wasn't "ALL MY FAULT" as he claimed but I still have problems with panic attacks and crying daily. And I stared to download/read everything I could find on NPD and talking to people about it because I think, in some twisted way, I was looking for something to tell me I was WRONG!! I mean, I had spent the last 2 years being told I was always wrong I think I was just looking for it. Fortunately, so far nothing had told me I'm wrong.......but I still don't feel good.

Anyway, that's my story............positive encouragement/reinforcement welcome!!!

Well I have more story

So I've been away from my N for almost 3 weeks now. The first week was brutal because I was still trying to figure out what the hell just happened to my life. As I started researching and came across this disorder I felt a little better. Then when I talked to a friend who said she KNEW he treated me differently behind close doors, I had another "ah ha" moment and figured I would feel even better........but sadly, I still am not feeling so great. I did the best I could with the NC because I had stopped calling/texting him but did venture onto his Facebook on occasion (which I know I need to stop) and hadn't had any communication with him in about 9 or 10 days now. It was hard at first but it got better.

Well, last night my room mate and I went out for a bit and I didn't take my phone because it needed to be charged. I went to bed not even realizing I had texts last night and woke up to 2 texts this morning. The first was from him asking me to call him please, the second was from my daughter who still lives with him. I was worried about her text because it said, "whoever is telling you stuff about his Facebook, I'm getting blamed for it". Now I had posted on my Facebook several days ago after having that conversation with my friend who saw through his facade that I felt vindicated in a way. I didn't mention names or go into specifics just that someone other than me saw through his bullsh*t!! So I immediately start texting my daughter because I wasn't quite sure what she was talking about. She proceeded to b*tch at me because she's getting "blamed" for being my "stool pigeon" or some garbage. So I asked her WHO was "everybody" that's blaming her and she wouldn't answer my questions. She just kept asking how did I know the things I knew and so on. Well the conversation really went nowhere. So then I sent him a response telling him that we didn't need to "talk" because I was sure I already knew what it was about.

Anyway, that was a mistake because he texted me for 6 hours going on and on about all different things. Initially it was the "Facebook spy" then when he got done lol'ing about that and after I told him I wasn't gonna say who saw through him he jumped to my kid's birthday which is in 2 days. He said he had sent my kid a gift and wanted to call and say happy birthday to him. I told him the gift was a nice gesture but that I needed to send it back. The next thing I know, he's calling and calling and I didn't answer. So then he starts texting again, calling me "pathetic" & "selfish" saying that I was being mean to my kid because since "he didn't want me I will keep my kid from him" and saying its "all about you" (meaning me) and I was just like WTF. I told him it was a nice gesture but did NOT want my kid holding on to him in ANY manner, because I don't. My kid has been tortured and abused right along with me for the last 2 years and now needs counseling for anxiety thinks his teachers.........and he's only 9.

So then the conversations shifts back to the Facebook spy because my stupid a$$ told him he needs therapy and on and on and on it went!! At some point he told me its "sad cuz he still loves me" and he just sucked me in over and over! I kept responding like an a$$.

He later starts telling me, after HE told me he was "done talking and to leave him alone" that he's going to find someone else willing to help him", "someone to be there for him like he was for me", someone to "help keep the house clean and keep his son so he doesn't have to rely on his mama so much" and make sure the "bills are taken care of". I was like wait a second......."help keep the house clean"?? I was the ONLY PERSON that did clean that house! He made me feel like I was just a lazy mooching slob that wouldn't cook, clean or do anything which I found ironic because that was the exact same thing he told ME about his ex........he didn't really like it when I threw that back at him.

See, his kid and his "bills" were things we fought frequently about. He took custody of his kid without even discussing it with me and I refused to watch his child because I didn't go down there to be his babysitter!! Plus he really pissed me off by taking custody in the first place without as much as a discussion about it. According to him, his ex (the kids mom) was bat shit crazy and I was NOT being accused of ANYTHING. Not to mention that any time I did say something about that spoiled monster of a kid, HE would fight with me. And even tho I told him he can't do that in front of the kid or he'll never listen to me, he still did it. Another reason I didn't want to watch the kid. Then there was his "bills". His mama, paid his bills for him. I mean, it was HIS money but she handled all the bills and wrote the checks (cuz her name was on the account) and he wanted ME to do that. He said if I wanted his mama less involved in our lives (because she was so intrusive) that I should take over his finances and I refused. He said that his bills and his kid were the only reasons she was so "intrusive". I told him he's a grown man and needs to pay his own crap, which he didn't like.

So anyway, the end of the conversation (texts) ended pretty much with his saying I "ruined another one of his days" and "love or not I should F off". And now after so many days trying to recover and heal, and steps I had taken forward, I just got knocked back about 10!! And my 18 year old daughter who is still living there is now turning this all back on me.........I swear when I was talking to her today it could have been him the way she was talking. Saying things like, I "made him change" and how "he did everything for me" and I was dumbfounded!!! I mean, I knew he had swayed her to his side more than a year ago but it seems now she's totally there and I have no idea what happened or if I should be worried. I was talking to her early yesterday and told her to look up this disorder and what I thought about the disorder and him. Her comment was it sounded like both of us........and I was wondering did I start picking up his tendencies?? Ugh!!

Anyway, I feel like over just been kicked in the guts again and wanted to vent.........

Thanx for listening.........advice would be greatly appreciated

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