tongajungle's story

Please read this, distraught! :(

Hi All:

I am new here to the forum. I med my narc at xmas, I had a party at my house and invited an ol' male friend I haven't seen in a long time, he wanted to bring a friend so he brought narc w/him. I liked narc right away, he was tall, blonde, blue eyes Latvian dude who looks like Brett Michaels, he was nice and cute too. We became Facebook friends after the party. About 2 months later we started talking on facebook, I talked to him first which totally goes against my rules but I was entertaining myself because my husband had just left me for another woman. I "invited" him down (again my move) and he was happy to visit me. From the beginning we were drinking together then got intimate, then that cycle began and he moved in about a month later. He was stuck at my friends house before moving in w/me not able to find work, I live at the shore in NJ so summer was starting thus many new jobs. I got him a job (boy just everything on a silver platter eh?), made meals, drove him everywhere oh yeah now he's an illegal alien too no papers, doesn't talk to his mother or half sister in Latvia (hates the mother). I would have married him too because I loved him and would have 'fixed' everything (I know, I know you don't have to say it...) Not until I found this page and an article by Sam Vaknin (Do narcissists really hate women?) that I was dealing with a narcissist. The relationship in the beginning revolved around drinking and screwing basically and I was having a fantastic time and he was driving me crazy w/passion. We would talk for hours and hours night after night without the TV on even so I was sure that I may have found my true soulmate here. Everybody likes this guy. Girls, guys, everybody. He's unique. He looks unique and because he is a foreigner as well, unique. After a few months we had some arguments he did hit me once and blamed it on me because I was drunk and pushed him, I actually overlooked that too which is unbelievable. Anyway, about a month into his moving in he was binge drinking, one time did it for 3 weeks straight and only ate twice. I would wrestle bottles of Jack from him and pour it out. He would tell me I'm an alcoholic too but I was just a wknd warrior, I would get trashed then sober up the next day, he would keep going. I told myself that if he didn't do anything for my upcoming bday that I would get rid of him because if he didn't get me a card or present that would prove to me that he really didn't love me. He didn't get me anything on my bday but I still kept him. I ended up ruining my own bday party by getting drunk and being rude to my family and bff and they were mad so I quit drinking all together. I now have 2 months sober and am determined never to drink again. The past three months (I just threw narc out a week ago) narc has been drinking and drinking and his job got him down to working only 2 days a week. During this whole fiasco I had told him I loved him, tried to get him to get some ambition in life instead of sitting on the sofa and playing on the computer and drinking, loving him, caring for him, giving him my best. In return I got passive agressive behavior. If he didn't want to hear me telling him to get up and get moving because it's 1pm in the afternoon and he's just sleeping his drunk until he wakes up to drink more he would literally just lay there with his eyes closed pretending i'm not there. He did this quite often. I would talk to him and he would close his eyes and ignore me like I"m not there. Please if anyone has any input on the closing eyes thing I would really love to hear it. He had his own room at my house, didn't want to sleep with me because I snore (so he says). He would lock himself in his room and drink. He even said once "well if you set an example by not drinking then I most likely will not drink either", that lasted about a week or two then off he went again boozing. The only time we ever had sex was when he was drunk. The only time he put his arm around me or held my hand or did anything a guy in love would do like grab my ass or whatever would be when he's drunk. Yes, every morning he would get up and kiss me good morning and kiss me good night every night or when he's leaving/coming from work but that was IT. It took me alittle while to realize that he would only touch me when he was drunk. When he was sober he would not touch me at all, night after night we would sit on separate couches and I tried to have countless conversations with him about "where are we" in our relationship and his only answers to most of my questions were "I don't know". He would try to make it seem like he didn't know if he could trust me because I am a different person when I drink so he says, which I am but instead of being supportive, he was witholding affection and support from me to keep me in check. I had an intense feeling of complete and utter FRUSTRATION with him most nights when I wanted a cuddle or sex - I ALWAYS WAS THE ONE TO INITIATE SEX ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS. I am leaving out most of what I thought were positive things in our relationship (things that kept me hooked) because there is no point in making the post longer than it has to be I just want to pinpoint the problems so that I can get feedback. I was in love with him because he gave me enough of himself where I thought he had "potential" if only given a break, I thought he was just down on his luck in life and with a little love would be a great partner gosh was my head up my ass or what. So anyway, I am active in my church, I'm in a band, I work a corp job, have my own home, I'm an artist and a painter and I love to salsa dance so I have my outlets it's not like narc was my only focus in life. Well, for the past two months we have not had any sex at all. I have not drank and he has been drinking and witholding affection. Not contributiing to the household, not doing housework, not helping, just laying around so it was really getting to me. He went on a 3 day binge last week and last Monday it was 1pm and i went into his room and said I wanted to have a talk with him, he just wanted me to leave him alone. He knows too that he can't blame me for any drunken behavior anymore because I don't drink so haha jerkoff. He kept saying "get out of my rooom, leave me alone, I'm not bothering you" etc. Bottom line is this guy actually believes that I am supposed to work 40+ hours a week, pay all the bills, buy all the food, take him to and from work, buy him cigarettes when he runs out, not show me any affection or respect for that matter, put up with his ignoring me, his non amibition, his non humility, his arrogance, and not expect anything from him whatsover, just leave him alone to drink himself to death in his locked room. Nice huh? So I just saw red. We had been thru this many times before. I said, "You either get up off your ass and come out to the livingroom and have a conversation with me or GET OUT!". He closes his eyes. I walk out of the room. He doesn't move. I go back into the room and he says "just leave me the fuck alone!!" so I walked around the bed and started tipping the mattress to spill him out and was yelling now "Then just GET OUT!!! GET OUT NOW!!!". (how dare I question or raise my voice to him I know he was absolutely boiling)-- So he got up, put the clothes on his back and walked down the street out of sight. I had been working from home that day so continued working then had band practice until 10 pm. When I got home he still gone. About an hour later I noticed he was sleeping in the chair on my patio so I was watching him from the second floor. After I went to sleep, I thought I had locked all the windows he slipped in (drunk of course) and went into his room. I got up, went downstairs swung the door open and started yelling at the top of my lungs, 'JUST GET OUT, GET OUT NOW!!!" It starled him and he went to the LR (looking for his ipad that I bought him and he didn't yet pay me for I had already hid it he wasn't getting that), I yelled again "get out now!" so he called me a fucking cunt punched the door and went back outside. I locked the window and went to bed. Forgot to mention that when he was out that day I saw his sexting conversation he had w/some slut on the computer too so as he was going out the door I said, "Why don't you call XXXXXXX - she'll suck your D***! and I slammed the door, that's when he punched it" lol I was so glad he knew that I knew what he had been doing. Oh it gets better. So anyway when I got up the next morning Mr. Pathetic was sleeping in the back yard with the grill cover over him, I"m sure he felt like crap and all hung over. I went out to take out the trash (as I ALWAYS DID) and he woke up and tried to follow me back into the house I said, "Oh no, you wait here, I'll bring your stuff out to you" so I packed all his stuff (4 garbage bags and a tote) and brought that out to him on the patio, he sat there with his crap for about 10 hours before someone picked him up. I don't know who picked him up because I left him sitting there when I went to band practice when I came back he was gone. So, now I go to the ipad to tinker with it and see what he's been up to. In June I had noticed a girl put a pic on his page with his arm around her at his new job at a bar I got him, I just figured it was a tourist I didn't think much of it but remembered her name. Anyway I see that on the computer she sent him an actual porn video of herself as she was still donning her wedding ring. Wow. My heart just about lept out of my chest at that one. Then other mails of him sending pics of his unit to her and other girls too. I called the chicks husband the next day and told him. I wanted my narc to know that I know what he did. Messenger was open on the computer too so I see narc messaging the girl saying "Hi baby, it's done I don't live there anymore" (He NEVER EVER CALLED ME BABY). The husband told the wife he knew etc so the next message from her to my narc on the messenger was "DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN. YOUR "GIRLFRIEND" SENT MY HUSBAND MY VIDEOS. YOU ARE A LIAR AND A DRUNK. FUCK OFF". So turned out my narc told her he was living with a friend. Nice. My narc knows that I saw the videos and all the emails because he deleted them all and then changes his password so I'm very glad he knows that I know. Just a week prior I tried having one of my heart to hearts with him again and he came to me, put his arms around me and said, "It's all going to work out you will see", I said, "Do you mean it's all going to work out when we break up?" and he said "No, that is not what I mean", so I looked him square in the eye and said "I trust you", and he said "Thanks". I thought he needed to work out some stuff but I see he got his video two days before my birthday and he and this woman had over 30 video conversations together and numerous voice coversations etc, the last was less than a week before I threw him out so HOW DARE HIM. You know when I went to band practice and he was still out on my patio outside, had been outside with no food for almost 24 hours I ALMOST took pity on him, I was feeling bad and was considering stopping to get him a happy meal or something it was painful to have him sitting there with his whole non life piled up around him, pitiful but I stuck to my guns so when I went back home that night he really was gone. He only made one post to his facebook and that was "Leave my friends alone you stupid cunt". I have not responded, called, texted nothing and do not plan on it. I know he is still at his job prob living nearby but it will not be long before his job ends in a few weeks (making maybe $120 a week which is NOTHING in this region or any other region in this country for that matter) and these kids he's living with (he's 43 years old) newlyweds from what I gather IF he is with them will tire of their non-privacy and then will see he's out of a job, I don't know what they will do with him but I'm sure his drinking will be apparent to them then after that either he will latch onto another girl (that's how he gets by I think because he's really cute) but I don't know. I know he is one of God's children and my soft side feels bad and I hurt for his treatment of me but I love myself more and was not about to put up with that crap anymore so here I am. Any and all feedback appreciated. :) Thanks.