Trying to hold it together. Need sanctuary from myself and my thoughts.

I have been dealing with this for so long I just don't know when I will find the strength to leave it all behind me. Have been with him (not living with) for 6 of the saddest years of my life. On many occasions I have ended the relationship(facade) but he always came back and I accepted it because I thought he loved me and cared for me but since joining this website and understanding the ways of a narc I now see I should have stayed away. On many occasions I felt strong enough to do so but believed him when he said he intended building a decent future for me and would even be able to "help your Children,"financially that is. He dragged me back in. I have previously explained that he took money from my divorce settlement to start a small business but didn't put any effort in and it never really got off the ground. He has played on every insecurity of mine over the years and I currently feel the lowest I have felt in a long time.

I am isolated and I feel like I am failing at everything in my life. I have two wonderful children(thankfully not his), now teenagers but feel I am failing them by not being fully present in their lives, let alone my own. I work, don't smoke, drink very little and don't take any drugs. I am just trying to keep everything together until I get past this hell he has put me in.

I have not seen him for almost 4 weeks but have sporadically spoken to him on the phone. Mind games galore, I'm not sure why this recent punishment cycle began but I am finding it really difficult this time. I will be fifty next year and feel it's too late for me to have a good life. Wish I could be uplifting for you all but just can't.