Sad

Sad
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Well, I found out that a female that I thought was one of my best friends is actually a Narc. Not only am I almost divorced from a N/Psychopath freak, now her. I am sad because I have/had been friends with her for over 15 years. I guess the mask is off now, isn't it? After seeing how she used me last summer, and watching her discard four decent guys in the past year and 1/2, it is sad because it seems like it just happened to her, although I am sure it was always in her to do this. She was married for 17 yrs, but after he took off for someone younger, new baby, better job, etc, my friend went off the deep end. She is desparately trying to hook yet another guy (god help him) and did she ever devalue me the past couple of days. Well, good thing I know about this crap or it would get to me worse. At least, after being on this site for a few months and also dealing with my phsycho ex N, I can deflect what she says and look at it with more distance. Now I feel sorry for her kids - I hope her daughter doesn't end up like her. But, as Hunter has said before, if you listen closely, they tell you who they are and I have heard her tell me who she is over the past few months. Guess I'll add her to my NC list.

no more an echo's picture

My 'Narc-dar' is Working Better These Days!

Dear oceangirl,

It really doesn't matter if your longtime girlfriend is a full blown Narc or is just displaying some heavy-duty Narc behavior.

If she is devaluing you and your relationship is like a one way street (you do most of the giving and she does most of the taking) then maybe it's time to distance yourself.

I have a sister that I also suspect is a Narc (or at least has MANY Narc tendencies!) Either way, I've distanced myself because the relationship is not good for me. I've known her all my life and when I was protecting myself from her mistreatment a couple of years ago, I didn't use the word 'Narcissist' to describe her (nor did I need to). I just had had it with her over-the-top sense of entitlement, her 'my way or the highway' bulldozer tactics and her lies (among other things).

I do have to say, though, that my 'Narc-dar' is working better these days!

Hunter's picture

Hark Hark.. There are plenty

Hark Hark.. There are plenty of female Narcs..

Hunter

oceangirl's picture

Oh I know. You just never

Oh I know. You just never expect someone you thought you knew. At least I know now. Somehow it was a gut feeling as well. Funny how that is.

Gso88's picture

Ya that is a rough situation

Ya that is a rough situation to be in, knowing someone that long and seeing them in the "light" for the first time can be disappointing. My ex partner at work has several very N-ish traits (which is very common in my profession). I'm not going to go on a witch hunt and call him a straight up narc but I am very very guarded and I have this site and these members to thank for the support and motivation to learn and push forward (ok shameless self story time over).

I'll play devils advocate here and say this, is it possible your friend is lashing out negatively because of the negativity in her life. While you might not realize that a person has N qualities or is a Narc until you learn about it, you have known this person for 15(?)+ years (I think it was 15... I'm typing on my phone and can't look :/ ) you might have picked up on the negativity before even if you didn't know what it was.

Like I said I'm only playing devils advocate here, you know the situation and I don't, I just wanted to give you something to think about. I know that I have to make a conscious effort not to point and shout Narc at any female who takes an interest in me (I was seeing Narcs around every corner, behind all sorts of smiles, makeup, dresses, etc... )

Again ***DISCLAIMER*** I'm not recommending you stay friends with a narc and I'm not saying you are wrong! Just want you to be on your guard for Narcs but also on guard against yourself!

Take care!
-Gso

Goldie's picture

I was thinking the same thing as GSO

It is highly unlikely that a friend could keep you in the dark regarding a PD for 15 years, unless what you are saying is that you saw it all along and now that you have awareness, you know what it is.

However, if this friend was a good friend for 14 years and is only exhibiting these traits due to a huge life change due to her Husband's abandonment of her, then this is what you would call "situational" bad behavior and NOT a PD. A PD is part of a person's internal makeup and does not come and go to this extent.

You obviously have the choice to let her go, regardless, due to bad behaviors.

God bless,
Goldie

oceangirl's picture

Goldie and GSO, Thank you

Goldie and GSO,
Thank you both for the comments! Maybe she always had these behaviors, but during the better time that I knew her, her life was more stable and happy. She has been divorced since 2007 and has been thru several guys. It is always the guy's fault, although she knows she sabotages relationships. You are right GSO, that sometimes we would have the tendencey to beware around every corner. I do know that not all men are Narcs and not all females are either. I always knew my friend argued with her ex-husband and that she claims he is a sociopath. I am not sure what he is, except that he did cheat on her numerous times. So that in itself is bad. Goldie, for right now I am not contacting her after she devalued me a couple of times recently very harshly. So sad, because I miss hanging out with her. It is just better for me not to think about what she is doing in her life because it was sucking me in too much.
You both have great words and, Goldie, that is actually such a good thing, that I have a choice, that we all have choices.
Have a great day!

Oceangirl