Harper03's Story

Sharing my story and wondering if he really is a N?

Sorry this is so long. So much has happened with us.

Five and a half years ago I thought I met THE guy. He was good looking, CHARMING and intelligent. At first I was reluctant because he seemed as if he needed "tamed" and I wasn't up for the challenge. He was a college athlete and had quite the female following, which he seemed to love. But, he was chasing me and eventually his uniqueness and sense of humor won me over. We had great conversations and he told me things he only told people he really "trusted." We started to get closer and more serious within weeks. However, he had two ex girlfriends that always seemed to come into the picture. One "normal" and one "crazy." He talked about the "normal" one as if he still harbored some feelings for her. The "crazy" one would show up at bars and act out in some sort of way. Yet he never wanted to leave because he had a right to be there even though she would almost always react to him being there in negative ways. She would also contact him a lot. Looking back, who knows if he was contacting her, too. Possibly leading her on or not letting her move on by keeping just enough contact to give her hope like she would claim.

We moved quickly… Moving in together only months after meeting. We were spending so much time together. It was almost a need to see each other. He talked about our future and made me feel a love and closeness like I had never experienced in any other relationship before. He made me feel special, like we had a different type of love and that nobody was like us. But, he would go out without me, drink a lot and ignore me. There were shady lies/behavior, incidents or rumors I would catch him in or hear about… All would conveniently have an excuse, reason, story or someone was lying or the girls were crazy. The rumors were due to "who he was" not what he did because people liked to talk about him. During these times he would run hot and cold with me, often visiting friends and not calling for 1-2 days, only text messaging me. Sometimes he would go longer without contacting me but would call me when his trip was over like nothing happened.

I became his servant, waiting on him hand and foot, tired or sick. He made me feel like he needed me but in reality he was using me. I also soon realized a lot of the things he promised weren't happening. He was great at telling me how much he loved me and he was affectionate, but that was all he ever did to make me feel secure about us. He never went out of his way and always put everything and everyone else in front of me while I was left out or put into unfavorable situations where I had to make the best of them. I was the one making the huge effort, slowly giving up my life and conforming to him and his needs and his life. I began to lose hold of who I was and what I wanted out of life. I convinced myself that is what happens in relationships but looking back it was a way to "keep" him. I spent a ton of money on him and paid for the majority of everything. Even though he was fully capable of helping out more. He had no problems spending my money.

I rarely questioned him in fear I would make him mad and he would find another girl. I felt so wanted by him but easily disposable at the same time. I also knew questioning him more would only lead to him reasoning, rationalizing, making excuses and always telling me I was misinformed, insecure or flat-out wrong. He never was held accountable for his actions so it was hard to have a discussion with him that involved anything he might be doing wrong, including his bad, HURTFUL behavior. I became more AWARE of his womanizing ways and was constantly worrying about him when I wasn't around.

He never wanted anything to do with my friends and came across as arrogant at family functions, rarely talking more than he had to and he almost always had to be spoken to first. Things started to become more strained. I could see a change in him towards me. We finally broke up after a night out and I moved out 2 hours back home. I begged him to come back, he said no that I needed to get it through my head he didn't want me anymore and to get out. Days later he proceeded to tell me I needed to pay my half of the rent and was mad for taking some of MY things out that he needed. He went on with his life immediately, like nothing happened and like I never lived there. It was evident he was flirting (probably more) with a few different girls, judging my his Facebook. I was shocked and hurt after 2 years he basically forgot about me and us. I begged and wrote him many, many emails. Never responded and when he did it was short and never talked about what I wrote. He began to lead me on, ignore me or send me messages as if we were just friends. I would have enough and I would finally ignore him then he would send manipulating emails. He conned his way into attending baseball games with me or a concert, but other than that I barely seen him. This went on for 5-6 months until he decided he wanted to try and make it work.

We did and for a year I drove every weekend to see him. He would go out, usually all through the weekend, with or without me. I would wait for him to get back, often working or watching movies. We rarely had any dates and again I was taking a backseat to everything and I allowed it. At one point I'd had my fill of things and he used his charm and I stayed. At the time I though our "love" would get us through and I began to make excuses for his behavior. But, sure enough a year later things started to change. He was flirting a lot more and wasn't really hiding his behavior as well as he did before. I heard of incidents of his behavior on a vacation with him and asked him about it. It proceeded into a huge argument and he told me I ruined his trip. When we got back he told me that our plans of moving in together 3 days later (he was moving for school purposes 45 minutes away from where I was currently living) weren't going to happen because he didn't know what he wanted. He then was scarce for the next month, but still leading me on. A family member got sick with cancer and he started to warm up to me again, even insisting on being in the room, with my entire family, when we said our goodbyes. A few days later she passed and he told me he wasn't busy so I could drive to see him if I wanted. He then left me after the burial to go out to party down in his previous college town. He told me he couldn't be there for me every time I cried and was upset. He also questioned why I would want to go out after just burying a relative when I was only begging him to go with him because I didn't want to be alone. He ignored me all weekend, only getting a few text messages here and there. Then he called me on Sunday on his way back home like nothing happened.

I made a huge mistake and spent the next weekend with him. It was great. However, the following weekend he was supposed to spend my birthday with me and he chose to go to his previous college town again because he didn't think he would have fun and didn't want to hear me "bitch" all night because HE stayed out late the night before and didn't leave to spend the day with me like he said he would. So I was upset. He broke up with me that night then took it back and then ignored me again most of the weekend until he was driving home again on Monday. He called like nothing happened. The following weekend he charmed his way into my good graces again and I spent the weekend with him. He got extremely drunk and told me he didn't want to see me on my birthday because he couldn't stand me and I had nothing interesting to say. Then he criticized a gift I bought him. The next morning he was sorry because he was drunk and didn't mean that. Again, he told me he didn't know what he wanted then hours later he said he wanted us to work. So, I went back again. He had some hold over me and I lived for him. I didn't know what to do without him so I went back… Still thinking our love was different and it would all work out.

Things were great with us, actually. Then I found out from a mutual friend he cheated on me when my relative was sick and dying and on my birthday. He denied it then changed his story a few times. He finally said he saw her once alone and that was it, that nothing happened. I believed him but my trust issues came back. I ended up staying with him and moving in. He proposed to me months later, after telling me how serious he was about me and he wanted to spend his life with me. After we got engaged he went to the old college town once more, lied about his whereabouts after the bars like he had done so many times in his past. We worked though it but I started having more trust issues and he would always dismiss them like they were my issues and I needed to forget the past and what happened. He never could discuss things in a "normal" matter. He would just say nothing happened, get over it.

Our engagement lasted only 4 months. During this time he told me how much he was in love with me, how sure he was about me, he told me he loved watching me sleep because I was so cute when I did, etc. He talked about insurance polices for wives and kids, having babies, his love for me, how much he missed me when I wasn't around and that he was obsessed with me weeks and days (up until the day before) he ended things. He had to go home for a week and his mood eventually changed and he ended things on the phone with me. He said we had nothing in common, nothing to talk about and that I would never let go of his past. He also proceeded to tell me (through email because he couldn't meet me in person because it was too hurtful or talk on the phone because things were too emotional) that he never felt great about the engagement, he was confused about his feelings for me but then said love wasn't the issue and we had a lot of problems and when he realized I wasn't going to be long term he thought he wasn't doing any favors by staying. I changed my number immediately after we got off of the phone. I had to move out AGAIN with him basically not caring. He did cry when he ended it which is RARE because he rarely shows ANY EMOTION like that to anything. I also did start pulling away and stopped waiting on him hand and foot because I was emotionally and physically tired. But, I couldn't bring myself to leave.

I do not know if he is a narcissist or if he is just that uncaring. I feel like a shell of myself and am so upset and do not know where to start because my life was his life. I can't even think about what I enjoy in life anymore so I was so consumed with him. I am also confused as to why I am grieving a relationship that was so one-sided and grieving a man who erased me from his life again, without warning.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story!