Hostile "Support"

Right now the only emotional support I have in life off the computer is that of my mother. Someone I am open to telling all of my personal issues to, that is.

She's very giving and she's the kind of person who will go out of her way for anyone, however, she's not very emotionally supportive when it comes to how I'm dealing with and trying to work through the abuse I went through with my ex-N.

It's been nearly a year since our breakup (he broke up with me in early May of last year) and I am still plagued by all of the things that happened not only throughout the "relationship" but AFTER. He continued on with smear campaigning and all sorts of things.

I finally wrote HIM off by deleting and blocking him from everything, to his surprise. He didn't see that coming. So I haven't had ANY form of contact with him since July/August of last year. He does still hover and peep on one of my journal accounts, though. I have a tracker that picks up viewers and he's one of them that looks in often. That it in itself adds more to my confusion.

Anyway, I still need someone to talk to about the things that go through my head on a daily basis. I know he's with someone new (as I wrote in other forums here) among other things. And there are so many things I am still confused by. Yes, I still need to ask certain things again, and again. I talk "out loud" when I have a conversation and I get analytical about details to try to make sense of most things, if I can, hoping that will finally help in bringing me peace and keeping me seeing clarity.

I am having a trying time establishing step 4 -- getting real.

Some days I'll have the greatest clarity about who he truly is and why he did all of the horrible things he did, that he fits being an N to a science literally, but more days than not, I am in a state of confusion, totally unable to trust myself and not knowing reality. I will then go back and doubt all the clarity I saw and battle myself with analysis and self-blame (for everything going wrong with him and feeling like this new person is better than me in every way).

So that's when I look toward my mother for conversation on the matter. Hoping she can be an objective voice during those struggles...a reassurance.

Sometimes I'll be able to carry on a normal conversation about everything but her reaction is to mostly take -everything- personally when I question her responses. She feels offended when I question her statements of him being an N, that he's mentally ill, and that HE is the problem. But I don't question her to offend her or insult her intelligence. It's not about her, it's about trying to get back to the path of understanding she's able to lay out in those conclusions. To pick her mind and comprehend. I do this as a way to detail the situation or find out why she might think very differently than I do.

She gets very emotional, even hostile at times, plays word games, goes off subject, makes up things that she has to do so I'll leave her alone, gets loud to attract attention so my father will come in and they'll be no more privacy, implies I MAKE myself suffer, or that I should just be able to "let go," that it's been nearly a year, that "if he (ex-N) only knew how you were acting he'd be so smug," that "he doesn't know it but he was right about you hanging on. You cut him off but you DO still hang on!"

She says things to me that make me feel shittier than before...like she's on my N's side ("if only he knew!" "he certainly was able to get to you!")...like I'm some big fucking loser who just can't get on with life and after all that happened, I should just magically be able to tell myself, "let go!" and that will solve all of my problems, get rid of the PTS affects, the negativity, the lingering pain, the self-doubt, and everything else that goes along with all of this. And again, I feel at those moments, the N is some fucking god who even has my mother under some spell of adulation about his skills of manipulation and abuse.

I makes me feel furious when she talks to me this. Furious as well as pathetic, shitty, and defeated. And no point in telling her how I feel because she ALWAYS turns it around to be about her. "Well how do YOU think I feel when you talk to me about this stuff? I have more problems than you realize but no one cares about me and my problems. You think I am happy! Look what You do to ME!"

I like I'm going mad when she does this shit. I've got no ground to stand on because I can't "win" some sudden competition of who has it worse when all I wanted to do was talk to her about how the abuse still affects me. I can't just keep everything inside when I suffer the way I do with doubt and confusion. I'm alone and it's painful. She won't sympathize with this. She'll turn the conversation to herself. It'll feel futile to talk to her at this point so the "conversation" ends to her satisfaction.

I continue to feel alone like my ex-N is a true winner. Even I can't talk to others about what I went through. Even now I have to "shut the fuck up" and just "get over it" as he implied when he lied and cheated on me repeatedly. I felt SO fucking alone when he did all of that and he made sure he could NOT be exposed by smearing my name behind my back.

My mom claims she knows what it's like to be a victim, to be abused (I firmly believe my father is an N and they are still married and live in the same house), but her responses to me are almost abusive in themselves. NOT emotionally supportive and understanding.

I feel devalued when I walk away from the conversations...and less of a person. And I am left bewildered by her hostile behavior and dismissal. Again I feel as I am losing my fucking mind. Almost like the same shit I went through with my ex-N, in a sense.

Does anyone here experience these sorts of reactions from others who are supposed to be supportive of you or tell you that you CAN talk to them?