Cindy's story

Cindy's story
0

It's been almost 4 months since my husband left without warning. In these last few months I've come to realize just what he is, a narcissist with sociopathic traits. With the help of my friend who is a Psychiatrist she has really shed some light on just how unhealthy he is. He immediately moved in with a girl once he realized I had stood my ground on the verbal abuse he slammed me with at the end of November and quickly moved on with a girl he works with. I've read a ton on narcissism and things make perfect sense but it's the closure for me that I'm stuck at. I just can't even to this day still believe he did this to me and to us.. I didn't see it coming at all and despite understanding just how sick he is I just can't wrap my arms around it. The future we planned, all of what I thought was real was not real at all. It feels awful and I feel empty all the time. I know it's for the best but why it hurts so much and why I can't seem to move on is terrible. My friends just don't understand it and tell me to move on but that is easier said than done. Hopefully sharing with others who have been there will help.

NarcSurvivor1's picture

I understand

I was with mine for four years and within 3 months he tells me he is in a committed relationship and can't be in contact with me and I feel like you...stuck. No one gets why it hurts so much. The rejection weighs like a rock on my chest. Today I had a male friend take out of my house all the things he gave me when he was pretending to be the perfect man for me. . .played all my buttons. I think you are still in shock mode. If you're like me, you may be suffering a little Post Traumatic Stress. When I initially told him to f*** himself I was feeling good but then I remembered things about him that I haven't found in someone else. But what I have to keep telling myself is how he is not a real person. He just lies and manipulates to get his own way. This is such a pervasive problem in their minds they can't think straight. Keep breathing - cry like mad, journal. If you have kids, it's hard to not put on a front for their sake. But find any outlet you can to get it out. That's what I'm doing and it helps. Sorry for your pain. But I get it. I'm there, too.

Cabo's picture

Gut wrenching

It really is sickening and I have come to the acceptance phase that it really is over, I knew it was over but it takes awhile for it to really sink in. I worked with him a few years ago so I had a false sense of trust. In hindsight and as I journal back, there were red flags --EXTREME jealousy that was so outrageous I insisted on counseling before we could go on. I should have walked right then. Bad sign when you have to seek counseling less than 6 months into a relationship. I just felt that he had every quality I was looking for except for that. Little did I know it was all a big act. We were engaged shortly after that and married that first year. Not a good idea. Another thing I turned the cheek on was the drinking and looking back I don't think there was ever an outing or a day that he didn't drink. Lots of work to do on myself and I'm reading a book "How to Spot a Dangerous Man before you get involved" by Sandra Brown. There is a workbook that goes with it. I have to look at the patterns in my past and try to fix me. I would never have allowed a friend to treat me the way he did so I will work on boundaries. After all, isn't your partner supposed to be your best friend???? I had his e-mail for awhile (how I learned all about the OW) and learned all about him and his true character. He started doing the exact same crazy stuff to her and it blew up but she still waivers so I'm sure he'll charm and win her back. The game... Meanwhile while she was gone he picked up some other girl and spent 2 weeks with her. He really is a sick twisted guy. I am amazed at how many women get involved with guys that are married - this one did and I don't care what he told her about me, he was still married and their friendship was clearly developing before he moved in obviously. I'm not saying I'm any angel and I've done some things in my past that I'm not so proud of but I live my life now of doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. As far as I'm concerned his OW gets everything she deserves as she should have known better to get involved. He wasn't hers to get involved with. It's hard to let go and there are times I'm so empty I actually feel sick. The mornings especially are so hard.. Evenings are just lonely. I have read everything I can about this pathology and talk all the time to my Psychiatrist friend about it. I see a counselor and am on some meds to help with the anxiety. I'm taking a drawing class, getting into painting again and working out. Losing the 50lbs I need to lose (lost myself with him) has been a tremendous milestone and I feel really good about that. I'm just trying to reclaim myself again. The minute the divorce is final I will take back my name on all the legal things. I've changed it back on everything I can but some things require the divorce paperwork. Still working on selling the rings. I did sell the center stone of my engagement ring and they gave me the full value of 14K and I traded it for a new ring - my freedom ring. It's just hard despite the fact that I know I'm better off in the end. All the dashed dreams... :( I'm 50 and the chances of finding a "real" man I know are not very likely. So, I need to work on being content with the life I have. Thankfully we have no kids.. Our 3rd wedding anniversary date is coming up on the 25th and that day is going to suck. I'm getting together with friends here and we are going to help one of our friends who is overwhelmed with some life issues so it will be a group clean at her house and help her get organized. I love to clean and decorate so channeling it to help someone else I think is a good way to spend that day. Anyway, sorry for your pain and I'm thankful that this site exists so I don't feel so alone. It just sucks, no other way around it. I just want to feel better.. thanks for the words

rosedewittbukater's picture

Hey Cindy

I am so sorry this happened to you. You are in the right place. You will find lots of support here! It really helps to read up all you can on this disorder. There is tons of stuff out there on the net, and some really good books. Your friends cannot possibly understand unless they have been in an intimate relationship or other very close relationship with a personality disordered individual. "Moving On" is easier said than done but it starts with no contact, or at least the bare minimum where children are involved or legal process. Only then will the healing begin, and that is a process. Trying to grasp that illusion is I think the biggest challenge. To you it was very real, but to a narcissist nothing can be real. Stay strong and keep coming here. Big Hugs, Rose

Cabo's picture

Hi Rose

I guess I should consider myself lucky as he has made no effort to contact. He is overseas for the next year (his choice) and part of our demise in this relationship. He was active duty for 28 years and retired choosing a job that kept him basically in the same type of job. He just could not let go of his identity and the company he works for seems to "validate" him and he feels important. This was supposed to be my last tour on active duty and I was planning to retire in Sept... Not now. This last trip he was extremely distant (he left at the end of Aug) and I had been recuperating from surgery, had a cancer scare and had to have a hysterectomy. All good with that but stressful. Anyway, we had lost a beloved dog early in Nov so I was not trusting of the dog sitter for our upcoming yearly trip to Cabo. He volunteered to stay home as I had my aunt and friends coming. One of our friends came through for us at the end of Nov and he said he didn't want to go, had it in his mind he wanted to chill after being gone 3 months and other excuses. He had also been delayed 2 weeks missing Thanksgiving and my 50th Birthday. Not even so much as a Skype attempt so I knew something was wrong. When I confronted him, he said he was not going to quit this job so basically I said you have chosen a job over me and he said if I wanted to look at it that way. So I said well, living alone here (where I hate) for 6-9 months out of the year for the next several years was not an option. So we were very civil that night writing back terms of separation. Then in the morning he did a 180 and said he would go to Mexico. I had already cancelled his ticket and then the snippy, hateful e-mails started. He then bought a ticket for MX and I told him it wasn't a good idea for him to go and expose this mess to our friends. He then sent a horrible e-mail accusing me of "having someone waiting in the wings" and did we skip the couch and go right to the bedroom like we did and the most horrible thing he said was "guess your plumbing is working after surgery huh"? I had simply gone to dinner with 2 friends. Then the sickeningly sweet apologies, and I'll quit, yada via an e-mail and I told him it was not a good idea for us to talk before I left on the trip. I told him I was completely shut down and needed a break from the roller coaster he had put me through the last few days. He was getting home on Dec 7 and I was leaving the 10th. He had told me earlier that he would not be staying at the house until I left. He then begged me to talk to him before I left but I held my ground. He told think about things while I was gone and not throw in the towel, suggested counseling. I told him to come home, decompress and we would talk face to face when I got back. I got back on the 19th and he had moved - left a sticky note saying he would not be back. When we did meet at the end of the week to talk about divorce he told me then that he'd tracked me on my iPhone for a year (found nothing except that I went to a mall on 9/11 when he told me to avoid them) that he'd been in my e-mail and Facebook again finding nothing. He said the final straw was that I didn't have my rings on when I went to MX and accused me of hiding them. They were in the safe. He fixated on that but when I looked at his correspondence he had told all his friends it was over literally the day he got home on the 7th... All excuses. I didn't find out until a couple of weeks later that he had actually moved in with the new source the very day he got home... I had asked him on numerous occasions if there was someone else... Obviously a "friendship" had been brewing. I looked back at phone bills and he had a 24 minute conversation with her, during the time I was recouping from surgery.. Pretty crappy. I had his email account so I saw all the sick details and calling her the same pet names he'd called me within 4 days of me leaving for MX. It's been a nightmare since. We have no need for further communication except for divorce stuff as it comes up so that is a good thing. He's since changed his login stuff which is good. I saw enough to get to know the "Real" person I had been with the last 4 years. Horrible - not at all the guy I thought he was. It's been really, really hard. The shock is slowing wearing off but I still find myself in disbelief that my life has literally turned upside down in less than 4months. Such loss all the way around for me. No retirement now that is for sure, have to have a secure job so I'm stuck. Sorry for the long reply. Just hard to acknowledge that I was just a pawn, no love, respect - just total lies and deception. He's a really scary guy with a raging temper, extreme jealousy (yet it was him doing everything he accused me of - projection big time) so I'm glad he's not fixated on me. Now to pick up the piece of my life...