Alright, I know I posted earlier about the rough past couple of days. And thank you everyone for your responses.
In that post I mentioned breaking No Contact. Not as bad as direct contact but it was the whole social networking/Facebook "checking up" contact.
Man oh man do I feel dumb. Not only because in a moment of weakness I gave in to more weakness but I feel like I set myself back BIG TIME.
All the old wounds feel reopened, it stings, my chest hurts etc.
I don't know why. I don't know what I was hoping to find, its all old news. Stuff I already knew was going on but now I saw it with my own two eyes I guess.
Its frustrating. I'm just angry in general, at myself for my weakness and stupidity. At her, at him. I feel like I just want to break something. So instead of being destructive I'm typing this out amid all my frustration.
I don't even need responses, I've said all of this stuff before and I know this kinda thing happens. No contact is the only way, time will heal all, just a bump in the road to recovery right...? I just need an outlet, I tried the journal thing, it just doesn't do it for me.
I thought I was past all this bullshit then it turns around full circle and hits me in the face like a baseball bat. The fact that it is all caused by my stupidity and weakness only makes it worse. If I could I would just scream until I couldn't scream anymore
Honestly will this ever end or am I always going to be haunted by memories of the past with the shadows of the mistakes I've made and the horrible judgment calls hanging over me?
I hope not and forgive me if this sounds like whining and anger and sarcasm at the process all wound up into one disgusting post but I HATE feeling so effing helpless at at the mercy of someone else.
Currently relating to this verse and it about sums up everything I feel:
Torn apart at the seams and my dreams turn to tears,
I'm not feeling this situation
try to find a safe place you can hide
It's the best place to be when you're feeling like..
All these things I hate revolve around
Just back off before I snap