After four and a half years where do I begin?? I guess at the beginning. I met my "soul mate" at a party through mutual friends and we immediately clicked. It was like everything I had always dreamed of in a significant other had physically and emotionally appeared in my life. From day one I felt that I was so special because that is the way he went out of his way to make me feel. I am 8 years younger than he is and I have to say that this man was fine and I was completely physically attracted to him. The first months were perfect and I truly felt that God had sent him to me after all the past heartaches and all the prayers, It had happened. I was complete. He had just moved to this area so he stayed with his Mom and had no job and had lost his license a long time ago...OK if we work together we can fix all that. Red flags in hind sight and not to mention that he loved me within the first two weeks. He moved in with me and my kids, I went to work and came home every day to cooked meal, clean house and Hi honey how was your day. He was looking for a job and he stayed on the computer all day. He did get a part time job and when he got a check and got home he was upset, began to yell at me and took off for days. I was shocked and horrified what did I do?? A week later he appears in tears and his job had ended, he had no money and he could not help me financially but he knew he loved me. I let him back in and at that time I had no idea that this was just the beginning. I have no family or friends here because I was new to the area too and now I see he used that to his advantage and the fact that I was completey honest and open and gave him all his ammunition he would ever need to use against me and he did over and over. A year into our relationship he was still up to his old tricks except now he added alcohol and he got physical with me...I had him arrested and pressed charges..of course his mom and his attorney all had a role to play to convince me to drop the charges which I did. When I showed up for court on a subpeona his mom caught me in the bathroom and gave me a card from him. He has the most gorgeous long blond hair and he had cut a curl from his hair and put in the card and proceeded to write how much he loved me and if I had any love for him at all I would just leave the courthouse, his attorney caught me outside and said if you leave now, I can help him. Yep, I left. Charges were dropped but I felt that I had stood my ground and he knew I wasnt going to take the abuse. Wrong! it happened several more times and each time I dropped the charges so the police had no other option than to not believe me. He would go into rages and destroy my personal property with always the promises that it would not happen again and he would replace the items. Sometimes he did replace them only to leave with them at a later time because he bought them. I thought I was crazy, his only response to me after each time was if you hadnt done this, it wouldnt have happened. FOr the next couple of years I walked on eggshells and tried to read his mood. Nothing helped and everytime rent was due or there was a holiday he never failed to take off and sure enough would return once he knew I had taken care of everything and we would have a few good weeks and them bam..he would fly off the handle again. He worked just enough to keep a little money in his pocket and on occasion would purchase food. For this entire relationship all the financial responsiblities fell on me. If I questioned him about rent money he would just take off to his moms house. I could not believe that this was the same man I had allen in love with and it seemed that the more I gave, the more he took and the more he expected. A single mom working for minimum wage does not have alot to offer so I ended up pawning and borrowing money just to make ends meet so I would not upset him with my stress. If everything is good he was happy, If I didnt expect anything we were perfect. I realized that something had to give because I was losing me and had allowed him to totally take over my life. I found this site last year after googling why is it all about him? I was delighted that there was an answer and it had nothing to do with me, which I knew deep down but reading it and stories of others, helped bring my strength to the surface. I began to stand up for myself and slowly pulled away. He sensed this and that gave him more reasons to hurt me. He and I were leaving the beach one Sunday and he wanted to spend the night on the beach, I had to work and we lived 20 miles away and I didnt have the money to do that and he damn sure didnt. Did I mention that he took me to a bar on the beach where some girl runs up to him and hugs him and says come on the partys over here?? I told him I was leaving and he could stay or go. He decided to go and once we got on the interstate it started raining. He was yelling at me telling me that I never did anything for him. I was driving on the interstate doing maybe 75 miles an hour in the rain and he out of the blue grabs the wheel and turns it. My life flashed before my eyes as we went across the interstate in 360 degree circles. When the car finally stopped I could not believe that I was still alive. The cops came, gave me a breathalizer which I passed and got really mad at me when I refused to say what happened.The incident totally messed my car up so it was towed at my expense and I had to get it fixed on my own of course and get a cab home. I ended up missing work the next day anyway. This was the first wake up call but I couldnt let go. He had become such a major part of my life and I knew that good guy I met was still in there somewhere. Weeks later he came back and we did sit and talk and he apologized as usual and again he promised to straighten up and quit drinking. Every birthday he would get mad at me and leave me, every holiday he would leave, but he always came back for his presents...I lived this hell for 4 years and had basically convinced myself I was crazy. I mean come on he told me over and over that he didnt want to leave but he had no choice, I made him want to hurt me and that was just not him...I brought the worse out of him and his own Mom lied and said he had never had any domestic issues before..Now I see where all his troubles began...For the past year there has been no physical violence although he would still rage at me and tear stuff up. I had learned that if I didnt talk back to him he would evidentually stop, of course I had to look at him while he was raging because he demanded it, Out of respect for me look at me in the eyes! Really?? That was so hard to do while he was attacking me verbally in every area he knew was weakness for me. I knew I had to lose this loser and through many tears and heartaches learned I was better off without him, although I still couldnt understand where that guy that loved me had gone. He was totally insane.I recently quit my job and found myself umemployed. He was working for a few weeks and told me he had $500 for rent. I praised his efforts and let him know that I was so glad he was helping as he should. What do you know? I was on the phone with a potential employer and he hands me a note - I will call you later, its been a week and of course he took the money. This cycle ends now. None of his bad behavior happened in front of my kids it was always when it was just us alone. I did see after reading through this site that he is not the only one out there and that concerns me. Had he treated me like this in front of my kids it would have ended a long time ago but it was all part of his plan. Make mama look crazy and he did. Of course I hear from some past co workers that he is out at the bars and feeling all over other women. It hurts still but at least I have my sanity back. I started mentally withdrawing from him about a year ago and am so glad I did to make this tolerable. Obviously it is still with me or I wouldnt be here right? I have learned that I will never be able to explain to myself what his problem is and as the days tick by I care less and less. I am in no contact and have thrown out everything that reminded me of him. Of course music, dancing and all the things I love are a constant reminder but I am determined to get through this. I still find myself feeling like a fool and I have to admit that I allowed him to play me. So now I take that anger that I have for myself and turn it positive. I have accepted a new position in a new field and my goal now is to focus on my new career and my kids and think nothing but positive thoughts. It is a battle within myself but one I will win. I supported him for all these years and stayed faithful to him and my sweetest revenge right now is that I know he will want me back when things go wrong for him because as he says I am all his little pieces,and I was because I cleaned up after every mess he created. Who will do that for him now? I dont know, all I know is that It Will Not be Me.