I was involved with a N for a little over a year. From the stories I have read, I am so thankful that it did not go on longer. We met on the internet and I remember our first date. He was so attentive to every little things. We went and ate Mexican and he picked every seed out of the fresh Hot Peppers just so I would try them and they wouldn't be too hot. He bought us a 10 day cruise for Xmas, we tailgated for Football games. Like in the other stories, it was a worldwind romance. After two months of dating, we started sharing some of our previous relationship stories.(that is where the trouble began) I mistakinly told him that I use to have a friends with benefits, an ex that I use to see, but I cut things off within a week of us dating-meeting one another. AFter a few months of taking things slow (N probably getting rid of past girlfriends), He was always telling me how much he loved me and wanted to marry me and he wouldn't be dissappointed if I got pregnant. But there was just something not right. I knew it in my gut. He wanted to sell his house and pay off mine and I just didn't feel comfortable mixing finances after such a short time. I knew it probably 4 months in. I loved him as well, but he was always accusing me of continuing to talk to my ex and just extremely jealous of this situation. I told him I had cut off all contact with my ex. My ex did call once, just to see how things were going and I told him fine. But to wrap it up. Basically, he was just hateful, cruel to me that I would go see my ex after meeting him. Well we were not committed to one another after a lunch date, even if I did like him. He told me he was leaving to go on a 14 day trip to China within a couple of weeks(at our first date) and how was I to know that I would even hear from him again. Well there were numurous breakups, he didn't like me going out with my girlfriends dancing, so I quit going out to places that he wouldn't approve of. But then it was like he got enraged even if I was eating with a girlfriend and didn't answer the phone. He just couldn't stand it if I wasn't a phone call away. We spent 24/7 together after about the first 6 months, so there wasn't many times I wasn't with him. He stayed over at my place some times and he actually went through my things. Found an old letter I had written to my ex several years prior. He was livid. He is a police officer and I thought that maybe a lot of his possesiveness and jealousy was due to his job and his cheating relationships he had been in previously. I am not even sure any of the stuff he told me about in his previous relationships was even true, but after one of our last big breakups- we were broken up for a couple of weeks. His good friend, who is a girl, called me. We had become somewhat friends and she would complain about him sometimes. She told me that he went to China with an ex of his, which he had told me he went with a friend, which was male that he use to work with. She also told me that he was dating someone before he went on this China trip and that when he returned this other girl found his camera from the trip and saw some incriminating pictures from his trip. She broke up with him. So apparently taking it slow in the beginning was good for him as well as me ( I hadn't dated in years, except for occasionally seeing my ex). He also apparently went to dinner with this girl a few months after we had been dating at a function he was working and she brought her kids. This is all per his friend. She told me, "he is just not a good person". So all the hell I went throught about my ex and being honest about where things were when we met and here he was lying and not being honest. Of course I could not let him know who told me this, but I confronted him about it, told him a little birdie on FB told me. He claimed that he didn't mention the China trip due to we had just met and it would have been too much to explain and that the other girl and he were really not seeing each other all that regular. So he said all the things I wanted to hear and we got back together. I am 3 weeks nc and it is killing me. I caught him red handed three weeks ago and I saw a side of him I have never seen. He never apologized he didn't call - i had his phone cut off later that day. I am sure he and the OW spent the day on the Lake together, but I hope some of what she saw and me catching him, will make her think. I didn't go crazy, I talked calmly to her. I asked her who she was and how she met him and I knew it wasn't her fault, she claimed he had been lying to both of us, she had only known him a week. He basically, just got up out of bed, scratched his balls and went to the bathroom. I told her that he told me he wanted to marry me and wanted me to have all of his passwords and be an open book, yeah right. I also told her that he told me he was so torn up about a previous realtionship where he had led a double life(engaged to one women and dating another for a few months)and he was so torn up about it, he said he had to come clean with both women. He was so sick about it, that he would never do that again. He said he didn't associate with men that are like that, he just didn't want to even be thought of that way. What a bunch of crap.
I do believe he is definitely a N. His job constantly inflates his ego. His mother got pregnant with him when she was in her mid 40s. With a man that was married and had kids, who would never accept the N or have anything to do with them. He is 39 and both his parents have been deceased for some time. He only has an elderly Aunt and Uncle and a few cousins. So I always felt bad for him. Like I could help or fix him. The last week we were together he was enraged with me and he beat on the dash of his truck and asked me why I wasted his time and why I didn't just let him go months ago if I wasn't going to love him as much as he loved me. I never seemed to be able to do enough. I had moved in with him 6 weeks pior and although our lives had gotten extremely busy, I always felt I loved him and he loved me. We went to church together and I truly thought he was a good person. It is so sad .
I went to his Lake house to bring him breakfast on a MOnday, which is completely out of character for me to call in sick and do something like that, but I did. I had felt so bad that he thought I wasn't caring that I wanted to help him with his boat, cut grass, etc. He had a place in town and a place at the lake. When I got there, that is when I found what I did. I haven't spoken to him since. I said what I said to the girl, said some things to him. He was so cold, basically just looked at me like why don't you just shut up as he closed the door, I told him to go f** himself and that was the last words we spoke.
He sent me an email a week and a day later telling me how sorry he was. He then sent an email a couple days after that asking if I wanted to talk or would I rather not? I haven't responded to either. Now he has called up to my work after we transferred his accounts to another office, which he had before we dated, and wants to switch them back, claiming he will work with someone else in the office. He likes our office and he is not upset with me, but that I am upset with him. Office manager said he sounded like he was having a hard time and felt uncomfortable. Good thing I have known these people for over twenty years and they aren't having it. He will just have to find another office. Why would he want to even to have contact after what he did?
And why can't I shake the sadness? I shouldn't even care. He made his choice and there is no going back. I sometimes feel like maybe I should talk to him and have a closure, because no matter what he says it won't change anything, but who does that help, him or me?