jules's story

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#1 Apr 16 - 6PM

jules

jules's story

Was he a narcissist or is my judgement cloudy?

There are so many great examples and outlines of what a narcissist truly is and how they behave.

A few months ago, I was heavily pursued by a charming, very handsome and well educated man and we "dated" for about 2 months. I am very well educated and I consider myself to be attractive and since my last break up (very long term relationship), I had just made an effort to be single for a while. To get involved with someone was not really on my plan at all, but here I meet this new guy who was so convincing and perfect and made a lot of promises about how he had never felt like this or that he never usually feels anything special when he has met woman and that is why he "knew" he liked me. He literally swept me off my feet. So knowledgeable, sophisticated and gorgeous. He is from a rich successful family too. In short, he could have had his pick of girls, right were he was.

It seemed like a fairy-tale but then ended completely out of the blue and he did this in the most heartless way - by an email, then completely ignoring my calls. He got in touch with me a week later saying that maybe we could talk in person as I was to be passing though his State, but then on the day, he ignored my calls/texts. Now that the dust has settled, I am starting to piece together that this guy might have been a narcissist.

I am very confused. Also in the email, he said things like 'he really liked me, but just not enough feeling' etc. etc. Why would he have even bothered saying this is he was truly narcissist as I thought they didn't have any empathy or feeling. Would he not have bothered emailing at all?? I have been very upset and as he never gave me any closure, I was hoping to find a little bit of comfort or just something to assure me that it wasn't something I did.

HOW THIS ALL STARTED:

We live in different States, so this is kind of a long distance instance. He is in the last few years of a medical residency and met, just out of the blue one night, hung out for a few days, totally clicked, immediate spark and kissed. All very intense but nothing sexual. I want to say right off the bat the I have not slept with this guy. More on that in a minute though. When I returned home after this "too good to be true" perfect encounter, we kept in touch every single day by phone. He was sweet, understanding, attentive and seemed sensitive.

Anyway, to cut a very long story short. He flew across State to see me, we had a good time just hanging out doing coupley stuff, but I did notice a few red flags. I'm just going to list them here, to save a little time. None of this stuff was done to me or said to me but while I was in his company, observed:

*Very image conscious - loved to people watch too
*Said he was amazing at everything - sport, education, arts you name it
*Very cold at times, something he said he had to be because of his job in medicine
*Very impatient, not with me but with staff/waiters - hated lines of any kind
*Said he had slept with at least 20 woman but all short term, never been that interested in any of them, again blaming this kind of on his high pressure career
*Sense of entitlement
*Talked about his friends behind their back
*Seemed to discard ex's and other peoples problems
*Thought people were looking at him because he looked like a movie star
*Selfish about his wishes
*Obsessed with healthy food and his body
*Criticizing me about what my culture would eat or do
*Very easily bored
*Arrogant (maybe part of his career, surgeon, and he did tell me this was something he didn't like, but had kind of learned)
*Didn't believe in God - not that this is a sweeping judgment by me, but what I guess I mean is, he came across as if "unanswerable to no-one"
*Very judgmental about ordinary people - looks, weight, culture, class, clothing
*Always with an opinion and given as a condescending lesson

Ok...even as I type this I am thinking "NARCISSIST", but I want to add some things that are bothering me.

He told me that he thought I was the 'one' and bought me a few lovely and thoughtful gifts. He said he wanted a family and seemed close to his, so I was thinking he seemed sensitive or at least capable of feelings. He spoke to his siblings regularly.

On both occasions over several days and nights, he never tried to have sex with me at all and actually compared to the first night we met when he was very attracted to me, he was not very affectionate at all. When I was trying to kiss him, I just felt unexplained coldness. Although, he would say I looked beautiful and that I was cute and all that. I would not have slept with him even if he had tried but that bottom line is that if you are in a bed sleeping right next to a 'normal' guy you would expect them to try at least something. In a way at first I thought he was being very respectful as I told him my views on casual sex. ie, it's not for me. However, I made it quite clear by being affectionate with him, hugging and kissing etc that I did want to feel at least some desire or passion on his part. He just seemed like he was there in body but completely empty, sort of going through the motions.

Here is the biggest red flag. I got upset one night because all I wanted him to do was to at least hold me till I fell asleep or have some deal of closeness. I got upset and told him, I didn't understand why he had invited me to come stay with him for a week and then treat me like an inconvenience to all of his normal routines - even though he was not at work that week. Anyway, I started crying and I am not kidding, he just stared at me and did not even get up. He didn't say a single word or show any emotion at all. Then just acted like nothing had happened the next day. Trying to be nice to me and say generic sweet things. He made me doubt some of my career choices too and was always offering his opinion which was not in any way informed. I actually started to think I was not good enough in this weird way, I also started to think that maybe I was not pretty enough for him and that was why he didn't want to be close to me at all.

Anyway, after having shared a lot of our hopes, dreams and feelings - talking every day and getting on so well on the phone (talking for like 1-2 hours/laughing etc etc) and visiting each others homes across State, he ignores my texts for about a week and then just emails me that it's over, saying that he was not sure why he felt that way and that he is "very sorry". "hope I am not too sad".

Of course I wanted to speak to him straight away or get some more closure, but no...not a single sense of missing me at all after all of the special things he said he felt about me just 2 weeks before and since we met.

He did introduce me to his friends during our meetings, but he was annoyed they had added me on facebook. He did not want us to become friends on facebook or skype or anything like that. I don't get it. It's not like he was some jerk buttering me up so I would just sleep with him, as he never tried this at all.

I would really appreciate someone offering an opinion here. It's been hard for me this past month to get over this. Also, I feel like my confidence has really dropped and I am doubting myself in areas I don't usually ever question.

Thanks so much,

Jules

#2 May 25 - 11AM

iwill recover

Your judgement was not cloudy

Hi Jules, Your story sounds so much like mine. I dated him for five months. He was successful, handsome, tall, great body, similar sense of humor, fun, adventurous, etc. I met him 4 months after a breakup with a guy I really liked. He wanted to spend so much time with me from the beginning. He would call me often, text me often, email me often. I was the kind of woman who needed her space, but I was also very flattered. I gave into him. During sex, I tried to keep an emotional detachment in case things didn't work out and we went our separate ways. He complained about my detachment saying that we couldn't get close to each other if I was like that, so I gave into him. The sex was great in the beginning. Very loving, tender, gentle, and exciting all at the same time. Anyway things began to change after the first 2 months. I think it was because he realized that he finally had my heart. *Very image conscious - loved to people watch too" Mine said he didn't care about what other people thought of him, but that was a lie. One time I tripped over a broken tile on a step when we were coming out of the subway (in NYC), and all he said to me was " you know you really need to watch where you are going and be more aware of your body". *Very cold at times". When he would yell at me and reduce me to tears he would have this absolutely blank look on his face. like he didn't relate to nor care about how I felt. *Said he had slept with at least 20 woman but all short term, never been that interested in any of them" He told me that he'd been with a lot of women (over 20 of them). I asked him if he'd been with more than 10, he said yes. More than 15, he said yes. More than 20, he said yes. I stopped asking after twenty. He said that he'd never been in love before, but he thought he had been once with a woman he had been with for three years. He told me that she said he broke her heart. He was so emotionally distant and had no remorse as he spoke of their relationship. *Talked about his friends behind their back" He talked badly about his cousin the day after I met her, telling me that she seems nice, but that she was "mean and selfish". This was because she was visiting town and wanted to go out with him to a restaurant that wasn't vegan. I asked him why doesn't he remind her that he can't eat at a place like that. He said, "she should know. I've already told her in the past that I'm a vegan" One time he played back a voice message (on speaker) that one of his male friends left on his phone. The guy was a nervous personality and repeated himself and stuttered. He laughed through the whole message and made fun of stuff the guy was saying to him. *Obsessed with healthy food and his body" I told him from before we met that I rarely ate meat or ate unhealthy foods. He never broke his strict diet ( only certain foods and specific times of day). He would often criticize my food choices at restaurants, and make me feel guilty about what I ate,when I ate it, and how much of it I ate (I'm 5' 6" and weighed 120lbs). *Seemed to discard ex's and other peoples problems" He tried to make me jealous by telling me about an old ex who was calling him. He called her crazy and obsessed for still wanting to be with him a year after they broke up. I wasn't jealous, and told him that I felt bad for her. He looked at me like he was annoyed and disappointed by my response. He also said that he didn't miss his family ( mother, father, sister, etc. over in Scandinavia, I won't say exactly where he was from) because he saw them twice a year. He had a bad relationship with his father as a child, who told him what field he should go into (he did exactly what his father suggested), and was hard on him, and was an unemotional tyrant. His mother was selfish and self-centered and was emotionally neglectful of him. She never consoled him or anything like that when he was upset. He broke up with me after he came back from a vacation he was on for two weeks with one of his guy friends. I couldn't go with him because I had just started a new job. He called me on my lunch break and told me that he thought that we should stop seeing each other. He gave a lot of stupid reasons like " I need someone who understands me, and knows what I want without me having to ask them for it", "We're on different wavelengths", and " You don't understand me, and I don't understand you", and " I've only been in this country for just over a year, and I'm not ready to settle down", and "I need to find the woman who is perfect for me. I want to get married. I'm not getting any younger" I was so emotionally distraught, that i finished up the week of work, but was emotionally unable to go back. There's so much more.

#3 Apr 17 - 4PM

Alibi_10

Jules

No, your judgement is not cloudy. I am glad you made that list of your observations, because it will serve you well to remind yourself that you have had a lucky escape. Your post struck a chord with me completely - I also dated a man who was obsessed with image, was constantly criticising me, was impatient, easily bored, arrogant, scornful of others etc etc - and having told me that I was the best lover he ever had ... the next day he said he wished we hadn't slept together because he just wanted to be friends! He was no better when we were friends, telling me that my life was a mess, that I played mind games, that I was monitoring and manipulating him. If I cried, he would scream at me for being emotional, if I remained calm, he said I was abnormal because I had no emotion. In short - there was no way to win with him, and against my better judgement, I tried and tried to find a way of dealing with him, and by the end of it, was convinced I was going crazy. So ... although you may not have closure, I think it really is a blessing, and you will get all the support you need on here. From reading the other posts in reply to yours - I think you have your answer ... nothing wrong with your judgement. x

#4 Apr 17 - 7AM

Hunter

Jules

Hello, Im sorry you are here. If this idiot was a dog trainer than I'd say it was the same guy. You ran into a disordered individual, stay strong,stay away,and this too shall pass. Read,read,read, once you understand this has nothing to do with you, you will start to feel better. Idealk

#5 Apr 17 - 6AM

kgirl

Welcome to the board Jules

Welcome to the board Jules :) I read your story and I agree that all you described screams NARC for me....I'm so very sorry you were targeted. The other ladies did a great job of breaking things down. One thing I would add....I can see that this guy not making moves on you is a source of pain and shakes your self confidence. But that can be characteristic of a narc as well. They tend to have some sexual hang ups as well. He could be a cerebral narcissist who feels they are above sex....it is dirty, too primal for them. Narcs can also view some women as more the madonna type, which you may have been, and use other women for sex casting them in the role of whore. Hope this helps some as well. Keep sharing....go no contact....we're all here to help. The women on this board are amazing! Strength, peace and hugs ~KG

#6 Apr 16 - 11PM

michele115 (not verified)

Welcome Jules...

I've noted that the ladies have beat me to the punch in responding and all have very eloquently addressed your question; therefore, I will just add that yes, from what I've read it screams... NARC!!! at minimum... Please continue to share, vent and get it out...this will not be an easy ride. I note you've been with us for two weeks...it took a month for it to HIT me...it might not hit you with as much force as it did me; however, early on, we begin to become aware, we read, we learn but the gravity doesn't quite hit home...we can speak the words, we can define a narcissist, learn the typical actions etc...but it doesn't quite hit home just how deeply we've been violated. For that reason, I urge you to keep sharing and keep venting and keep getting it out, as doing this will help lift you out of the fog... I am sorry that you experienced this, but I am a firm believer that if you follow the steps, do the work and really process this and take a critical but kind self inventory...while no one is immune, you will be wiser and hopefully significantly if not completely wipe out the odds of ever going through this again. Hugs!

#7 Apr 16 - 7PM

Steph

I think you are right to be

I think you are right to be be concerned. Several things you have listed scream narcissist or severley narcissistic....both damaging and toxic. He is "amazing at everything he does" and looks like a "movie star" so people must be staring at him?" - lol hmm, nothing like tootin your own horn! He is very "cold" at times because he works in medicine. -I work as a nurse in a trauma ICU. I work with dying people and I work with doctors and residents. Being "cold" is not part of the job description. We can "distance" ourselves from the emotion but still have compassion, but that is not the same as being "cold". You desrribe that he is impatient with waiters/waitresses... - Have you ever heard about the waitress test? How a man treats the service staff is how he will eventually treat YOU. And that is something I can GUARANTEE is TRUE. Talks about his friends behind their backs? - that is telling, I think No interest in others problems and is selfish - again, that is pretty telling of his character. He is focused on him and him only. That's a lack of empathy. Being critical of you, judgmental of others, and condescending - again, speaks of his character. Smells like a narc or personality disorder of some type to me. And when you cried, he showed NO emotion? - that is a backwards reaction. That is a HUGE red flag and also highlights his lack of empathy. You have listed enough things here that make me think for you.....RUN! Far and fast away from this man. He is toxic. It's not you.

#8 Apr 16 - 7PM

Deidre40

First Jules...I'm so sorry

First Jules...I'm so sorry this happened. {{{hugs}}} from far away! Second...YES...he screams NARCISSIST! I'd say the main reason I say that not even going into the list you provided...is that the closer you got, physically...the more he pulled away. Narcs want women to want them. But, that's about it. They don't want real intimacy. They want sex. But, not intimacy. If that makes sense? I think that he did you the biggest favor by leaving you...even though it hurts. He sounds like he has a plethera of issues, that even the best of shrinks might not be able to help him with. Many narcs from from successful and wealthy families. It adds to their sense of entitlement and arrogance. I'd say that you did nothing wrong. You are pretty enough. You are good enough. YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR HIM. I know the feeling. In the beginning, they are quite the fairy tale. That in and of itself is a red flag. Normal, healthy relationships BUILD ...and take time. There is no sweeping off the feet business. I had the same sweeping...so I can relate. The sweeping off the feet, is in hopes we hit our heads along the way--and lose all sense of what's really going on!

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