My Name is Michele115 and I am One Pissed off Bitch!

My Name is Michele115 and I am One Pissed off Bitch!
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So here I am ranting, bitching moaning - I hate this anger thing. I could really rip his head off and shit down his neck. I could really run him over - I could then shift to reverse then forward again, then maybe piss on him...I could!I could!

Maybe it's displaced anger. I don't want to intellectualize. I don't give a shit about his incurable illness. The mother fucker should be put to sleep. I should be the one to shoot him right between the eyes!...no mercy killing here - point fucking blank and no last meal requests. ABSOFUCKINLUTELY - he should DIE HUNGRY!!!

I'd like to bitch slap his c...t mother too. Smug ass bitch you know...looking at the pattern it seems she's his fucking covergirl...she pays for his celly where he gets to womanize...bad enough she chooses to be a doormat but she's a vindictive bitch who somehow feels this is okay and enables it. She needs to have her fucking hair snatched out of her skull - I lost all sympathy for her breast cancer!

A part of me envy's the Narc - yes, I do I envy that they can exploit people and keep on walking without missing a beat. They slither like snakes, create all kinds of chaos and then merrily skip along. In my case the piece of shit faggot, leans on having a "disease" of "addiction"...up my fucking ass you do!!!

Today I saw on FB a man that was so concerned about his girlfriend who has fibro...I think about all the shit I did to wipe this mamma's boy baby asshat's ass and not one thank you - not a paint job did not even fix my fucking door knob. His shit was so much more important - he's a freaking clerk in a tux shop godammit - he's not the fucking Mayor!!!

I hate him, I hate him, I fucking hate him so fucking much...really I do...and I hate this feeling because sometimes I really think I could just run his fucking ass over...just drive up one day a fucking hit and run...remove the fucking plates to the car and BANG!!!

He better learn how to fucking fly....

fooled no longer's picture

Jusice will be served

Jusice will be served eventually, it sometimes just takes too long.
I used to fantasise that I was slamming his head in the car door when I banged it shut.
Once I slammed his car door so hard the handle fell off.The look on his face was so worth it.
This started to happen without me even being aware of how my feelings had turned. It was so foreign to my nature to think these aggresive thoughts, that I thought I was losing it.

The thoughts persisted for a good year. I couldn't shut the fucker up, he whined on like an old women with wet pants.
I realised when the panic attacks started, that my brain had lost the battle with my emotions. My emotions were stompimg all over my heart and threatening to go on a hunger strike, thats when the panic attacks started. I now realise that your body knows when its reached its limits.
The panic attacks are your bodies way of staying Hey this is it.. no more Sister! so start running.

There's no ignoring a panic attack, those of you who had had them know its so painful, you think you're dying.

Anyway i cooled down and realised the sooner I get him outa my life the calmer I became, but it took time.
The anger is still triggered by seeing a photo or hearing his voice. I literally start saying "listen Satan you POS fuck off I hope you eat shit and DIE!" he is satans little helper.

The anger is the bodies way of purging and although most people can't deal with or accept it. You gotta let it out.
Buy a punch bag. I. The other thing i do is kick a ball around and imagine it's his head .. go in the garden and take great pleasure in ripping up his shirts or photos. such good therapy!

gratefuljen's picture

LET IT OUT GIRL!

I feel the same. I do wish he would die a horrible death. A slow painful, demoralizing death. He deserves it. He deserves that and so much more. I used to beat myself up over having feelings like this no more. I embrace them.

He abused me, used me, broke me, then threw me in a garbage heap. He does it over and over again. He deserves to be punished.

I broke nc by texting him, that I am suing him in civil court because he is was abusive, I have witnesses, went on and on and on. Other than his knowledge on how to abuse women and children and dogs, the man is pretty stupid. He bought it hook line and sinker. He is also a wimp, so he does not have the balls to call me and actually ask any questions.

I am totally enjoying it. FUCK HIM AND THE HORSE HE RODE UP ON. I hate him, despise him. I won't stay here. It's not who I am. But it's a normal response to an evil, abnormal, no he is not human, he is just an evil animal.

Healing to all.

I like the angry phase alot better than the cd.

Jen

lisalisa47's picture

I understand completely

and it is important for you to verbalize doing this (if not acutally doing it of course) so you don't internalize it and get physically sicker from him. Just remember, if you were to actually run him over with your car over and over, it would only take about 2 times to eradicate the little shit before you realized you were running over and over nothing more than leftover dung grease....Love U!

dolphingirl's picture

my fantasy- no apologies

thank you for the rant,
today I fantasized that I rounded up every fucking narc that I have ever been with and there have been a few. I started with my ever-asshole father who I cannot even begin to describe the pain and humiliation he put me through. For a brief description after a childhood of sexual molestation he disowned me when I confronted him with it and for the last oh, twenty years of his life would not speak to me. In his obituary I was never mentioned as his daughter
Anyway
In my fantasy I was riding a huge strong horse, I found each one of these ex-narcs, I stared them in the eyes and let them feel fear, knowing that they were going to have to pay for what they did to me. Then I pulled out their hearts, pierced them through the center, strung them on a rope and let them feel all the fucking pain that they have put me through.

SoaperGirl's picture

Good for you Michele115

Alright Michele. Yes, I understand completelty. Been there myself.

Everyday, I pray that the powers that be will not only help me move on, forget the basturd even exists, and bring something better into my life, but yes, that Karma will finally catch up to his butt, and bite him big-time.

I pray that everything he tries, he'll fail at, and nothing will work out for him either. Also that God will step in and force him out of her house. I want to see all Hell break loose for them both!

Ah, if only it were legal, I would have put a bullet between my narc's eyes a long time ago. Makes me wish I could find a hit man take my narc out, or beat him to a bloody pulp.

Sometimes it spills over to his OW too...but then I remember his pathological condition - and know that at some point, if not already (going on 5 months now), she'll catch all the Hell I did, and since they live together, probably more!

You GO GIRL! I've been depressed myself because I can't find a suitable mate, and try everything I can. Nothing works!

Maybe together, we'll find our way out of this emotional mess. I refuse to let my narc win!

michele115's picture

Soaper Girl...

I love you for your support and I pray and hope that each and every one of us overcomes. I am surprised to find this here...this is OOOOOLLLD - check the date.

BUT the beautiful thing...I can testify that as of today 6/23/2011 I am nowhere near this state.

BUT this is a great post and whomever bumped up I have an idea...LOL Thank you for doing that because this is once again, rage, anger, despair, all of it in black and white and I felt it all..."but look at me now"...LOL - that was what I kept repeating in "My Story"...and YES narc...look at me now and kiss my ....

The Michele some of you see today *because the vets remember* really was right where you are now...and by working the steps, sticking to the forum and really digging deep and suffering through it - I am out of that DAMN fog and it feels good!

And that pain and suffering is what motivated me after I got out of it to stick here because there is NO AWARENESS of this insidious illness that wreaks havoc in at minimum 60 million people in the USA, nevermind abroad!

And it has been allowed to be ignored, untreated, misunderstood and the professionals have stood by and washed their hands and decided they are "incurable" and so they don't have to deal with them or learn how to handle TRAUMA victims either! Because if you can ignore something it doesn't exist! AND many will get misdiagnosed, and treated for Bi-polar which is a very common misdiagnosis of trauma and had I not found this place I know I never would have healed!

So Soaper and everyone else here...do the work, read, forget finding Mr. Right...FIND YOU FIRST and I really believe, doing the work you won't fall for this shit again. I really believe that...and yes, it means those childhood issues and whatever other issues you've been blocking. We did not deserve this, we were targeted but there is a way out and I can really vouch for these steps and Lisa's philosophy, program, forum whatever you want to call it. NO it's not therapy but it is what brought me to sanity. Keep your therapist, do not deviate, I am not saying forget the therapists, but I am saying really become aware and educate yourself and share and vent because that is the PATH FORWARD to healing...

God Bless all of Us!...

I really feel so much love here and I thank each and every one of you for being the empowering beautiful spirits you are...we are all butterflies...

Yes, even the gentlemen...what would you like to be? Whatever it is you are it...none of us deserved this but we are survivors, powerful and we will triumph!

Hugs!

SoaperGirl's picture

Yes, I noticed it was an old post

It was good one. At this time, much of my anger has disipated as well. I've been praying a lot. This is all a process.

I can't stay where I was. I have to move on and I feel it very strongly. I've spent over 18 years alone and have had a lot of time to reflect on my situation. If after 18 years I'm not ready to find Mr. Right, when will I be?

I could continue to stay alone, and I'd be just fine...but it would even better if I could find someone suitable to share my life with. For now, the matter is in God's hands. If it's meant to be, it will be. If not, I'll just keep on plugging a way.

I'm also looking for a new job, and a complete lifestyloe change. I'm bored and I need to expand my horizons.

With any luck, things will change for the better for all of us I hope. Yes, it was a good post which is why I thought it merited bumping up.

Littleone's picture

Thankyou for this post, I

Thankyou for this post, I enjoyed it immensely. Let it out!!
Your anger is directed exactly where it should be- at him!
Die narcky die lol

Scoop's picture

Ahh beautiful rant , the

Ahh beautiful rant , the best i have ever heared ,a work of pure energy spilling out onto the page , this is a perfect exsample on where our head should be going when the anger hits .. even the bit about not caring that his mother has breast cancer ..its just the way it is for a while and thats a fact . Michelle this is poetry at its politicly incorrect finest... high five SISTER !!

shortway's picture

I hear you michele..I at at

I hear you michele..I at at the same point of wanting to just rip his head off..Like with no emotional upsetness..I rely loathe and despise his scumbag arse now..I swear i was like the visiting nurse service for his drug addiction..God they are scum!

michele115's picture

Shortway!

I loved that..."visiting Nurse Service for his drug addiction"...that was awesome!...

Thank you so much...OMG...

shortway's picture

LOL...I swear it..It is so

LOL...I swear it..It is so true.."what do you need today'.."do you need food".."should i pick up your prescriptions"."i'll sit with you through detox".."oh you ran out of percocets,and you want mine" "oh you're in pain"..anything else you need..I just needed some scrubs and I fit the part..

fooled no longer's picture

Michele115

be careful about preaching from the pulpit of Eminem.
He shows hatred of women and degredation and secondly is exhibiting violence towards women which his young and influencial crowd will lap up and act out.
I think you should choose another Anger mascot!

michele115's picture

That is an excellent point and one worth keeping in mind

I agree with you now that I am out of the fog; however at the time, his rage and his vomiting expressed what I could not and that is where my focus was at the time.

blueeyes's picture

Energy!!

Great, you saw shit on FB about his GF w Fibro? That's nuts!! He doesn't care about her!

I would literally loose it if I found my N helping a single fulltime working mom with a new baby.

I cannot imagine. Jesus! Unbelievable Michelle!

Em, is grrrreat rage music! Find "bitch I'm gonna kill you". I listen to that when I'm mad. Eminem.

Turn this into energy and use it to do for you!
Oh man, I'm glad to see the anger a bit because I know your back ;)

You know where to find me when you need me
....

mystwoman's picture

I understand your anger

I understand your anger completely. Personally, I think that if we'd put a vicious dog to sleep for hurting another person, I think a narc should go that route as well. There's not a big difference between the two. One little injection, and we're out of their misery. lol.

I don't know if it's any consolation to you or not, but my xnh used to act all sweet and caring about MY health problems, when we were married, in front of everyone BUT me...and I have some serious health problems. He would go on and on in public about how worried he was about me, and how much he cared about my pain. Most of all, he LOVED to tell everyone how supportive and helpful he was to me. What a huge pile of bullsh*t!

All of his worry went right out the window when we were alone. Then he threatened to beat the sh*t out me and walk out on the marriage. He told me that my health problems "held him back" from doing the "important" things in his life (like camping), and I was "ruining his life" because I was sick...like I actually was voting about my health. My personal favorite was the night that xnh told me he wished I'd just go away and die. Oh yea, now THAT's loving behavior. Not.

Your narc may be acting all caring, supportive, and noble with worry for this gf on FB or in public. However, I'd be more than willing to bet that he's NOT treating her like that out of the public eye. He doesn't care about her. He only cares about how he can twist her problems into making himself look good in front of others. It's an act. In the end, he'll do exactly what xnh did to me. He'll walk out and leave her alone to suffer without a backwards glance. That's what narcs do.

michele115's picture

MYST...

Thanks for your words...the narc pretty much did the same thing to me, but I'd like to clarify, I was not referring to the narc on FB...what I saw was another woman's boyfriend taking a stand and showing support FOR her.

BUT interesting you bring this up, for who knows, he could be a narc too and maybe it's not all he "advertises"...

I hope thats not the case for her...

It just got me on that loop though: See, look at that man, he understands his woman, he supports her and look at the shit I had to put up with.

But thanks because your note at least makes me feel I'm not alone, I'm not the only one with an "illness" - it's not terminal that's a good thing and I do have good days, and good days will come again...it's just hard when you don't feel well, it makes it that much more amplified...

Really, thank you Myst because it is important to keep perspective and see that WE are not the ONLY ones and while I'd like to think "I'm special" - I have to think that for ME...but in the grand scheme of things, I'm not that special...there is a whole world full of "special" people...LOL

*licking my wounds...

Thanks Myst!
Hugs...

sickandtiredofit's picture

Mine used to babysit!

My narc used to babysit for an employees two kids so she could study - we were married - still are - I am working on that...He used to bring my son along and say he needed "friends" - Really. He lied to me about it before during and after. The first time I asked point blank - is SHE going to be there with her kids. he said no, you are crazy, jealous. paranoid, raging whatever - come to find out that is exactally what he did, and lied about it after the fact when I asked him agaain. Ok, if he normally spent time with our son, that would be one thing, but he used my son to get to her, like I am an awesome dad, look at me! Look how I will support you and take care of your. OW, girl, I got a better measurement - How is he taking care of his wife and kid by taking care of you and yours? SHe maybe should have considered that. He still will not give any details of their "awesome" friendship which he still clings to for dear life eventhough she has a new man. I am so wrapped up in this OW crap and I cannot move on until I get the truth, which I know will never come.Conumdrum.

michele115's picture

Sick&Tired...

It doens't have to be a conundrum...we won't get the answers...ruminating on that is what leaves us in the conundrum.

I did some reading last night on "ruminations"...we ruminate a lot...

That can lead to depression.

It is where we take our thoughts...

I haven't mastered the solution yet...boy I haven't...but maybe that's an area you might want to explore.

I'm doing reading drips and drabs on it...

Just thought I'd share.

I'm still stuck - but it is what it is..the good news is we won't die!...LOL

michele115's picture

No Blue

Another FBkers boyfriend took a stand to show his support and understanding...

Thanks...gonna look it up now!

Hugs!

blueeyes's picture

Hugs back Michelle

FB is rough. Especially angry. Everyonr looks all fake happy.

Allthatglitters! I have been thinking of you a lot and wondering how your doing? Sometimes we need breaks.

michele115's picture

BTW Blue

Enjoyed your music recommendation.

Hope you're having a nice day...

Love and hugs!

That sounded so plastic-but I really do hope that today is panning out okay...UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES...

blueeyes's picture

Oh Michelle115

I am just PEACHY today. Thanks for asking.

I hope you are having a great day?

Sarcasm meter- HIGH?

Love and Hugs all.....

allthatglitters's picture

michele, you let it ALL out

michele, you let it ALL out honey! So sorry you're feeling so much rage, but it is good for you to get it all out.

I've been taking a break from the board, but signed in leave you a note of encouragement. You're one of the strong women on here that I look to for good solid advice and insight.

HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

michele115's picture

ATG...

A sincere thank you for your support and kind words...and the encouragement.

It's safe to read the newspaper today...no Obituaries...LOL

As in:

Woman gone mad, claims insanity and confusion over drive and reverse gears AK47 found in trunk penis was salvaged....

blueeyes's picture

allthatglitters..

I miss you.