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Son

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#1 May 18 - 6AM
justwantpeace
justwantpeace's picture

Son

Oh ex is doing things thru son to try to provoke me. I love having him away from me. except the one thing that gets to me and he knows it, our son. he is making comments to son that are meant for me. Son doesnt understand why he says them. So its obvious. He made one this morning on our way to school by text and son just hung his head.

I am so angry right now, I want to just scream.

How do you coparent with a N??????? Son honestly cant wait for the next year to be up to get a job so he can say sorry I have to work cant visit.

May 18 - 6AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

justwantpeace

Son needs to start setting boundaries with Dad. Like Dad, I'm not passing messages to Mom for you. Your Son still in therapy??? you don't co-parent with an N. You cope. And you teach your kids how to say NO to the pathological parent. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 18 - 6AM (Reply to #7)
justwantpeace
justwantpeace's picture

New therapist

We are starting with a new therapist. Both of us. Son leaves next week to go on his trip with the church youth group for 10 days. We couldnt get in til he gets back. Im going to talk to the therapist and make sure he knows everything to help son learn to start coping. I will make sure he knows to help him in setting boundaries. Ive tried to talk to son and explain he needs to be upfront with his dad. He wont do it. I dont know if its because he is afraid or just doesnt want to create what he thinks will be more problems. Ex told him to leave his phone and tell me he forgot it. He has been having son lie to me. I did heavily emphasize to son do not ever do that again. i said if he tells you to lie to me or do something like that again that you are to say no and im not going to lie. Im just so angry right now about what he is doing to son.
May 18 - 7AM (Reply to #8)
Klarity Belle
Klarity Belle's picture

Justwantpeace

"Ive tried to talk to son and explain he needs to be upfront with his dad. He wont do it. I dont know if its because he is afraid or just doesnt want to create what he thinks will be more problems." Justwantpeace, I have tried this too (my girls are 11 and 12) they are afraid to stand up to their dad. The N senses what the children are trying to do and then either puffs into something scrary that they fear to stand up to or he guilt trips them into feeling ashamed. The children learn early on that any kind of confrontation results in discomfort for them. My girls have decided they want nothing to do with their N father, trouble is legally it won't be acceptable (he is undiagnosed), it will be very hard and expensive to prove he is pathological and even if I do then to prove that he is a danger to my kids is a whole other thing. Sadly for most of us, until our kids reach the age where they can legally make their own decisions we can only do what Barbara stated above "cope" - it really is damage control. I find validating my kids feelings helps them the most and telling them that under the circumstances, what they are feeling is very normal. We are at the point now where very little of his toxicity spills into the other areas of our lives - sometimes it does of course but we mop it up quickly. This is testament to our strength against the N's behaviours, leading a full and happy life where he is not concerned. Meanwhile my ex N is playing the wounded soldier - I got a text last night saying he cannot take the way the girls are treating him right now, it is affecting his health and he thinks it is best he doesn't see them for the timebeing. Arrogant Ahole actually believes this will be a difficulty for my kids to overcome - pure relief was more like it. I know the F****r won't stay down for long though - he will be hatching another malignant plan right now. HATE HIM! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran

"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung

http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

May 18 - 9AM (Reply to #9)
justwantpeace
justwantpeace's picture

EX

son gets that from his dad. right now his is oh i try so hard and the more i try the worse it gets. poor me. no wonder the kids say ok. who wants to listen to them. for my son its not about him. he is the only way ex can get to me. ex knows this. im trying hard not to let it bother me hoping ex will stop soon. but I just hate the thought of son having to suffer in the mean time. I guess that is part of the coping.
May 18 - 6AM
justwantpeace
justwantpeace's picture

Son

Im just sick of watching HIM do things that cause my son to hang his head. Im sick of seeing the looks on his face of frustration and helplessness. I just looked at him this morning and said Im so sorry. I told him that when he hurts, that hurts me. I asked was there anything I could do to make it better for him right now. He said mom I just dont know. I cant stand to see him hurt like this. ex I wish he would fall in a giant hole.
May 18 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
Klarity Belle
Klarity Belle's picture

This is how they get to us

Sick evil bastards! I know that look of hurt and head hanging you are speaking about JWP - all that shame they heap onto our innocent kids is unforgiveable. It is so hard for them to understand at the moment but one day they will. It is important for our kids to know that this is their father's feelings that he does not want to feel and so he is pushing them out on to them and others around him. Then I explain that we do not have to accept the bad feelings of shame and guilt because they do not belong to us/them. I just keep repeating stuff like this to my girls and hope that it will help. Practical exercises I find useful are taking them to the beach to throw rocks in the sea, or throwing small rocks at a bigger rock and shouting out (in a quiet location!) or writing a letter or poem with all the angry feelings and then burning it or taking our glass to the recycle bins and smashing the bottles in really hard. I find these external symbols are cathartic to my girls and me, and it releases pent up anger and screams out "You will never keep US down!". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran

"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung

http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

May 18 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
justwantpeace
justwantpeace's picture

thanks

thats a good idea on something to try. i do need to tell him about the feelings and he doesnt need to own them or feel guilty about his dad. ex is trying to play superdad. oh he just wants to do whats best for son and he is more important than anything. bull. your girls have to be relieved they get a break. im hoping this will happen and son will get a break. im doing all i can to get us away from ex. he thinks we should all go to church together like a big happy family and i should coparent everything, everyday with him like son is 5. Son is almost 15 but I was told by my lawyer he doesnt have a say and has to go unless i can prove physical abuse. Well what about the mental??
May 18 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
Klarity Belle
Klarity Belle's picture

Sickening isn't it?

One day I hope the legal system pays more attention to the emotionally manipulative behaviours displayed by PD parents and more importantly the damaging affects they can have on their children - it should be easier to get our kids away from these parasites, they are the innocent ones who suffer in all of this. The healthy parent gets a good battering too! They really hate us for daring to see them for who and what they really are and to get us back they punish their own offspring - dispicable and unforgiveable. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran

"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung

http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

May 18 - 11AM (Reply to #5)
justwantpeace
justwantpeace's picture

I agree

when my lawyer said my almost 15 year didnt really have any rights, i was stunned. She said the only thing we can do is go to counseling and let the therapist make a recommendation. Then the judge doesnt have to listen to it. Its not right how this affects our kids. It is like society wants more dysfunctional people. Our system needs to be overhauled so bad.