hope4me's story

My story is like all the others and I am still after 4 years wondering how and why I let this happen. I knew my ex in high school, I am now 39. He had a girlfriend who he did everything for, she was in control, had him where she wanted him. Several years later in their early 20's she left, had met someone else. My sister was dating his brother and he started really hanging out in our crowd. About 7 or 8 months went by and we began dating, I was 24 he was 22, it was 1994. He was polite, shy, not very confident in himself, I was the one who took the lead. We did a lot together, played golf, hung out at the lake, co-ed softball, and went out to clubs. We were young and free. There were times, though, when I was working and he would go out with his friends and lie to me later when I would find out (red flag). And 1 1/2 year into our relationship out of the blue he tells me he doesn't want a girlfriend anymore and breaks it off. Less than a week later he is with his cousins girlfriends friend taking her to his mothers house around his family. My sister is still dating his brother and sees this and all are shocked. He flaunts the new gf in front of me and I am devastated (red flag). For 4 months I was depressed, lost weight and was sick. I finally got my bearings, began to live again and started talking to my old high school boyfriend who was a great guy. Lo and behold the ex comes back wanting to get back together, says he made a mistake. Months went by but he slowly regained my trust. He wrote me a letter saying he loved me and wanted to marry me and he would never lie to me again. In 1997 we moved in together and did quite well, I made good money as a nurse, he made peanuts working in his dads garage, but we were happy. He was always home at night, we actually talked then. In 1998 we got married and decided 3 months later to start our family after a long discussion on how our lives would change. He assured me he understood and was ready.....

1999 November 1st daughter born, during pregnancy he began a hobby I never knew his family was heavily involved in when he was young...race car driving. I despise it and it scares me, I refused to be a part of it. He assured me he was only going to race one Saturday a month the rest is family time. 3 days after our daughter was born he was racing, I needed him to help me, he refused to stay home, tried to take the baby to his moms "if I needed a break so bad" I needed him to help me but it didn't happen. 2 months later same thing, got home at 4 am, no phone call, argument insued he throws me down tells me to get out of his house. Uh, OUR house, we're married. At this point I thought about divorce but didn't want my daughter to be a child of divorce and soon after things seemed better. But, he always had his hobbies, dart team, pool league, bowling league, softball league, all of which I allowed while I watched our daughter. Big mistake!!

2002 our second daughter comes along, she was planned also. By now he has his own company and is doing well. Things are better it seems although I work and take care of the kids and he rarely helps out.

2004 he is making a lot of money, his company is doing very well, he is the top contractor in the state. Money is starting to change him though. We built a nice home, he began buying fancy trucks, expensive hobbies, joining gyms. He was home less and less, flaunting HIS money. Notice I say his because I paid the bills and he had his own accounts for which I never saw the money. If I jokingly asked him for money, he would say "WTF do you do with your money?" I was exhausted from working and doing everything for the kids. I resented him. If we went somewhere which was rare, I took care of the kids, he partied and flaunted his lifestyle and money. He would walk away and leave me in the corner and work the room not to check on us again until time to leave, he was always the last one. We argued. I began having anxiety attacks every day but had no idea what was happening. He never hugged our girls, loved on them or paid any attention to them. I did it ALL.

2006 he buys a fancy boat, RV, says its for our family. Begins to diet heavily, won't eat carbs, cooking was a nightmare, always complaining. CHanges his dress, hair etc. By now he is working out of town on big jobs, and then I get word he has bought a BAR. Confronted him and he said he had done it even though I had asked him not to. I know what goes on in bars and he was already NEVER home. He assures me he just has to get it up and running then it will change. By now I had found a text on his phone which I didn't get to read from a woman, he grabbed the phone. I confronted he made up some BS excuse. I am depressed and numb by now and still having anxiety constanty. My 3 year old is now telling me about "daddy's friend" they see when they go with him. He has now started volunteering totake the kids on weekends so I can "get a break". Same woman as the text.

2007 all blows up, I find out he took this OW to Vegas, went out of town with our kids and met her. He also now has creditors calling because he got in with a guy who was stealing money from him, his business is gone, except for the BAR. I am livid, stronger now, confronting him and he is teling me that I am a bad wife, I need to go to bed and think about what I have because he has women hitting on him all the time. He openly flirts and asks our daughter in front of me if he can take the waitress home from the restaurant. WTF our daughter is 4. I am humiliated.

2008 I file for divorce after trying everything to fix things. I have been called a bitch, a bad wife, a bore, a stick in the mud. 10 onths of pure hell and thousands of dolars on a divorce w2hich has me in debt. THe initial divorce papers are exactly the same as the final, he just tried to screw me and throw me under the bus, but I fought and won.

Now I am left to co-parent with this beast. He is with the OW of which I found the text 4 years ago. I have yet to meet her, have only seen her in disgusting pictures of nthe two of them She is very unattractive. I am an attractive woman and it kills me. He takes her on vacations, he took me on 1 in 13 years. I worked hard and paid bills, she doesn't work. He built them a 3500 square foot home with features I had wanted in our home but he refused. But the hardest is she has no children of her own and is now playing momy to mine every other weekend. SHe has been with them on their first vaction to see snow, that killed me. SHe has told numerous lies about me, saying my daughters tell her that I talk bad about her. My daughters cry and swear they don't, he believes her and chews me out. SHe says I have called her, sent her e-mals, he believes her without proof of any of it. He treats her with respect in front of people, he never did me. I know this because y sister is married to his brother and said it is disgusting how he dotes on her. When I asked him why last year he said "She is wonderful and amazing, she makes me feel wanted, she gives me attention." Yeah, she has no kids, no job, what else is there to do?

But he still had the nerve to text me wanting to meet up and "get together" because I look good. He has done this and sexual texting since our divorce, I just laugh. The OW has found the texts and accuses us of sleeping together then throws a fit, spreads lies about me and he chews me out and makes it look like I am the one after him. I have tried so many times to be civil so we can coparent our kids, but he looks at it as an opportunity to flirt. I limit contact to just kid stuff. And the final straw and knife in my back is how he now wants to love on our daughters, hug them, tell them he loves them. He plays the doting, wonderful dad when all those years he never gave a shit. Now it's the four of them, their white picket fence and little dog in the back yard (literally). It all seems so unreal.