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Please Help with the No Recontact

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#1 Feb 22 - 5PM
lucky
lucky's picture

Please Help with the No Recontact

hi, all

As I'm continuing to read all the latest posts, there is so much reattempt by Ns at contacting, and some of the emails.. OMG! Babbly-gook - implying that things were said, when they werent etc.

Though I am doing much better, the problem I am having, is that mine has never attempted re-contact and I honestly dont think he EVER will. It has been over 6 months since last contact.

I totally lipped him off, swore at him, called him an ABUSER and called him on his behavior and manipulation. And that is why he wont reattempt, I believe. But if he attempted even one time to recontact, I know that would be all I would need to really see how this guy follows the pattern. Right now it feels like he is all righteous becuz I was outta line or something, as though it wasnt RETALIATION for his Abuse.

I was not with this guy long enough for clear solid evidence, knowing more about his family, friends, past relationships, etc. so that makes this part really hard.

Problem is I don't see his behavior fitting in like the others being written about here, and that leaves a wee little bit of doubt, which is holding me back. I know there wont be closure for me, from him.

I had a dream last nite, in which we met and talked and we clarified everything, both talked about our feelings, and the events that happened, and then left each other (the dream didnt have us seeing each other afterward). It felt so good, when I woke up I wanted to cry becuz it wasnt true.

It feels a bit like an ongoing punishment, this denial of closure, no explanation, etc.

any experiences that are similar, that may help with the final closure? :D

Feb 22 - 7PM
nycsurvivor
nycsurvivor's picture

Not sure if he's a N...

but at the minimum, he doesn't sound nice. Plus, I don't think you really know his real story, since it seems like most of your relationship was not in person. And very suspicious he didn't even want to speak on the phone. It sounds like he may have been involved with multiple women at the same time. For most of us here who have had in-person relationsihps for lengthy periods of time, we still haven't heard from our exes, so it's unlikely you would hear from him. It doesn't sound like a relationship in the traditional sense. It's been 6 months, and I think he may have already moved onto his next victim. In the future, I think you should be more careful about who you send intimate pictures to.
Feb 22 - 6PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

lucky

Did you write about your story in the 'share your story section'? Or can you please give examples of incidents/behaviors?
Feb 22 - 6PM (Reply to #23)
lucky
lucky's picture

Lucky's Story

thanks, yes, read Lucky's Story under that section :)
Feb 22 - 6PM
rache
rache's picture

If

he fit in to most of what a narcissist is,then,hes a narcissist.Some, of these guys here are sociopaths/psychopaths....NOT all narcissists are sociopaths/psychopaths,but,all sociopaths/and psychopaths are narcissists.
Feb 22 - 6PM (Reply to #20)
serene69
serene69's picture

Closure

You don't get closure with these guys like you might with a normal relationship. They do not always come back and try and contact either. I don't believe mine will ever try as i caught him out totally - I contacted his ex and his last communication with me he called me every name under the sun and told me to F Off to put it bluntly. That does not mean he may try one day, but I severely have my doubts. i think in some ways he is scared of me, because once he told me he was damaged, and had a sickness - and that it was no good to involve anyone in that. He is scared of me i think because I know who he really is - from the horse's mouth so to speak. There are other women here who have never had contact again from their N. if they get supply from elsewhere they will just move on and forget you. And the thing is, as we all know, they are such charmers at first, it probably won't take them long to get that supply.
Feb 22 - 6PM (Reply to #21)
lucky
lucky's picture

Yup...

I do understand that stuff yes. See I never got any of the low functioning, I'm mentally ill, damaged, sick routine, etc. that some try to manipulate. My ex-Psycho did that ALL the time... I definately saw his sickness in all it's glory. This guy, I did not... he appeared totally together, more like a high functioning Narcissist, rather than a Borderline type who falls apart once n a while. Plus he was good looking and seemed to take care of himself, eat healthy, workout (very muscular). We would talk about our working out lifestyle quite a bit. He was very comlimentary about my looks, and when I would return the favour, his replies were modest and appreciative. I wish I had seen him fall apart, get ugly, see his retardation, etc... that would help!
Feb 22 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

lucky

YOU WILL NEVER GET FINAL CLOSURE You must go NC - immediately. TOTALLY. FINALLY. http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/12/22/what-no-contact-means ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 22 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
lucky
lucky's picture

I have no contact

Yes, I have no contact... zero. Ive blocked. I know I wont get closure from him, but I will get peace, within my mind. That's what Im after.
Feb 22 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

lucky

I read through some of your story, he sure sounds like one to me! But let's just look at how poorly he treated you, disrespectful, cruel, like your feelings had no place in the relationship. Even without putting a name to it, you ARE very lucky to be away from someone this nasty. I think we put the name to it, and call it what it is so we can learn about specific patterns to narcissism and how and why they affected us as they did. He was a total jerk, at the VERY least, so please do not doubt yourself whatsoever. Good for you to keep up No Contact. For the most part, mine has ignored me for quite some time now after I chose to ignore him. I say...Yippeeee!
Feb 22 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
lucky
lucky's picture

Thanks :)

... for that. I agree, and called him that many times. But I do believe he was more than a big JERK... becuz I know how I acted, and all the sweet ways I was to him, reaching out, trying to understand, even when his behaviour started getting questionable. Tons of benefit of the doubt, which he never deserved. Any man who treats any woman this way, does not suddenly change his ways, and decide to settle down, get serious and be nicer to someone else, no matter how he views her. I know this now, for sure, so I guess that's progress! I think its just the residual fantasy and romanticizing of what I thought it was. Ive always had such a good imagination! lol
Feb 22 - 10PM (Reply to #19)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

fantasy

http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2007/11/fantasy-and-its-effect-on-your-reality.html http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/10/rigorous-honesty-first-rule-recovery http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2007/10/letting-go-of-fantasy-so-you-can-grab.html ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 22 - 8PM (Reply to #18)
rache
rache's picture

Good imagination

me too!Now,we can imagine them how they truely are-like the FUGLIEST vampire ever....not the handsome dracula-the other real bald ugly ones!
Feb 22 - 7PM (Reply to #6)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

lucky

BINGO! You knew this all along, it's just that 'fun' thing our brain does to us sometimes, out with the bad memories, in with the good? That's why we have to continually remind ourselves of the bad stuff, a.k.a. REALITY! Whether you come here, journal, whatever you have to, good for you to reach out for validation when you need it. Ya, I rank high on the fantasy, romance, empathy scale too. Not bad qualities to have in themselves, but N's just love people like this...yikes!
Feb 22 - 7PM (Reply to #7)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

One thing about closure, Lucky

I understand completely where you are coming from. Part of me has the fantasy of having that "one last conversation with him" the "heart to heart" where we level with each other, look each other in the eye, and call it for what it is. Then,,I think, I would be complete. If I could have that one last conversation with him,,,,and want to call him. I look at my phone,,think about calling him,,then I know I am off my rocker. We are putting them into a category, where they do get that they harmed us,,,,,etc. They do not feel they did anything wrong to us Lucky. There is no heart to heart with someone like this. There is no apologies,,its been good,,yada yada. They don't look at relationships the same way, best we can do is actually trust, and meet new people, and get close to them, and have an actual relationship. Try it,,,I don't know where you are in the process, I am, and have been where you are right now in all this, and understand intellectually that NC is the right thing to do,,it is hard to feel this as a natural response, but we have to teach our heart, that NC is the best and only way to go. If you go back to him, you will be even more devasted than you are now, it is not worth it.
Feb 22 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
Kelly
Kelly's picture

Romantic at heart . . .

This is exactly the thread I needed to read. I can't stop imagining some final meeting with him. Sometimes I imagine myself really telling him off (I was way too nice to him when it ended.) I used to imagine trying to help him in some way through friendship. I still have sexual fantasies about him - - rache - - his thing was tiny, but the chemistry was ridiculous! It's all my head just playing games with me. Magical thinking I guess, but I know that if he really did call or email, I wouldn't go back. He's only capable of hurting me more. Nothing I would say could ever mean anything to him. He's not a real person. He was a physical embodiment of a fantasy and fortunately for me, he left before it would have become a real nightmare.
Feb 22 - 9PM (Reply to #9)
rache
rache's picture

nightmares

yes,and,we tend to idealize the one/s who we are no longer with,and,if we truely sit back and think of all the bad things they've done to and against us-we'd thank GOD they're out of our lives.So nice to not hear-"OUH baby,my d..k is so hard(Me knowing how limp it was when with him)and can you smell the pre c.m baby,it smells like seeeeex,(barfs)this from a 66 year old man who should have class.ALL the times he farted and stunk up the bedroom-and-calling himself a southern gentleman,lol.then,going on dating sites pretending to be a young man looking for young girls! OMG.And,wanting to meet my 26 year old daughter who is a nurse in california(married)-who-wouldnt wipe her ass on him.
Feb 23 - 8AM (Reply to #10)
serene69
serene69's picture

That final talk

Yes, I think that is one of the hardest things is you cannot have that 'closure' type of talk with these guys. I know at times I go over in my head the conversation I wish i had been able to have had with my N the final time we talked. At times I feel then it would be easier to cope with all of this - but then I also knew even if I had been able to say to him I did nothing wrong to you, I did so much for you, why did you take advantage of my feelings? Why did you take advantage of me at a time when I was feeling vulnerable as my father had just died? - even if I said these things they would not compute in his brain. To him, he did nothing wrong. I am the crazy one, he can feel no guilt, he does not care. He got what he wanted at the time, he twisted me around his little finger. He's done the same to many women in the past, and will do so in the future. He does well in his work - has people who admire him and suck up to him (not close friends of course - but people he keeps at arms length so they don't know the real him.) So he is totally happy (well as happy as an N can be.) So even if I had been able to say any of that - it would not make a difference. I am accepting this and just seem him as a vile little shit. One that I hope one day will get his come uppance.
Feb 23 - 10AM (Reply to #11)
rache
rache's picture

You see it

clearly,as,he will NEVER see it your way-NONE of them do-to them they are always the poor innocent ones and we're the enemies.
Feb 23 - 2PM (Reply to #12)
Piscesdream
Piscesdream's picture

That's so true. They never

That's so true. They never take accountability for ANYTHING. Mine honestly doesn't get it that it's wrong to cheat on his wife. He doesn't GET IT. It's weird.
Feb 23 - 4PM (Reply to #13)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Pisces

obviously you are still not reading everything here they never 'get it' - it's not "wierd" these are PATHOLOGICALLY DISORDERED CREATURES. http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/01/29/overview-destructive-narcissism nothing to 'GET' - they are not human and should not be treated like, spoken to, judged or yelled at as if they are. they need to be blocked & avoided like the plague. they are sheer EVIL. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 23 - 4PM (Reply to #14)
rache
rache's picture

Listen to Barbara Pisces!

THERE'S NO HOPE=N.O.N.E for you,if,you do not heed the advice here! THESE "EVIL CREATURES" are NOT going to change! EVER.The only one/s that can change is us-you! The guy who deceived and used you was a married man with kids-you were NOT his first,and,you will not be his last affair-they are continuously on the lookout for new supply.Even at 53 i deserve better than that,don't you in your twenties?WHY even waste another moment of your youth on a soon to be dried up old fk?
Feb 23 - 4PM (Reply to #15)
venuslovedpluto
venuslovedpluto's picture

Introspection

It's just part of the process, looking at what happened in the "relationship" and realizing that it IS weird. And yeah, he doesn't "get it" and I think it's okay to sort through those feelings. You can probably think back to when those alarm bells went off for the first time with him. The first time he "didn't get it". It's important because now when we enter into a relationship in the future we'll be able to remind ourselves that our Spidey Sense is there for a REASON. It's called female intuition. Picking up on "weird" is there to protect ourselves from predators.
Feb 23 - 5PM (Reply to #16)
rache
rache's picture

important

to not get so stuck in trying to figure out something that cannot be figured out you lose oneself.We all are well aware that there is No figuring these guys out! Shrinks can't! Barbara has said time and time again=N C,no contact-none! The reason is clear-its for our own good.To put them behind us.
Feb 23 - 5PM (Reply to #17)
Piscesdream
Piscesdream's picture

I'm merely venting.

I'm merely venting.