Why the Hang Up on the N???

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#1 Feb 20 - 6PM

Amazed

Why the Hang Up on the N???

It has been 8 months since I exposed the N, and discovered his true life, a pathological sociopath, and liar to me for over 3 years.

To this day, I have intrusive dream that involve him.

I think about him, and the need to let him go.

I still have anger at him,,,I have not really let him know how angry I am at him because of the NC pact I have made,,,I just stopped any and all communication with him.

He is a loser, piece of crap, evil individual, never said that to his face,,yet still,,after 8 months,,still go over the relationship in my mind.

Why can't I just let it go,,does anyone else feel this way,,how do you ultimately get over it,,,

#2 Feb 21 - 6PM

rache

I can honestly say

i have never dreamed about him.i also knew from early in he was screwed up but i didnt know how bad until i came here to this forum.It was Barbara who enlightened me on the sociopath and i know without a doubt this is what he is.i do not ever wish to talk to him again and i have NO feeling what so ever for him.I definitely can say i do NOT love him.I also fell out of love with the fantasy guy him as well.Is this odd,or,what?

#3 Feb 21 - 12AM

Piscesdream

Amazed: everything you have

Amazed: everything you have stated in your initialpost is what I'm feeling. Why am I SO HUNG UP ON HIM?????? Why can't I just let him go??? Why?????? Ugh....I hate that I'm scared to move on. I hate that I want him to call me and email me. I hate the thought of losing him. Ugh...I feel as if my happiness depends on being with him and having his life as a part of mine. I don't want to let him go. I can't do it. =( I hate this.

#4 Feb 21 - 2AM (Reply to #14)

aceonelady

pisces to pisces

I do feel the same as you,i have been dumped by my ex N about a year and 3 months now,i am in therapy for all this time and some,even before he ended with me and still am confused,hating him,missing him an emotional rollercoaster...Now HE went total NC on me,i wish i had been stronger and kept it when i initiated myself,but i broke NC and only got to hear more BS and got more depressed and confused every time i spoke with him...Till i called his ex ,the mother of his children and exposed him for the children"s sake(he wasn't living with her anymore)and he got afraid and angry so now he is totally NC on me what is a good thing but on the other side it makes realize that i am nothing to him and never was,like he is telling me you are nothing everyday ...like i did something to him instead the other way around...Please go NC is hard but if he goes on you,like mine is doing,believe me is much worst...but i am also thinking what is good for us sometimes doent't look like that but after we will feel better!They made us feel good and look where we are now!

Aceonelady

#5 Feb 21 - 1PM (Reply to #16)

serene69

Aceonelady

I did exactly the same thing to my ex N - contacting his ex and I guess you must have got exactly the same rage I received from my N for doing that. He has now gone NC on me - thankfully - though I wish too sometimes I had had the strength to have gone NC on him before I contacted his ex. I realise too now i meant nothing at all to my N - hell he has probably completely forgotten I ever existed. And that does make me angry that I invested that emotional energy for nothing. I have been branded the creep, (and I won't even mention the other vile words I have been called.) I know I am not the person he says I am, but it is still hard when one has been a good person all one;s life - and one knows one is a good person, to be called such evil things - even though I know he is not human - he is like a reptile to me. I never ever want to contact him - so NC is no trouble for me now. But yes I do wish I had had the strength before to go NC first.

#6 Feb 21 - 9AM (Reply to #15)

Piscesdream

"They made us feel good and

"They made us feel good and look where we are now!" That's VERY true! Ugh.

#7 Feb 20 - 9PM

cynthia (not verified)

how do you ultimately get over it,,,

Why can't I just let it go,,does anyone else feel this way,,how do you ultimately get over it,,, I think what keeps us thinking about them even months or years later is because they traumatized us, when someone has been in a bad car accident they NEVER forget every time they get into a car, they have learned to manage their fear or anxiety but the traumatic experience is always in the back of their mind. Maybe we dont so much think of him as we do the trauma they inflicted and the aftermath of the damage we had to undo. I certainly dont entertain any thoughts of him personally, like gee wonder what he is doing, (could care less) wonder if he is ok, (wishing he wasnt) I always think of what he DID TO ME and thinking we can just forget it once we have moved on is not realistic. We will never forget it, we have to find a way to live with it and not let it interfere with our daily living. I havent reached that point yet I am still recovering from the damage. My wound will one day turn into a scar that I will have to learn to live with, but I know I will certainly feel better than I do today. I dont think we ever ultimately get over it but one day it will go in its place, in our past. Its such a struggle I know to put it in the past.

#8 Feb 21 - 1AM (Reply to #12)

Kelly

Fear

I think that's a big part of why it's hard to let go. Fear of being alone. Especially with a narc, they make you feel dependent on them. They manipulate you through your insecurities, keeping you on eggshells and when they dump you, you're left feeling like "if only . . . then we would still be together . . and we could have been happy . . . and he was the guy of my dreams . . and I wouldn't be alone anymore. . ." I was fortunate enough to have had a normal boyfriend for my first relationship. When it ended, I didn't feel any of that. I was sad, but content that we were on different paths and we weren't compatible anymore. He was a complete gentleman throughout the breakup and it was actually very tender. These narcs/psycho's are vampires. They bite you and infect you with some of there madness. Fortunately for us, however long it will take, it is only temporary. He will be mad until he is buried or cremated.

#9 Feb 20 - 10PM (Reply to #10)

Barbara (not verified)

cynthia

over time it never totally goes away - it just gets smaller and less important & intrusive have you heard about getting into the Inpatient Program? ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#10 Feb 21 - 1AM (Reply to #11)

cynthia (not verified)

program

We had to send away for copies of our insurance cards, we both lost them, They should be coming any day then I can give them the info. I still have all the info and I just need to send the insur to them to get it pre cert.

#11 Feb 20 - 8PM

moving on

i'm there

I'm hung up on the N too. I really really don't want to care anymore. I'm so tired of it. I want to move on and just be myself again, focus on the things that I like to do. But I'm stuck in a rut. The Internet is my vice. I will google the crap out of him and his girlfriend for no reason. I just want to know why he's such a pussy and let his girlfriend do all the talking for him. Not once has he emailed, texted, or called to clear anything up. He is nowhere to be found. Because of this complete cutting off of me from his life, I want to ruin his life. I want to do so much but then I realize I don't have that much time to even do my own things so how can I dedicate any time to him? I have found out though that the girlfriend might possibly have dumped him after I sent her that Cease & Desist order. He is nowhere to be found on FB and has removed his profile. I hope he rots in hell. It's like I can't move on until he at least acknowledges my presence. But I really shouldn't give a flying f***. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

#12 Feb 21 - 9PM (Reply to #8)

helpmefromn (not verified)

i hate the internet

That is what happened to me too. We are not communicating anymore but he made his gf remove her FB account after I busted them together WHILE we were together -- they date those pictures! The next day, it was off, and I am obsessed with googling them too and I do find new things and always things to make me feel bad and insecure. I hate the internet.

#13 Feb 20 - 7PM

AnotherPath

yeah I felt all those

yeah I felt all those things. There is no "just getting over it" because it's so damaging and I think a process of healing has to take place. 8 months still isn't long, but it does get better and better, just takes time and understanding of what you went through. NC really helped me but it took 18 months till I went NC. I have kids with him and still a glance in his direction during drop off and even seeing him for 2 seconds isn't good for me.

Ending the dance

#14 Feb 20 - 7PM (Reply to #2)

Amazed

AnotherPath that is tough,,,

It has got to be tough,,just to even look at him,,(don't even look,,look away,,if you can help it,,) and yet not have seething anger,,,I don't know all of your story,,but I can imagine,,that he is disordered in some way,,and has put you (and probably your kids) through misery,, Do you ever feel like the kids are used, or related to in the same way,,as a N supply? The kids,,then must be your kids really,,my ex N had kids also,,but did not pay child support, would delay getting together with them when he was with me making out (what an idiot father would do that,,!) and would hold them back on so many occasions,,it was like he was waiting for a bomb to drop... I do hope it gets better with time,,I don't understand why I continue to think about him and strangely dream about him,,all in a very symbolic way... God help us to be strong

#15 Feb 20 - 8PM (Reply to #6)

agnesmurphy17

Nightmares

I left my N 10 months ago. Very little contact -- only his e-mails & 3 phone calls. But since late Oct. not a peep from him. All the financials were settled then & he has a NW. But, anyhow, I have nightmares very frequently. And, just dreams. Some nights the dreams just go on & on. I think it is traumatic stress. Having been so out of control for the 2 1/2 years I lived with him. Never knowing when Mr. Hyde was going to show . . . but knowing he would be back on a 7-10 cycle. Having just married & bought a house . . . being so trapped in a disasterous marriage. And, having been robbed of one's illusions about romance, love & living happily ever after. This is so hard to recover from. I have been so changed by this experience. I think, if one has children, and has constant contact in that way . . . it keeps the narcissist's web in place. The web may be weakened, but nevertheless, one is still drawn in & trapped to some extent. I am so thankful to have been childless. The idea of having to see him on a regular basis, or to talk & e-mail, I don't think I could have survived that.

#16 Feb 20 - 7PM (Reply to #3)

AnotherPath

Amazed

The other way I look at it is i have lovely children from the relationship and nothing will change that. My exN doesn't pay child support but he got taken to court over it. My anger has tailed off a lot and yours will too. I think my anger turned into "he's such a deluded prick" and I'm bored of it all now, he's pathetic. He has a new supply my kids stay with and I just think she's in for a shock also it's good he has her to take his mind off the kids and threatening me with court again for now. I couldn't see this at all, couldn't understand why he's was always in my head as soon as I woke up and all day, it didn't make sense as I didn't want him, but he was always in my head. It does fade.

Ending the dance

#17 Feb 20 - 7PM (Reply to #4)

Amazed

AnotherPath,,I hope it does fade,,

Maybe it just takes time,,maybe it is doing more things that are positive, and interst us,,whatever can help bring results the better We are ultimately in charge of ourselves. I am striving to take accountablity (or blame) for what happened, but it is wrong. What is so sick, is that they did this to us intentionally, and there was no way we could have defended ourselves. They see us for our cleaness, our human-ness, our goodness, and know,, they know the damage they are putting on us, and they do it knowing they will hurt.. That is what is so sick, God they are sick.

#18 Feb 20 - 7PM (Reply to #5)

AnotherPath

Yes they do it intentionally

Yes they do it intentionally but they don't care, it's all about how they feel and if they do evil to others they feel better as we then feel worse and they get to feel superior for a bit. They'll do it in every relationship, it has nothing to do with who you are. I did find putting energy into things for myself really helped, like getting more work, enjoying doing new things and getting out, feeling like a person again like I was pre-psycho. But this took nearly two years. I did have a 2 year legal financial fight and was also 5 times in court over the children, the police were involved and so were social services which slowed me down so you may feel better earlier. You will get there and funnily enough you may find you enjoy everything you do even more because of the whole horrible experience, may be it's really appreciating the joy of life that you got out and can live how you want now.

Ending the dance

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