tiger1's story

I came across this site while trying to make sense of my relationship (for want of a better word). Reading the stories on here had me laughing insanely, shaking, crying and a range of other emotions. WHY because they are all about me too.
Its a relief to know I will be understood here.

My hell on earth began 5 years ago the day my 'soulmate' and I moved into together. My perfect man did a complete turn around he became demanding, everything had to be done his way, my friends and family were ridiculed and he made it impossible for them to visit or for me to visit them, events I planned were sabotaged or he would make plans for us to do something and then pretend he hadn't or go do them with someone else. Sex became a rare thing lasting 2 minutes without any foreplay, if I tried to initiate anything I would get snapped at "what are you doing".

At the begining I would try and stand up for myself but would encounter the vilest rage and then days of silence but with aggressive behaviour, door slamming, draw slamming anything intimidating but never any physical violence.

Xmas and birthdays, well I'll change that to any special occasion became horrendous. The first xmas together I felt like I had been hit by a truck, I just couldn't make sense of it. It started on xmas eve he flew into a rage over nothing and took of in his car, when he came back I was howling with the pain and confusion, he just walked past me and locked himself in the bedroom.I was up all night crying and trying to make sense of what was happening. Xmas morning he was all sympathetic for the "state I was in, my poor puffy red eyes" Perhaps it was best that we stayed home and didn't visit my family as planned. There was no apology no explanation no anything, just "I TOLD YOU I DON"T LIKE XMAS" The same kind of thing happened for other celebrations, until I gave up.

After xmas my skin broke out in painful blisters and a rash, the doctors were stumped so they sent me to a dermotologist, my partner came with me as I was having panic attacks by this point. He made me feel so so so guilty for being ill whilst we sat in tha waiting room, complaining about everything and how it put him out. He dumped me out of the car on the way home. I was crying, I had learned from the dermatologist that my skin was breaking down from the inside and I was not to use any products at all or even get water on my skin, no showers no hair washing etc. My feet were the worst affected and he made me walk home.

I felt so knocked down by everything I stopped doing anything that would upset him. Monitoring my every move myself (oh the control.

Of course my partner was physically abused by his father and watched his mother being abused. I felt for the poor little boy, I still do (the boy not the adult), and I reasoned with myself that he didn't know real love and eventually he would come to understand that I was there to love him not hurt him.
When I eventually became suicidal I took myself of to a psychologist. I learnt all about abuse, like many I expect, I thought abuse was hitting.

I thought here was turning point its not me its him. Get him into counselling, well that lasted for 2 sessions, he didn't like being told he was an angry man, he told me he is not angry other people being stupid make him angry. He went on anti depressants and that has helped with his anger. I don't walk on egg shells anymore, I felt things were getting better although I'm still behaving very unlike my old self prior to Mr always right. I don't laugh much, I don't dance and sing, I'm still afraid to have friends over for fear of repercussions. I still feel crazy at times.

BUT this site has given me huge insights into how they work and i'm working through the tangled mess in my mind. And I'm ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY which is the first emotion I've felt for long time that has been generated by me.