Vix's story

I am shocked as if I am shocked for the first time. I get reeled back in... Now I feel really empty and need to smoke to conceal the pain form myself. I cannot believe I am making myself ill still and not taking control of my life. I want to surpass this life of drudgery and turmoil. I have chose it, created it and asked this dark situation in to my house. why? I still have yet to discover the route to my own forgiveness and love.

I was 'allowed' to go out with a group of my girl friends. We had some wine in a quiet pub on the outskirts of town to talk and connect and share things and laugh. We laughed really hard too. Richard agrees that I can go to the exposed club once a month. I am glad I have something to escape too although it usually collided with my monthly cycle and I am usually too tired and withdrawn to go. But Instead of going we decided to stay and eat pizza and drink wine and yes truly I know that is not the true side of my self behaving in that way because I do wish to be totally sober and get back on my feet but I am just excepting that I am just not there yet.

The next day, I had been awake less than ten minutes, Richard egged me into another complex conflict situation over a piece of paper about a political party for which I am not even sure it represented now!!! It had come through the door and it was very real and worrying propaganda which actively preached more discipline in schools!!!
I felt alert at first, more than usual, aware of the way the conversation was progressing, But I soon started to feel scared, attacked, the old feeling was back, of being disarmed at every pass…. He would take my answers, chump them up and then when I was riled and angry, I tried to break him down in the same way, but he could control that too, to his advantage, to use the 'feelings' I was feeling and then project it on to me, saying that I was twisting his words, making stuff up…. Maybe I was? I couldn’t tell, all I knew is that I couldn’t for sure recount what he said and it was a really disabling feeling… My colour was drained, I felt I was loosing it, as he pushed and pulled the conversation in this way and that and that it felt well, just dangerous. I knew now why he has made me feel so crazy in the past when we lived here together. I broke, but not the way I used too, where I would run away and cry and cry in deep heart ache. But now he was riled and he was letting me have it. He left, i asked him to, but not before he had told me off pointing out the mistake in my scentence. I was just reaching my point, trying to speak and make my point, when he shuts me off, to pinpoint that I had used the word 'tyranny' in the wrong way. I was trying to scoot over that to get on with my conversation but he would not let me and continued to continue to push me, what did I mean by tyranny, asking me if I had realised that I was using the wrong word, giving me a example and explaining to the finest detail why I was wrong. I lost my point of thinking by that point and couldn’t even finish the point I was making. I guess he knew that would happen. He threw me totally of balance. Then I asked him why he had to keep correcting me, 'every bloody syllable'…. He then conjectured that it was not syllables but just he thought it was necessary to correct me if I was using the wrong word, but not my syllables... 'Great. Thanks; that’s ok then is it? You will grant me liberty of my syllables, I am honored'. After more arguing he left finally saying ‘You need me to help you,… you nee need me to correct you, when we are in social situations, you embarrass me…. well you are a bit dippy aren’t you… Well its right isn’t it??? he even wanted me to qualify what he had said about me... I was dumfounded, speechless, completely unable to speak.

I had started to let him back in and just then, he turned on me again, and I was making the choice to let him do that. Just as he was arguing about how all he had to worry about was ‘himself’ and that everyone else, those who chose to be controlled by government deserved to die or 'fail to flourish' because they chose vaccinations and they chose poisoned water etc… I was trying to argue that permaculrure, a philosophy of living that I see as a real answer to peoples need for choices and freedom, I was trying to argue that permaculture dealt with all that, that it embraced community but he kept fighting me, to argue that I was being an airy fairy eco warrior type and that he was being pragmatic that we couldn’t be responsible for others peoples lives to which I argued that it was possible to heal others by healing yourself and whoever was in your community at the time would feel the ripple affects of that. He just couldn’t handle that kind of compassionate view of others. He was horrified that he though he might have to take care of others after they have failed. He views it as weakness I guess. But more over he seemed mortified and angry that I would suggest caring about the people who he didn’t even know. I explained that in crisis situations, communities come together wherever they were. It’s as survivor’s mentality. In the war people grew more vegetables in there gardens, allotments, even hyde park was turned into allotments during the war. But he was not interested in hearing my ‘care for others attitude’ that in caring for self you can care for others, as long as it through non-violent communication… we were not having that ever. I was not getting through and finally as I was reaching my point he started to take apart my words, I just felt my voice be absolutely silenced. I didn’t want to speak, I begged him to go, to stop speaking, crying begging him to first just please let me speak and when he wouldn’t I just cried and he didnt even care that I had finally broken down in front of him. I cried and I was glad he made me cry because t reminded me of what he was was... I had felt us getting closer recently again… I had been grateful for being ‘allowed’ (We are still co-parenting) to go out and to have a time with my friends, but when I told him we didn’t go to see the music, he was angry with me and I think that’s what started it off. He didn’t want me to 'choose' ‘to just go to the pub’ nor did he want me to meet my friend Natasha who I was certainly not going to lie about… then he began his onslaught. I have to find a way of getting away from him. But how???... when we have a child togther. He is not completely evil either, he certainly can be a great father for the most part, if not a little to obsessed and over indulgent of his child as I am probably guilty of the same thing. But the problem is that all h he does to be kind is through ways in which I think he models himself on the world around him, and only in order to benefit from acts of kindness. He can act like such a delicate man with intellect and charm, by he has a calm anger that permeates everything he comes in to contact with. I was angry and I did tell my son, in front of him that his father was horrible. I should not have done it but our baba was uncomfortable and clapping his ears with his hands, it was really escalating. He was, I think genuinely frightened that it was all starting over again.

I don't know how I can get away from him. We talked about this argument again the other day and he conjectured that he was right to say what he said because 'all woman are dippy, dippier than men'... he has never apologized for his insults ever, always justified them with extreme cold logic that you could almost find yourself thinking he was justified for telling you, you dressed frumpily or that you had gained weight and that he was well within his remit as your husband to say these things. But I know now kind loving husband just would not say the negative things he says to me... that he has been deriding me all this time. He is rude to me and projects all of his own weaknesses on to me. Its typical profile isn't it. You see I have achieved three university degrees, work in a support role in a university and I am still studying while home educating my son... and he is studying his first degree now because I encouraged him to do so. When we met he didn't have any interest in higher education. He had lived in a squat for most of his life. And yet he thinks he its perfectly fine to call me dippy and make me feel inadequate by correcting my speech or talking over me when I am trying to make a valid point. He was raging about how we should drop schools and hospitals. I asked him what of the sick and the terminally ill and he said they chose it and that they should except there predicament and die. he said they chose vaccinations etc... I asked him what about if he had a car crash and punctured his lung. He said I should let him die. I said it was ridiculous when we have technology to save people with injuries like that. Why go backwards? He then agreed he would let them sew him up... ???? I was going mad trying to follow his crazy all over the place perspectives. Now I knew why I had felt so crazy after the arguments we used to have all the time... I then asked who would look after the crime and anarchy, presuming that if we got 'rid' of government, schools and hospitals that we would also get rid of police, but he said that he would keep police. It seems illogical and chaotic and every-time I pointed out the inaccuracies in his ideas he got nasty and would resort to making me feel bad by saying things that he knew were part of my deepest fear and inadequacies. like calling me dippy etc. (I have dyslexia) I am trapped with this cold person who osollates between being overly kind, and jut hideously mean. Its so hard to know which man is coming through the door. He will always say I love you when he thinks the chips are down and he needs to get something back out of me. He will do more for me if he thinks it will present something in return but believe me if I ask him to help me in anyway to do something that has no return I can guarantee it will be an answer something cold and short like "out of the question' or 'absolutely not' and look at me like I am mad. he might do things to help after a argument but it always come after a time for which he is going to reclaim the favor. I had a child with this man because I thought he was everything I was about but now I know he was saying all the right things to make sure he could get a person to have his child and then we would become a permanent source of attention for him, in which we would serve his ego, when he he needed some one to 'talk at'... He introduced the ideals of permacultre to me because he knew that was what I wanted to here about... he presented himself as a perfectly rounded eco minded man to whom which sustainability and healthy living was a key want. I should have seen it really, I was strong when we met, training in Kung Fu and yoga and really growing, he toldme he did brazillian marshal arts but he didn't really... and now I smoke and drink and feel weaker than I ever felt in my life. When I got ill, which I did a lot, he would shun me and I would have to carry on taking care of our son, breasfeeding him while I puked up and wasted away. He would moan if I asked him to make me food and even then he would take hours to make it, knowing I was weak and hungry and ill. I remember lying there weeping and feeling terrible and he was so switched off to that. It was like the weaker I got the uglier I became to him.. It was horrible back then. I am strong really to have got him out of the house but he still punishes me when he sees fit. He see me as the weakness he is repulsed by in his own self. he smokes heavily and does no exercise and yet he eats a obsessive raw food diet that sometime makes him sick because he is young man who deprives his body of calories. He tries to control me all the time still even though we are apart, by sabotaging nights out by saying he cant take care of our son at the last minute, to telling me my friends are no good for me. (ah ah...) He told me my job was stagnating and 'blocking my full potential' I laughed and told him that the only thing blocking my full potential was him but he just ignored me like I was . So I don't know how I am supposed to finally free myself. Our son does not go to school and I don't want him too because I don't have any faith in the school system which evidence has demonstrated that 71% of students are bullied. He takes care of him while I work. His house is not a healthy place for children so he still comes into my home. How can I get out of this scary crazy making situation? I dream very vividly of living my grandmothers house in the countryside and growing my own food and i often dream of lying peacefully in the garden while my son plays, resting in the warm yellow glow of the sunshine. I think my dreams and my darling boy, keep me alive.
:(