Thinking About Your Feelings

by Kathy Krajco

Several people have commented to the effect that they didn't really understand how they felt about a certain abuse -- for example the "being made to bend over for it" type. They didn't realize that this is what was being done to them.

No, they didn't consciously realize what was being done to them. But the subconscious knew what what going on. For, in the depths of their soul they realized the nature of what was being done to them and felt the moral impact deeply!

They just couldn't consciously put their finger on exactly why the way they were being treated outraged them so. They just couldn't put it into words.

Been there.

Remember that I am no authority, so I don't know if this is always good, but I feel that what enabled me to get through was the fact that I started sitting down and contemplating an act of abuse, asking myself just why this or that remark, this or that reaction, this or that treatment, by the narcissist hurt me so.

I would actually analyze it on a moral level. In other words, I'd get in touch with my feelings. I'd ask myself exactly how this or that made me feel. Then I'd ask why it made me feel that way.

What was going on at a moral (i.e., psychological/spiritual) level then always became crystal clear to me. Then I could see that the narcissist was, say, trying to "make me bend over for it" so to speak. When I thought of what that means, I understood why my instincts reacted with outrage. They were correct: that is an outrage.

Our instinct for self preservation triggers that outrage as an adaptation for survival, just like the sympathetic nervous system triggers the familiar "fight-or-flight" response to threat, danger, or injury.

The result always was that I was at peace with my feelings, knowing that they were simply the natural response to an assault on my human dignity. Unpleasant as they were, I knew they were no sin and felt no guilt or shame for them.

I always found that my deepest instincts, my gut reactions to things, were right on. That they were a sign. In other words, if you feel like you've just been put down, it's because you have been put down. If you feel like you've just been (morally) raped, that's because you have been morally raped.

It's unwise to disregard and bury those feelings.

Another byproduct of contemplating the abuse is that I saw how unnatural a narcissist's behavior is. How perverted. How against human nature. This and the abysmal nature of how they treat you brings you face-to-face with the sadism in their conduct. This makes you see what kind of being you're dealing with. Yes, that knowledge rattles your cage, but you need to know it.

Of course you can't let your emotions rule your conduct. But you can control you conduct with wisdom and a sense of measure without trying to eradicate your feelings. Besides, you can't eradicate your feelings. All you can do is delude yourself about them by repressing them. You must go through this kind of pain like you must go through physical pain. And like physical pain this emotional pain will pass.

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