The damage they do

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#1 August 29, 2009 - 2:00pm

The damage they do

Anonymous (not verified)
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For the unlucky women, months turn into years as they ride the roller coaster going nowhere. From heart stopping curves to death wish drops, they hate the ride but don’t know how to get off.

Interestingly, no matter how long the women were in the relationship, the aftermath symptoms were the same. This means any exposure to pathology is psychologically devastating. The aftermath severity happens because the pathological uses forms of mind control… It is hard to fathom but the pathological’s goal is to succeed in controlling and destroying a woman, …not to have a successful relationship with her.

A pathological does devious kinds of acts to try to make his woman think she is having a nervous breakdown or is mentally deficient so she relies on his “take” of reality. If mind control is psychologically damaging to prisoners of war, it is just as damaging to the intimate partners of pathologicals. Pathologicals will go to great lengths to inflict psychological devastation, because they enjoy the process.

He …claims …that he “knows people” who get the information for him. This increases her paranoia and fear and adds to the psychopath’s mystique. He plays "nice guy" to make her doubt herself and doubt that there's anything wrong with him.

They will agree to changes and then act as if they never had the conversation about the changes. They will admit behaviors when caught and later deny they admitted them. They will get caught red-handed and later deny she ever …heard, or found out what he did. He will use other accomplices to validate his stories to increase her sensation that she is going crazy. Wealthy pathologicals will financially bribe others to control the outcome of situations that continue to support his mirage of lies.

Women… may have PTSD symptoms resulting from mind control, and coercion. All of these conditions result from a victim’s bonding and emotional connection to her captor/abuser. These symptoms are often seen in prisoners of war, hostages, and cult members.

…but she is not an easy woman to “take down.” Self-control will hold her strong even in the face of these pathological-created delusions. …Some of the women indicated they stayed far too long trying to “figure out” what was going on or to go toe-to-toe with him so he couldn’t get something else over on them. Most of the women said they were baffled by the strange dynamics in the relationship and stayed until they had some kind of cognitive understanding of what they had been living through.

As the emotional stress, physical, and sexual exhaustion are taking their toll, her failed reality testing continues. She begins thinking paranormal things are happening around her. The constant ups and downs of the relationship are now eroding this strong woman’s sense of self-confidence and resourcefulness—just what the pathological intended.

As she starts to psychologically decompensate, she experiences the same [ ] dynamics that are seen in the Stockholm Syndrome:

* She perceives (and has already experienced) a threat to her physical or psychological survival and believes he has the ability to carry out his threats. By now, she has already lived months …of him carrying out his ability to harm her…

* Perceived small kindnesses from him to her set the emotional tone for her letting down her guard and seeing him as human or kind again. This also increases her relationship investment and hope in him.

* Isolation from outside perspectives other than his. She has already experienced not only isolation from others but the indoctrination of his pathological world view…

As she decompensates, she is an easier mark for continued manipulation by the pathological. It is uncertain if psychopaths have a natural ability by nature of their pathology to simply unconsciously perpetrate these types of mental “set-ups” or if the “set-ups”’ are systemically planned so that just watching her psychologically melt before his very eyes is a power pump for him. Our guess would be the later.

If pathologicals didn’t like the game of manipulation, they would consistently choose women who are introverted and who would be a far easier capture than taking on powerful extraverted women. But that is in fact, exactly why most (not all) pathologicals choose the powerful extraverted woman. To that end, we have to assume that the pathological predator enjoys watching a previously high-functioning woman turn into a reality-doubting, exhausted, bundle of nerves which he finds pretty erotic.

Sadly, some of the pathological’s women only make it out of their torment through suicide. The ultimate power triumph for a psychopath—he conquered her spirit and won. He scoops up and moves on to the next woman/victim…

Inevitable Harm: Every woman was harmed
“I realized I had been seduced by a con man and I spent months in shock, trying to figure out just who he really is.”

A relationship with a pathological man is not like any other failed relationship. The women who loved pathologicals are not just 'bitter women scorned'. It is simply not possible to have a relationship with a pathological and not be harmed and damaged to a significant degree.

One woman expressed,
"It has been over four years since our relationship ended and I still get anxiety attacks at the thought of dating – I am still single and have adopted a hermit lifestyle to make sure I never go through anything like this again.”

The relationship with a pathological has resulted in many women living out their lives alone without a partner.

The medical side effects of post traumatic stress disorder that many of the women developed from the relationship (as well as other acute stress disorders) will long manifest in her body. Medical side effects that continue on, long after the psychopath has left, include:

* Auto immune disorders
* Anxiety
* Depression
* Substance abuse
* Migraines
* Digestive disorders
* High blood pressure

“This relationship has taken a grave physical toll on my body. I have several conditions. I look about 20 years older than I actually am.”

Sexual damage
Many of the women experienced sexual damage and negative effects on their sexuality. Having been exposed to deviant sexual practices, humiliated about their sexual performance or bodies, compared to other women, and often sexually harmed…

Long term damage
Women who have been in relationships with ppathologicals universally experience some sort of acute stress. The acute stress could have evolved into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or other types of stress disorders. The lingering disorders serve as reminders of past pain and are likely to cause the women symptoms for years and maybe for life.

Sandra Brown, MA - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS

~~~~~~~~~~~~
CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily

"As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck

April 6, 2010 - 6:59am

reading this literally

narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

made me want to throw up...it's the story of my life with the psycho.....i find these things outline in SCORES of books and scholary articles......so WHY is it that when i look for 'help' from DV organizations...low rent therapits, etc...they all act like they've never HEARD of this??????...
it's killing me...slowing but surely....just like he did......

November 28, 2009 - 4:49am

'often picks energetic, loving, successful, passionate people'

Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

"..the narcissistic abuser often picks energetic, loving, successful, passionate people. They seek out in others, what they lack, then begin the process of appropriating what the other has for themselves.

In this sense they are true emotional vampires, robbing their victims of their personality, they energy, their passion for life - metaphorically killing them."

Their preferred method though, in the end, is to have the victim self-destruct, allowing them to walk away in triumph seeking sympathy for what they've had to endure with this 'crazy person'." - Sandra Brown, MA

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. - Gloria Steinem

April 6, 2010 - 7:12am (Reply to #18)

that explains it

yes he's achieved his goal then. Now I feel invisible. I'm still shocked. No amount of saying go for a walk, read a book, look at the good things you have in life seem to motivate me. I just need to figure out what the hell has just happened to me. Where have I gone, how do I get me back. Talk about guilt, shame, feeling dirty, used. Then the lies about me, who knows what he is now telling his family and the OW. It's hard to live with all this let alone feel happy.

April 6, 2010 - 1:31pm (Reply to #20)

Healingnow

Hang in there. It is very painful to go through this because its hard to imagine that another human could treat us like this. We are good people and therefore, should be treated respectfully.

And I guess that gets back to what Barbara always says, the flaw in that thinking is that they were not humans, they just charaded as one, and did it very, very well.

But the person you were before is still inside. That person did not go away - she is just terribly wounded right now.

I know its hard, but try not to think about the lies he said about you. I am really struggling with that myself. (how he told his other married emotional lover that I came on to him (untrue), but that he would never be able to think about me in a "relationship manner" because I weigh 40 pounds more than him. And that he still has his spot in his heart reserved for her). That had so many lies in it, that I can't even start to pick it apart. And the only reason this was done was to further get her adoration and to increase her obsessions with him (wow, a very successful and beautiful woman wants him and he turned her down!) I just feel so sorry for her - becuase this was chocked full of lies just to increase her obsession. And she is a dedicated and wonderful mother of three. I have so badly wanted to call her and let her know what he is doing to her to try to help save her from emotional pain....but it is probably best to stay out of it....

Anyway, focus on yourself. Don't think about him. Do things that will build up your confidence again and just get him out of your mind as much as possible. (I know easier said than done)

You are still the same inside!

April 6, 2010 - 2:08pm (Reply to #21)

thanks loveofmylife

Hi,

I suppose thats why they pick us cos we would be concerned about our reputation. I read that in WWLP 2.

If I could just get a glimmer of me back for a short while it would be great, just to know that i am not totally destroyed. I have never felt so lost in all my life. I suppose I'll have to think that I am doing whatever is necessary to heal and if that means moping around for however long then go with it until it passes. I've had stress so why wouldn't I need to lick my wounds.

Just getting my head round the fact that he is an abuser is so difficult when I never saw any signs in all the time that I have known him. I didn't really know him did I. In the beginining he just added to my self esteem which was ok at that time. I had no idea he was building me up to pull it all down again.
Wow I was a victim of a predator. My eyes are open in the world now.
I just don't trust my judgement anymore and don't trust that I can protect my kids if I let this devil into my life to damage us in this way.

April 6, 2010 - 9:29pm (Reply to #23)

Being Lost

I know what you mean about getting a glimmer back. I think what kills me the most (lately) is that I see pictures of me a few years back - so I would be in my early 40s. And I look so happy and full of life with a sparkle in my eyes. And recent pictures, I look dead. Now, I thought that I was very happy when I was with the N, he always brightened my day and made me soooo happy. Once my mom saw me after I had dinner with N and said "wow - you look so radiant and totally different. You look so happy and at peace with yourself, my guess is that you just saw N". I talked to my mom about all of this, and at that time, I was only seeing N occasionally - but she was right. So I thought - wow - even my mom sees how right it is for me to be with him. Now I'm sure she'll understand!

But when I didn't see him, i was very hurt, lonely, confused (with all the mixed messages), and torn apart. The pictures don't lie about what it did to me. And it is even worse now after DD.

I am feeling super lost right now too. Just have 20 years of what I thought was true come crashing down before my eyes. I don't know who I am anymore or what is best for me. It is a horrible feeling. In fact yesterday I told my husband that I needed to spend the next few days alone at my mom's because I was feeling so lost and needed some peace and quiet to try to find my way again. Do some soul searching.

Three years ago when my "feeling lost" was at its peak and I had depression and pain that kept me in bed for almost one year, the only thing that got me going again was three things:

1) find someone to help. I literally couldn't go anywhere or work or do anything. It was a complete loss of life. A friend of mine that owns a small diner had terminal cancer at 35. 4 hours/day I waited tables at her restaurant. (and I owned a company before this) But i hadn't been able to work for a full year....and finding a greater purpose and cause to help made me stop thinking about myself and the issues I had and think about helping someone else who really had issues. It is so easy to get trapped into this wallowing because it is so horrible.

2) Therapy to get all of the crying out and talk about my issues to someone (I didn't want to burden my friends with it)

3) Oh, and along with the N (ironic) encouraging me and telling me how great I was all the time!

And about the abuse. I knew mine for 20 years before the abuse started (with no sign at all) - and the abuse was horrible! But I think it took 20 years to get close enough to him, to where we saw eachother daily and relied on eachother daily. And when he tells me about his x's, I am sure there was verbal abuse with those too. And don't think you have to convince yourself that this was intentional if you feel uncomfortable with it. "I had no idea he was building me up to pull it all down again". I am uncomfortable with that too, because I don't think it was intentional. It is just the way that their brains work, that once they get too close and feel like they are getting bored, and need more excitement, and need new supply - then subconciously just start DD to push you away and then it is easier to leave the relationship. At least with my N, I think his brain was just driving him to do what felt right - I don't think it was planned or intentional.

April 6, 2010 - 9:29pm (Reply to #22)

Being Lost

I know what you mean about getting a glimmer back. I think what kills me the most (lately) is that I see pictures of me a few years back - so I would be in my early 40s. And I look so happy and full of life with a sparkle in my eyes. And recent pictures, I look dead. Now, I thought that I was very happy when I was with the N, he always brightened my day and made me soooo happy. Once my mom saw me after I had dinner with N and said "wow - you look so radiant and totally different. You look so happy and at peace with yourself, my guess is that you just saw N". I talked to my mom about all of this, and at that time, I was only seeing N occasionally - but she was right. So I thought - wow - even my mom sees how right it is for me to be with him. Now I'm sure she'll understand!

But when I didn't see him, i was very hurt, lonely, confused (with all the mixed messages), and torn apart. The pictures don't lie about what it did to me. And it is even worse now after DD.

I am feeling super lost right now too. Just have 20 years of what I thought was true come crashing down before my eyes. I don't know who I am anymore or what is best for me. It is a horrible feeling. In fact yesterday I told my husband that I needed to spend the next few days alone at my mom's because I was feeling so lost and needed some peace and quiet to try to find my way again. Do some soul searching.

Three years ago when my "feeling lost" was at its peak and I had depression and pain that kept me in bed for almost one year, the only thing that got me going again was three things:

1) find someone to help. I literally couldn't go anywhere or work or do anything. It was a complete loss of life. A friend of mine that owns a small diner had terminal cancer at 35. 4 hours/day I waited tables at her restaurant. (and I owned a company before this) But i hadn't been able to work for a full year....and finding a greater purpose and cause to help made me stop thinking about myself and the issues I had and think about helping someone else who really had issues. It is so easy to get trapped into this wallowing because it is so horrible.

2) Therapy to get all of the crying out and talk about my issues to someone (I didn't want to burden my friends with it)

3) Oh, and along with the N (ironic) encouraging me and telling me how great I was all the time!

And about the abuse. I knew mine for 20 years before the abuse started (with no sign at all) - and the abuse was horrible! But I think it took 20 years to get close enough to him, to where we saw eachother daily and relied on eachother daily. And when he tells me about his x's, I am sure there was verbal abuse with those too. And don't think you have to convince yourself that this was intentional if you feel uncomfortable with it. "I had no idea he was building me up to pull it all down again". I am uncomfortable with that too, because I don't think it was intentional. It is just the way that their brains work, that once they get too close and feel like they are getting bored, and need more excitement, and need new supply - then subconciously just start DD to push you away and then it is easier to leave the relationship. At least with my N, I think his brain was just driving him to do what felt right - I don't think it was planned or intentional.

April 6, 2010 - 7:38am (Reply to #19)

EXACTLY, healingnow....

narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

i'm about to go postal...that's the kind of crap i've been slimed with from so called 'EXPERTS'...how in the HELL does takiing a bubble bath offset 16 years of non stop abuse???...how does a brisk walk through the GHETTO i'm now forced to live in because he drove me into poverty get my life and six figure income back?
how does doing some scrapbooking help with him slandering me libeling me, and smearing me?
how does going to my 'happy place' help relieve the mountain of debt and responsibility i'm SMOTHERING to death under?

HAPPY, my ass...i'm ENRAGED.....

November 27, 2009 - 7:18pm

powerful, extroverted woman...YES!!

My ex N said from the beginning how much he loved my WALK...how confident I seemed and how much it turned him on. I eventually decompensated into a bloody mess, using substances to numb the pain from the craziness...He told me that he couldn't take the substance abuse anymore...I detoxed and got sober by myself in a hotel room over a long weekend, started intensive yoga, and when I did, he said he liked me better when I was a drunk because at least I wasn't so opinionated and high on my horse. UHHH...ok.

He liked to chip away at me and make that powerful extrovert that I was become his toy.

November 27, 2009 - 7:02pm

the damage they do

Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

READ TOP POST

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. - Gloria Steinem

October 13, 2009 - 7:22am

This is a VERY good post. It

4joys (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

This is a VERY good post. It describes what it is they do so well. Thanks for posting it.

September 11, 2009 - 3:53pm

read the book

Guklus (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Hi, I 've just finished reading "Its All About Him" and i am ready to read more, the book was really helpful and I associated so many situations to my EX N.

Do you have anymore reading suggestions? i am having a lot of trouble MOVING ON and obsessing about what he is doing...I have to break away from what was, never will be, that he is not up for resposibility of other than he & himself.

please, reading seems to give me comfort and I'd like to read on...

thanks!

September 11, 2009 - 4:30pm (Reply to #11)

recommended reading for recovery support

Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Reading suggestions:

RECOVERY FOR WOUNDED WOMEN
https://www.e-junkie.com/ecom/gb.php?ii=155139&c=cart&aff=21165&ejc=2

WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS
https://www.e-junkie.com/ecom/gb.php?ii=85733&c=cart&aff=21165&ejc=2&cl=...

EMOTIONAL RAPE SYNDROME
http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Rape-Syndrome-Survive-Avoid/dp/096321031...

WHY DOES HE DO THAT
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?&camp=2...

WHY IS IT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Always-About-You-Narcissism/dp/0743214285?&cam...

IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING
http://www.amazon.com/Sheeps-Clothing-Understanding-Dealing-Manipulative...

HELP I'M IN LOVE WITH A NARCISSIST
http://www.amazon.com/Help-Love-Narcissist-Steven-Carter/dp/1590770773/r...

****************
Also, as I tell EVERYONE - GET THERAPY!!! Get with a counselor who understands PTSD. This is a long process. 18 months is the gold-standard for some relief.

http://www.sidran.org/sub.cfm?contentID=19&sectionid=5

And maintain ZERO contact.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily

"As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck

April 3, 2010 - 9:18pm (Reply to #13)

the damage they do

Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

READ TOP POST

~~~~~~~~~
The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein

Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

October 13, 2009 - 6:15am (Reply to #12)

the damage they do

Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

SEE TOP POST

~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

August 30, 2009 - 2:11am

Great Post!!! Thank You Barbara!!!!

Has I read this post so many things clicked. For the last month I have been researching narcissism and the more I educate myself the more I realize it's him and I'm not the psychopath. The dynamics of my relationship with my x N was different then any other relationship I have ever experienced in my life. Never again do I want to go through such a horrifying experience. I just want to move on and heal. I want to heal from the aftermath. I know it takes time. But I just want to put this all behind me and live my life. I want my life back the way it was before he came into my life. He almost destroyed me. I just want my life back. And I am healing daily. I go thru so many emotions. At first I blamed my self, but I know it's not my fault. I want to heal and deal with the aftermath of his destruction so I never in my life go thru this again.....

Thank You,
Annamarie

They never change. He will build you up and then suck you dry!!!!!!

They never change. He will build you up and then suck you dry!!!!!!

August 30, 2009 - 1:03pm (Reply to #8)

thank you for underlining the way i have exactly felt

Guklus (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

thanks, this reading has really made me feel a bit better as it is another hard day, 5mnths since i walked away and three mnths since no contact---as i went through the blaming of myself over and over for the mere gestures (crumbs) that maybe he is ready for real life, i see that it was mere disctractions to act like a sheep in wolves clothing...i do not want to put my energy into him anymore but can't help but want to be assured that they never change... amazing how many of us are so damged from them and are alone, as i can not think about someone coming near me at the moment, or getting involved with someone as I think soon as they start talking how will I ever know what to believe, i was on a FOUR year ride with this N who had every hard luck, exscuse in the book for his up and down behavior all the while telling me that he loves me forever 10x's a day...

this is not easy and i reflect on so many things and find myself getting angry that i wish i could rattle off how many things i know now about him to his pathetic face...but i have to let go and find a way to forgive and make peace with myself...i am very nervous, jumpy, on edge, trouble sleeping(up most of the night)...everything that matches PTSD, it was a comfort to read there is such a thing as PTSD vs. thinking I am a wreck and everyone around me would like me to snap out of it. I see a therapist who we tlak it out, but everyone would like to see me rid my head of this "creep" and know I deserve the real thing...just hard to remind myself of that everyday... thanks for your post...i will keep reading...

August 30, 2009 - 1:22pm (Reply to #9)

Gukus

James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thank God all this will pass in time and yes it does!

I remember in the beginning almost jumping out of my skin whenever the phone will ring! My ex called and called so many times I would also (a first for me) sleep with the damn phone never knowing what time or when she would call. PTSD isn’t a easy thing to go through but it does end with proper counseling and if necessary chemical treatment. So take heart this too will someday end. It’s taken me three years but I too remember the first year being a living nightmare.

http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/

August 29, 2009 - 4:46pm

damage

quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

This rings so true...perceiving small kindnesses as something so wonderful and grand. When you get so 'hopeless', you start hanging onto anything, and making a huge deal out of the smallest of gestures on their part. I still can't believe I was willing to settle for crumbs from him.

"The relationship with a pathological has resulted in many women living out their lives alone without a partner."

I truly hope not. Hopefully, faith can be restored.
I just can't even picture myself with anyone for quite some time. Especially with my panic attacks, I think...what if I'm triggered, and in a restaurant, and I just feel like running? I wouldn't want to put a decent guy through this, so until I work on this part, I won't date.

August 29, 2009 - 5:01pm (Reply to #2)

n-damage

Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I am living my life alone, without a partner.

Funny, I wrote that I would live alone in my journal when I was 12.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily

"As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. B

August 29, 2009 - 5:07pm (Reply to #3)

alone

quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

That's interesting, Barbara!

I remember being a kid and saying I was never, ever gonna get married, and my friends and I would have a big apartment in the city with lots of pets and just have FUN. Smart kids, huh? lol

August 29, 2009 - 5:14pm (Reply to #6)

foreshadowing

Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I was a bullied & taunted kid with a NarcMother to boot.

...must have known.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily

"As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. B

August 29, 2009 - 5:14pm (Reply to #4)

powerful woman

dolce (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

It's good to know I am a powerful, extroverted woman. At least I have that. Right?
Bastards! oops! lol

August 30, 2009 - 5:47pm (Reply to #5)

they manage to spin it on us that

Guklus (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

when I met this N I was I suppose naive, loved my independance, upbeat, creative, giggly and alive... he was emotionally unaviable, immature, told me he carries a lonliness and is sad guy.... just amazing to me that now I am filled with sadness and a lonliness that follows me around-

he used to taunt me that I HAVE NO IDEA HOW HE FEELS< HOW HORRIBLE HIS FAMILY IS, HOW HE IS IN FEAR OF LOOSING EVERYTHING and very often would say I DON'T GET IT

my therpist explanied to me that he is a Bottom less pit, that no matter how much i build him up, reassure him...minutes, hours ,moments later he would need a refill...

and ME, well I do not know why I was so eager to help out, feed the weak and now I am the one who is weak-and it is like every negative attribute he has rubbed off on me, I really didn't need to learn about the dark side, I am in reatliy and know what life is about, unfortunatly when it comes to affairs of the heart I give up my power and handed it over to a very sick guy.

everyday, minute I have to reassure myself that I am not the crazy, tormenting one... this is a never ending cycle as I am exhausted...

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